Marion Croslydon - Fast Forward

The memory pierced my heart and punched at my libido. I tore myself from Cassie, my fingers, my lips. I rolled onto my side and lay on my back. I stared at the ceiling while the movements of my chest betrayed the turmoil inside.

“What the hell?” Cassie sounded pissed-off. “I’ve been trying to cool you down all week and now, when we’re about to commit the deed… you back off.”

“I’m sorry.”

Silence filled the tiny space between us until she turned sideways with her head resting on her crooked arm. “Did I do something wrong?”

“No,” I shot back. I moved so that I faced her, our mouths a few inches apart.

“So why’d you stop?” She sounded like a little girl whose favorite toy had been taken by the playground bully. I was out of my fucking mind to deny us what we’d been dancing around since we got back together less than a week ago.

“I don’t think we’re ready yet.”

Cassie crossed her hands over her chest and curled her legs underneath her. “How so? Because from where I stood—or laid—you felt very ready.”

“I’m totally up for going at it all night, Cass. But this isn’t about that.” I extended my hand and rested it on her stomach above her scar. The scar left by the C-section.

“What is it about then?”

“I want it to be our first time all over again.”

A wrinkle appeared between her eyebrows but there was a smile in her voice when she asked, “Then why didn’t you jump me when we got back together at Sweet Angel Point?”

“I’m serious, Cass. I’ve been drooling like a puppy dog all week waiting for you to give me the green light. But I don’t want what we had in Oxford. I want making love to be about our future. I want it to be about being married and committed to each other.”

Cassie bit on her lower lip and avoided my eyes. “I thought you were committed to me. Back under the cotton tree, you said it was the real deal this time, that this was our second chance. Have you changed your mind?”

My hand flew to her face, my thumb underneath her moist eyelids. “I’ll never go back on my word and I’ve never meant anything other than what I said to you that day. It meant even more to me than when I said ‘I do’ in front of God and Reverend Beasley.”

Her body relaxed against me. “Sometimes you talk like a chick, you know.”

“Baby, trust me when I say there’s nothing feminine in my boxer shorts right now.” I gave her an innocent kiss, one that lasted barely a second. I wasn’t that masochistic or self-controlled. “But when I make love to you for the first time again, it will be as a husband honoring his wife.”

“Yeah, but technically we’re already husband and wife.”

Damn, the girl wasn’t making it easy for me to be good. “What I’m trying to say—and failing to apparently—is that we have to focus on the man and the woman we are today. Not the boy and the girl we used to be.”

She stared downwards for a long minute, processing my words. A misunderstanding was the last thing we needed before parting for weeks. Finally her gaze settled back on me, locking my attention.

“Josh MacBride, I think you’re ready to get into politics. You managed to convince me to do something I absolutely don’t want to do.” Her tone turned solemn. “I understand. But I need you to cuddle and spoon me all night.”

“Then assume the cuddle position, woman.”

We wriggled underneath the duvet cover, me still half-dressed, Cassie with her back turned to me in an almost fetal position. I aligned myself against her, my arm over the hollow curve of her waist.

“Good night, Cass,” I whispered.

“Good night, Champ,” she whispered back.

Cassie

By seven a.m. I had caffeine buzzing through my veins.

It’d started with Mr. Guidi’s triple espresso. But we’d left so early that we made it to the bus departure point with an hour to kill. We’d gone into a nearby diner to wait and I’d ordered a large coffee. It’d tasted as thin as water so I ordered a second.

Big mistake.

I was wound as tight as a spring. And it was also almost time to get onto a freakin’ bus full of strangers who lived and breathed sex, drugs and rock’n’roll. Okay, maybe I was being a bit clichéd. Still, they were all guys and the only women who ever got onboard were groupies, and they weren’t there just to enjoy a glass of iced tea.

Not that I was a prude, or anything. I mean, I got knocked-up at seventeen.

“So you’ll email me the paperwork as soon as you get it. Promise me,” I asked.

“Cass, chill out. Curtis is launching the adoption process this week. These things take time.” He leaned across the table and his hand covered mine. “We’ve talked about this.”

I nodded. My foot kept tapping against the side of my chair. “I’m not like you, Mr. Ivy League. Paperwork makes me nervous and takes me ages to get through. I have to think about every single word I write. I don’t want to say anything that’ll mess up our application.”

