She was excited at the prospect of it, and Nanny chirped at them from the backseat as Alexander shouted “More …more cow! …Mooo!!” They were passing a whole herd of them, and the following weekend they came back and stayed at a hotel in Yountville. It was perfect for them. The weather was balmy and warm, it didn't even get the coastal fog that kept Stinson socked in sometimes, the grass was lush, the trees were huge, the vineyards were beautiful, and on their second day there they found the perfect summer house in Oakville. It was an adorable Victorian, just off Highway 29, on a narrow winding road, it had been recently redone by a family that had moved to France, and they were looking to rent it for a few months, furnished, until they decided whether or not they wanted to come back to the Napa Valley. The owner of the bed-and-breakfast inn where they stayed pointed it out to them, and Jane was clapping her hands excitedly, while Nanny proclaimed it the perfect place to keep a cow.

“And can we have chickens, Daddy? And a goat?” Jane was beside herself with excitement as Bernie laughed at them.

“Now wait a minute, guys, we're not starting Old MacDonald's farm, we're just looking for a summer house.” It was just right for them. He called the realtor handling it before they went back to the city that night, and the price sounded right to him. He could have the house from the first of June till Labor Day. Bernie agreed to all their terms, signed the lease, wrote a check, and when they went back to the city, they had a summer house, which pleased him. He hadn't wanted to send the children to his mother. He wanted them close to him. And he could commute from Napa, just as he had from Stinson. It was a longer drive, but only by very little.

“I guess that takes care of camp,” he laughed as he smiled at Jane.

“Good.” She seemed pleased. “I didn't want to go to camp anyway. Do you think Grandma and Grampa will come out here to visit us?” They had room for them. There was a room for each of them, and a spare room for guests.

“I'm sure they will.” But Ruth thought the whole project a mistake from the first. It was inland, probably too hot, undoubtedly there were rattlesnakes, and the children would have been much better in Scarsdale with her, she said. “Mom, they're excited about this. And it really is a cute house.”

“What'll you do about work?”

“I'll commute. It's only about an hour from here.”

“More mishegoss. Just what you need. When are you going to get sensible?” She wanted to ask him about calling Evelyne Rosenthal again but she decided to wait awhile. Poor Evelyne was so lonely in Los Angeles she was thinking of going back to New York again and she would have been a nice girl for him. Not as nice as Liz maybe, but nice. And good for the kids. She even had two of her own, a boy and a girl. And thinking about it, she foolishly decided to mention it to Bernie after all. “You know, I talked to Linda Rosenthal today, and her daughter is still in Los Angeles.”

He couldn't believe she was doing this to him. After pretending to be so fond of Liz, it infuriated him. How could she? “I told you. I'm not interested.” His voice was tight, and it gave him a pain in his chest just thinking about other women.

“Why not? She's a lovely girl. She's …”

He cut her off, with fury in his voice. “I'm hanging up now.” It was a dangerous subject with Bernie, and as always, Ruth was sorry for him.

“I'm sorry. I just thought…”

“Don't.”

“I guess the time's not right.” She sighed, and he sounded even angrier.

“It never will be, Mom. I'll never find someone like her.”There were suddenly tears in his eyes, and his mother felt tears sting her eyes too as she listened in Scarsdale.

“You can't think like that.” Her voice was gentle and sad as the tears rolled slowly down her cheeks for the pain she knew he lived with constantly, and it hurt her to know that.

“Yes, I can think like that. She was everything I wanted. I could never find someone like her again.” His voice was barely audible as he thought of her.

“You could find someone different, whom you might love as much, differently.” She tried to be very tactful with him now, knowing how sensitive he was. But after ten months she thought it was time, and he didn't. “At least go out a little bit.” He stayed home with the children all the time, from what Mrs. Pippin said, and that wasn't good for him.

“I'm not interested, Mom. I'd rather be home with the kids.”

“They'll grow up one day. You did.” They both smiled, but she still had Lou, and for an instant she felt guilty.

“I've got about another sixteen years before that happens. I'm not going to worry about that now.” She didn't want to press it any further for the moment, and instead they talked about the house he had rented in Napa.

“Jane wants you to come out and visit us this summer, Mom.”

