“That is it?” Peter laughed. “You worry about the strangest things. Look I will see it when I come up in a few weeks for our anniversary. If it is too small then it still isn’t a problem. I am being transferred to Providence and maybe by the time I move we can find something together. Maybe someplace between Haven and Rhode Island. I know it will be a commute for both of us. We should think about getting you a car.”

“But I agreed to rent it at least until the end of the semester.” I argued.

“Sweetheart that is not a problem. I’m not leaving here until the end of the year. And who knows maybe by then I could probably hook up with a company in Boston or Cambridge. There is a lot of new tech companies starting up in Lynnfield and New Hampshire, which would be closer to Haven so I could start looking there.” He was so comforting and so willing to do anything to make me happy.

“Peter you love working for Syntak.” I protested.

“I love you more.” He added. “Great more guilt! How could I have betrayed him so easily?”

To make matter worse while Peter continued his end of the conversation filling me in on what was happening in his life and how much he missed me, I was ogling Allison as she was talking to Maureen. Everything about her set me on fire. How could I be doing this? Here I am talking casually to Peter while I am lusting after Allison. “Can’t blame the tequila this time.” I needed to sort this out. I was not going to tell him anything until I was positive and I won’t do it on the telephone. He deserved better then that.

Peter and I had been friends at UConn. even though he was a few years older than myself. After I went on to Yale we stayed friends. Then when my Grandmother became ill he was the only one that was really there for me. When she past away it was Peter who held me together. He helped with all of the arrangements and took care of me. It was then that I began to see this shy dark haired boy with big brown puppy dog eyes in a new light. After the few family and friends left the house the day we buried her he sat up with me and held me as I cried myself to sleep. Then He helped sell the house and settle my Grandmother’s affairs. When everything was finished I took him to dinner to thank him for all he had done.

It was on that night that we kissed for the first time and he has been the man in my life ever since. He was the perfect choice even if a part of me felt as if something was missing. On our first anniversary together He finally confessed to me that he had been in love with me for years but lacked the courage to say anything. I remembered how adorable he was while admitting to the truth. The poor guy turned every shade of red imaginable. It was at that moment that I decided that this was the man I was going to marry. Everything seemed perfect until last night. I suddenly wished my Grandmother were still alive. I needed her now more than ever. She had been the one constant in my life. Is that what Peter was? Did he simply step into her shoes as my guiding light?

If my Grandmother were still alive would I be with Peter? And if that dear sweet very conservative very Irish Catholic lady were still with me what would she say about my current situation? “That would not be pretty! I have a feeling that Peter’s reaction isn’t going to be any better.” Poor Peter. He waited for me all of those years and now I do nothing but take him for granted. Here He is ready to leave a job that he loves just to be with me. Would I do the same for him? What about Peter was my only attraction to him that he is the complete opposite of my Father?

“Stephanie?” Peter voice called to me. I apologized quickly lying about a bad connection. I informed him that my telephone would be hooked up tomorrow and I gave him the number. Then I lied once again and told him how much I was looking forward to seeing him. As I hung up the telephone I felt like a complete fraud. My brilliant life plan had not taken into account that sometimes life has plans of it’s own. I have been forcing myself to change who I am to fit some kind of ideal of who I should be. All the while telling myself that I was happy.

Was I happy? The twenty million dollar question. I told myself I was. But that was before Maureen walked into that seminar I was teaching and made me an offer I could not refuse. Prior to Maureen’s offer I had been actively pursuing a position at Brown. I had taught a seminar there and the faculty was impressed. But there weren’t any openings at that time. If I had just gotten the position at Brown everything would have been perfect. Peter could have transferred and we would have gotten married and started a family. Everything would have been just fine. Until the day the truth would have forced it’s way out. Then what would I have done? This is bad enough but at least I found out now. I suddenly realized what I had just admitted to myself. This wasn’t about Allison or Peter. This was about me. I was not making a decision. I was simply accepting the truth. The problem was that the truth was screwing everything up.