“Think about it like writing a song.” When I tilted my head sideways, he added, “Seriously! Just don’t worry, please. I’ll review everything before I send it to Curtis. So in the end there’ll be several pairs of eyes to ensure we look like the most respectable, mature and stable adoptive parents ever.”

I chuckled. “Good luck with that. Erasing six years of screwing up is gonna take some clever spin.”

Josh waved his hands and shrugged. “What can I say? I’m getting into politics after all.” His cocky expression shifted to a serious one. “It’s not a lie. We’re the best parents for Lucas?”

He said that, not so much as a question, but as if he was willing it to be true. “We are,” I told him because I knew so. I didn’t want us to part with heavy thoughts so I changed the topic. “I thought politics was all about big ideas and big dreams anyway. And this Senator Estevez you’re working for, he’s supposed to be new blood.”

“I’d like to think so.”

“So why do you look so gloomy each time we talk about your new job?”

Josh leaned against the back of his chair, his gaze lost somewhere through the window among the scene outside.

“I’d have made more money in lobbying.”

My heart froze. I couldn’t keep the words in and they burst out of my mouth. “You mean you could make more money if you were getting married to Eleanor and worked for her daddy.”

He looked dazed. “Where the hell did that come from?”

Coffee always made me snappy and I was overdosing on it right now. “Sorry… I didn’t mean to accuse you of anything. I guess… I still don’t feel totally secure. Lenor is pretty much the dream girl.”

“For the record, Cassie, I could have worked in lobbying for someone other than Bruce Carrington. I chose to join Estevez’s staff because I admire the man and I believe in him and what he can do for the country. Now is it the best paid job on the Hill? Nope. Far from it.”

“It’s still good money and, as far as I can remember, you’ve always wanted to change the world.”

“Sure, but I have a family to look after now.”

It was my turn to lean forward and lace my fingers through his. “You’ll look after us just fine, Champ. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself.” He didn’t say anything so I pushed my point. “You’ll make us proud, Joshua MacBride. I know you will.”

The tension in his body told me he wasn’t convinced. “It’s time to go,” he said.

I didn’t want to leave him. It was like being a kid on my way to summer camp, leaving my parents for the first time. Josh was my family and I couldn’t be without him ever again.

He paid for our coffees and escorted me outside. He had my duffel bag on one shoulder and carried my guitar case in that hand. His free hand was on the small of my back. He force-marched me to the corner where the bus would be waiting. It sat in front of the hotel where the rest of the band members had spent the night.

“What’s up, Cass?”

I didn’t answer.

Josh leveled himself so that he could stare at me in the eyes. “You know you’re going to be late now.”

I nodded. A tight nod like I’d seen Lucas make when he was sulking. Josh cocked his eyebrow but didn’t say anything.

“I don’t want to go.”

“Are you scared to be in that bus full of testosterone-fueled guys? Because, to be honest, I’m a little scared one of those cool guys will sweep you off your feet and make you forget all about your stuck-up, nerdy husband.”

Josh having self-esteem issues? That’s new.

“It’ll never happen, Champ. You’re the only one I want to sweep me off my feet. Even when you’re old and wrinkly.”

He whistled. “So I better stay fit in my senior years.”

“You bet. But that’s not why I don’t want to go.” He gave me another cock of his eyebrow that made my toes curl inside my boots. “I don’t want to be away from you again.” The wave of emotions crashed over me harder than I expected. A waterfall of tears wasn’t the good-bye gift I wanted to give Josh. “Now that I have you back, I never want to let you go.”

The humor left his face and his expression turned serious. “Listen to me, Cass. Listen to me carefully.” His forehead came to rest against mine. “We are never letting go of each other. Never. That shit is never happening again.”

I fought the lump in my throat. “Then why am I getting onto that bus when I could follow you to D.C?”

“Because you shouldn’t have to sacrifice who you are to love me.”

“I can’t be a mother and a wife if I’m touring around the country and sleeping on a bus.”

He lowered his gaze and I knew I’d scored a point. “Let’s deal with that when the moment comes. Right now there’s nothing we can do about Lucas except filling in the paperwork and spending time with him when we’re given the opportunity. That’s why I want you to get on that bus and climb on a different stage every night and give it everything you’ve got.”