Laura Miller - For All You Have Left

“I love you,” I say again, with everything I have left in me. “I love you so much.”

I go to the spot that’s etched into my memory — at the end, near the corner. There’s a big oak tree that sits on the other side of the fence. It shades the spot, and it seems only fitting. But when I see the piece of stone jetting up from the earth, I stop cold and just stare at it. I don’t know what else to do. Of anything I’ve ever done in my life, even more so than starting over in a tomorrow without him, this makes me the most terrified. That stone might as well be a ghost.

I stare at it a little longer. I don’t want to look at it, but I force myself to. It still doesn’t seem right that his name should be there, etched in rock under the words, Loving husband, son and brother. And it doesn’t seem right that there’s not much time between those two numbers. Eighteen years. Only eighteen, short, beautiful years. And I think about that little dash that separates those two years, and it’s hard to believe that our life fit into that little space — that all our moments, all our dreams, all our joys, all our laughter, all our tears and all our smiles are held within that little dash. I push back the warm tears as I try to rationalize it. It’s just not possible.

I force myself to walk closer to the stone. It feels like the frost-covered ground is more like wet concrete as my feet, little by little, struggle to take each step. But finally, I reach it, and I slowly kneel down so that I’m at eye level with the carved words. I glance at the dark gray indentions, then quickly turn away and stare at the frozen grass instead as my heart slams hard against my chest. Half of me is saying I can’t do this; I’m not strong enough. The other half says I must. So after a moment, I force my eyes back, and suddenly, I feel my hand moving toward the stone, and soon, my fingers are pressing against the indented letters that make up the word husband.

I’ve been here once — the day I said goodbye to him for the last time. But I’ve never seen the gray stone that bears his name. I finish moving my fingertips over the word, and then I follow the letters in his name, until my eyes fall to a spot below the dates where there’s an inscription. I had requested it be there, but I hadn’t thought about it since then until now. In small letters is the little quote that he might not have gone a day without saying: There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so. I wanted it there because the quote is Andrew, because it says what he would say if he could. It says: Don’t cry for me. And now, everyone who passes by here — everyone who never had the chance to meet him — will know who he was.

The quote makes me smile, but it also forces another tear down my cheek. I wipe it away with the back of my hand and focus on another inscription below the quote. I run my fingertips over each letter in the words: Forever and a day. And when I get to the last letter, my head falls to my knees, and I try to control my heart as it grows ever heavy in my chest. He wrote the words in a tree; I had to make sure they were written in stone. And I had said those words that day — that last day with him — but I had whispered them, and I don’t think he could have heard me over the bike’s engine. I have replayed that moment in my head probably a million times now, but each time now, when I say the words, I shout them. I make sure he hears them.

I feel like sobbing, but I don’t. Instead, I sniffle, swallow the hurt in my throat and wipe my eyes again.

“Andrew,” I whisper.

I watch my breath freeze in the air, and I try to force back the flood of tears that I soon realize I can’t possibly stop from streaming down my cheeks. It’s been years since I’ve said his name out loud — as if he were right in front of me.

“You weren’t supposed to leave me,” I whisper.

I pause and force my lips up, but the smile quickly fades away.

“If I would have known that day was going to be our last day together, I would have held you tighter. I would have kissed you longer.”

I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand and just sit there in silence for a moment. I stare at the last inscription. I try not to look at the name above it.

“I’ve met someone,” I whisper, at last. “He’s not as crazy as you.”

I laugh to myself and sniffle some more.

“But he’s just as amazing,” I say, and then I try to smile again through my tears. “You would have liked him.”

I swallow hard, and I just sit there in silence for a while — thinking, letting the hum of the quiet carry me away. I think about our first kiss behind that big hay bale in that dusty hayloft. I think about the way his muscles moved in his arm as he carved our love into that old oak tree. And I think about the way my name looked as if it belonged etched in that black ink onto his heart. And then I remember the look in his eyes when he told me he liked my sundress on our wedding day, and I replay that last, perfect smile that he ever gave me. Then, I take a rock out of one coat pocket and a piece of torn paper from the other. And I allow my eyes to follow over the words on the little page one final time:

I hold the page torn right out of my old diary tightly in my hand. Then, I place it on the ground near the base of the stone, and on top of it, I gently set the rock that, once upon a time, penned our love into eternity.

“I love you, Andrew,” I whisper. “I’ll love you forever…and a day.”

I softly kiss the inside of my fingers and then press them to the hard, cold stone. Then, I take another second and wipe the tears from my eyes before I slowly stand up, inhale a breath of cool air and walk away.

Once the words were said, somehow, it had made it all real. And I can’t help but notice that Jorgen had been the only one who had made me want to make it all real — to pull off the Band-Aid and start to heal. I wanted to heal for him.

I take the marriage license from Hannah and lay it into the cardboard box. Then, she hands me Andrew’s championship ring, and I catch its blue jewel sparkling in the light from the open window. My something blue. I always kept it in a little shoebox tucked away inside my closet. I take the championship ring now and the little diamond wedding ring, and I put them together into a small ring box and then lay the little box next to the marriage license.

“Here, this too,” Hannah says, handing me a little, metal pin.

I shake my head and take the pin. “No, that can stay out,” I say. “That’s actually my fiancé’s.”

Hannah just smiles back at me.

“Well, then, I think we’ve got everything,” she announces.

“Hey,” I hear a familiar voice call out from the other room.

“We’re in here,” I say.

I stretch a piece of packing tape over the top of the box.

“What about your name?” Hannah asks.

I stop running my hand over the tape and look up at her.

“I’ve been Ada for so long now. I don’t even know what it’s like to be Logan anymore.”

I think the truth is that I feel more alive being Ada and maybe also that Logan is in some way my last piece of Andrew. And there’s still a tiny piece of me that wants to leave him something.

Jorgen is standing in the doorway now. I meet his eyes, and I think he reads my mind.

“I’ve only known you as Ada,” Jorgen says. “I’ve always loved Ada.”

I slowly let go of a smile before I look back at my sister. “I’m Ada, Hannah.”

Hannah seems to understand because she gives me her look of approval.

Amsel comes in then and Jorgen pats him on the shoulder.

“Ada,” another voice calls out from the other room. “I’ve brought a lot of hands to help you move.”

The voice comes from a petite, very pregnant brunette who squeezes into the room and plants her feet in front of Amsel. Amsel puts his arm around her and kisses her on the lips.

“Thanks, Erin,” I say.

“We’ll have you all moved out and in your new home in no time,” she says, eyeing up Jorgen.

Jorgen finds my eyes, and a crooked smile dances to life on his face.

God, I love him.

“Red?”

I open my mouth, and he sets an M&M onto my tongue.

“Mmm,” I say. “Red tastes good.”

He laughs and pours more of the candies into his hand.

“Green.”

“Put it back,” I say.

I stretch my leg to where the metal links of the porch swing connect, and with my bare toes, I play with the delicate, little chains. The house is quiet now. Everyone’s gone home. Boxes are scattered in every room. There are even a few, which didn’t quite make it into the house, stacked up next to us. I turn my head in Jorgen’s lap and look out onto the field in front of us. There’s a summer breeze gently pushing the wildflowers and the tall grasses back and forth. It almost looks as if the grass is waving. I smile and turn onto my side and nuzzle back into Jorgen’s lap.