“Stephanie?” Maureen called to me bringing me back to reality or as close to it as I can get at this moment. “Time for the staff meeting.” She informed me. I followed Maureen and Allison to Bradley Hall. There was a large gathering in one of the lecture halls. Maureen had thoughtfully arranged for food services to set up an array of coffee and Danish. It was a welcome treat just the thing I needed to take my mind off of everything. I eagerly helped myself to a large cup of coffee and an apple Danish. I searched for Allison only to discover her surrounded by a large group of people.

Over come with shyness I was suddenly the new kid at school once again. There I was standing on the outside while everyone else gathered in his or her own little groups. I was horrified to see Allison do the same. “So much for the we can still be friends chat we had this morning. Was it my phone call to Peter? I know she must have heard me tell him that I missed him. Was that it? Of course it was. How two faced I must have seemed. But she didn’t understand. I owe him. Peter is a decent man. Why should I have to explain this to her? More importantly why do I feel that I should?”

I look around to find a place to seat myself. I looked hopefully towards Allison but she did not seem to notice me. I could not help but notice that mostly women surrounded her. One in particular was an older very attractive woman with dark skin and a slight hint of gray in her hair. I noticed her because she was overly friendly towards Allison. “Great now I am jealous. Last night I discover lust and today I am awaken to jealousy and envy.” Years of keeping my emotions in check had come crashing down and I was exposed. I also felt like a major dork standing there with my coffee and Danish with nowhere to go. I was forced to take the only seat available. I sat next to Stan. With his twelve-year-old tweed suit, graying hair and wire rimmed glasses, Stan was the portrait of a history professor. I said good morning to him and he simply grunted in reply. I could not help looking over my shoulder to see Allison. She was laughing at something the older woman had said.

“How are you surviving?” Stan asks finally.

“What?” I question him surprised that the man had spoken to me.

“How are you surviving sharing office space with Kendell?” He snarled as he spoke her name. “She is such a fraud.”

“Allison and I are getting along very well thank you.” I snap injured by his assessment of Allison. Of course it seems odd defending her while she was sitting on the other side of the room and I was stuck there with Stan. Stan was possibly the most boring person on the face of the earth.

“Just be careful.” Stan warned me.

“What do you mean?”

“Well you never know with those people.” He cautioned me.

Those people! Is that what I was afraid of? Being labeled. “You know Stan… I know that your specialty is early American history … but you really should take a look at this century.” I snarled at him.

“All I am saying …” He began to argue obliviously put off by my tone.

“Stan!” I cut him off. “I’m not interested.”

Thankfully Maureen chose that moment to begin and walked up to the podium. Everyone greeted her with applause. “Suck ups.” Maureen laughed. Maureen proceeded to give her speech. I could tell by the looks of my fellow faculty members that this particular speech has been heard more than once. Maureen explained that this was the last time the entire faculty would meet as a whole during the semester. The department was divided by several different classifications ranging from time periods and geographical interest. Maureen went on to remind everyone of the constant cross over that would occur within our department as well as with other departments and that teamwork was the key. Then she listed accomplishments of the staff who had published or received awards during the past semester. Then she reminded everyone of the old academic rule of survival publish or perish. I noticed that she was looking directly at Allison as she said this.

Maureen also reminded us not to abuse the interns and TA’s since they were here to learn. Then she introduced me as the newest member of the department. She listed all of my accomplishments etc. Everyone seemed impressed. Everyone except Allison. I stood and received a very warm round of applause as my new peers greeted me. Maureen concluded the meeting with a reminder that the department’s basketball team the relics still needed positions filled. She assured us that this would be the year that we would finally beat the English department. She looked once again to Allison who simply raised a single eyebrow with a questioning look. “Basketball huh? I always did well with that sport and others. My only hold back was I could never play for my school since my age never matched my grade level. This might be a nice diversion. Then again a little one on one practice sessions with a certain tall dark history professor could certainly be enjoyable.”