“All right, all right…I'll come.” And when she did, she loved it. It was the kind of place to let down your hair, walk in the grass, lie in the hammock under giant shade trees, looking up at the sky. There was even a little brook on the back of the property, where they could walk along the rocks and get their feet wet, as he had in the Catskills when he was a child. In some ways, Napa reminded him of that, and it reminded Ruth of that too. She watched the children playing in the grass and the look on Bernie's face as he watched them, and she felt better about him than she had in a long time. It really was the perfect spot for them, Ruth conceded before she left. Bernie looked happier than he had in a long time, and so did the children.

And when Ruth left, she flew down to Los Angeles to meet Lou at a medical convention in Hollywood. And from there they were going to Hawaii with friends. She reminded Bernie of Evelyne Rosenthal, who was still in Los Angeles and available, and this time he laughed at her. He was in much better spirits, although he still wasn't interested in her. But at least he didn't bark at her about it.

“You never give up, do you, Mom?”

She had grinned at him. “All right, all right.” She kissed him hard at the airport and took a last look at him. He was still her tall, handsome son, but there was more gray in his hair than he had had the year before, the lines were deeper around his eyes, and he still looked sad. Liz had been gone almost a year now, and he was still mourning. But at least the anger was gone now. He wasn't angry at her anymore for leaving him. He was just so damn lonely without her. Aside from losing his lover and his wife, he had lost his best friend. “Take care of yourself, sweetheart,” Ruth whispered to him at the airport.

“You too, Mom.” He had hugged her again and waved as she boarded the plane. They had grown much closer in the last year or two, but at what expense. It was hard to imagine how much had happened to them. And as he drove back to Napa that night, he thought about it all …and about Liz. … It was still hard to believe she was gone …that she hadn't gone away and would be back one day. Forever was so impossible to understand. And he was still thinking about her when he got to the house in Oakville and put the car away, but Nanny was waiting up for him. It was after ten o'clock and the house was peaceful and quiet. Jane had fallen asleep in her bed reading Black Beauty.

“I don't think Alexander is well, Mr. Fine.”

Bernie frowned. The children were everything to him.

“What's wrong with him?” He was only two years old after all, still a baby practically, and more so, in Bernie's eyes, because he didn't have a mother. In Bernie's eyes, he would be a baby forever.

Nanny looked as though she felt guilty as she confessed. “I think I let him stay in the pool too long. He was complaining about his ear when he went to bed. I put some warm oil in it, but it didn't seem to help. We may have to go to the doctor in town tomorrow if it doesn't improve by morning.”

“Don't worry about it.” He smiled at her. She was so incredibly conscientious, sometimes it was hard to imagine it, and he thanked his lucky stars that he had found her when he had. He still shuddered when he thought of the sadistic Swiss nurse or the filthy Norwegian au pair who kept taking Liz' clothes. “He'll be all right, Nanny. Get to bed.”

“Would you like some warm milk to help you sleep?”

He shook his head. “I'll be all right.” But she had noticed for weeks that he was up late at night, unable to sleep, prowling around. The anniversary of Liz' death had been only a few days before, and she knew it had been hard on him. At least Jane didn't have nightmares anymore. But that night it was little Alexander who awoke howling at four A.M. Bernie had just gone to bed, and he quickly pulled on a dressing gown and went to the baby's room, where Nanny was rocking him and trying to comfort him, to no avail. “His ear?” She nodded, singing to the child as loudly as she could. “Do you want me to call the doctor?”

She shook her head. “I'm afraid you'll have to take him to the hospital. It's too bad to make him wait anymore. Poor little man.” She kissed his forehead and his cheek and the top of his head and he clung to her miserably as Bernie knelt down on the rug and looked at the baby that warmed his heart and broke it all at the same time, all because he looked so much like his mother.

“Feeling rotten, huh, big boy?” Alex nodded at his daddy and stopped crying but not for long. “Come to Dad.” He held out his arms and the child went to him. He had a raging fever, and couldn't tolerate even the softest touch on the right side of his head, and Bernie knew that Nanny was right. He had to take him to the hospital. His pediatrician had given him someone's name up there in case either of the children had an accident or got sick. He handed Alexander back to Nanny, and went to get dressed and look for the card in his desk drawer. Dr. M. Jones, it said, with the phone number. He called the exchange and got the answering service. He explained what was wrong and asked them to ring through to Dr. Jones, but the operator came back on the line and explained that Dr. Jones was at the hospital on an emergency call already.