Marion Croslydon - Fast Forward

“Come here.” Cassie drew him closer so that he nestled against her body.

The tips of his chubby fingers brushed the line that the tear had traced down her cheek. “I don’t want you to cry.”

“I’m sorry, Lucas. It’s just that the song playing on the radio… well, it’s a song I wrote.”

Lucas’s gaze rose to the ceiling as if the sound was coming from there. It required an effort to hear anything because of the wailing baby. Still, I noticed that his little feet started to tap in time with the rhythm and his shoulders began to sway. Cassie and I exchanged glances. It took a lot of effort to hide our smiles.

He started some weird wriggling and off-tune humming. His shoulders and his hips were so not in sync, that if I’d ever had any doubts he was my son, they’d just been extinguished. Lucas offered his hand to Cassie. At first she stared at it as if she had no idea what to do with it. She looked at me, then at Lucas, and with the slightest smile, she took his hand and stood.

The song was in the middle of an instrumental section. Lucas attempted to mimic the drumming by bashing his arms in the air. When he was finished with the performance, Cassie grabbed his hand again and danced with him, making him swirl around.

She motioned for me to join them again. I shook by head and mouthed a silent ‘No way.’ But it was a battle I’d already lost and I was reluctantly dragged into making a fool of myself. Even the wailing baby finally shut his mouth in shock.

I blocked out everything that was not the three of us and the song. Happiness engulfed the three of us. It was like reaching a shore after a long journey. It was like being a family at last.

Cassie

It took me twelve hours to give birth to Lucas. I ended up on the operating table having a C-section. Back then I’d been wrecked. That had been nothing compared to today’s round-trip to Mount Vernon.

I wasn’t wrecked. I was totally exhausted. Out for the count.

I was also so freakin’ happy my heart was beating as fast as if I’d run the New York Marathon on speed.

“Cassie, can I have some fries?”

What next? Marshmallows with his chocolate? I’d spent the last months studying every book I could get my hands on, from Screamfree Parenting to Duct Tape Parenting, and the scary-sounding Raising Kids for True Greatness. I’d taken notes, asked our caseworker a truckload of questions and taken even more notes. Along the way, I’d also devoured Real Food for Healthy Kids. I had even made recipe cards based on it and filed them in a brand new folder labeled ‘LUCAS’ GOOD FOOD.’

I stared away from the pan where the chicken breast was frying in omega-loaded vegetable oil. Lucas sat at the wooden table we’d bought in a second-hand shop. A lick of paint had given it a new lease of life. I’d put a lot of work into the apartment but it was all worthwhile. From the new curtains to the glossy white of the walls, we now had a home.

“Maybe not, Champ. As if the cheesecake and the hot chocolate weren’t enough for one day.”

“But it’s Thanksgiving.” He gave me that pout he must have practiced in front of the mirror fifty times a day.

I reduced the flame on the burner and went to sit beside Lucas. He was drawing houses and planes and cars… all on the same piece of paper. It was getting crowded.

“Technically, Thanksgiving was yesterday,” Josh said. He’d made it out of the shower and he shook his wet hair as if he was staring in a shampoo ad. “That was what the turkey and the pumpkin pie were about, remember?”

“Okay.” Lucas pouted.

I felt bad for being the food police again. I wanted to be a good parent. But maybe I was trying too hard.

Josh, as he often did, read my brainwaves. He took a seat on the other side of Lucas. “We want to make you happy and enjoy your time with us, you know?” Lucas gave his signature nod. “But we also want the best for you, even if it makes us a bit boring.”

The sides of Lucas’s mouth curled. “You’re not boring.” His head did a back and forth between us. “I’d like to live with you.”

His voice said the words, but his face made it more like a question, as if he was afraid we could still say ‘no.’ But there was no way on earth—or anywhere else—that I was going to give up on my boy this time round… and he wanted to be with us.

His hand was clasped tightly around the pen. I wrapped my fingers around his so that he let go of it.

“We’ll take care of you, Lucas.” I blinked hard to keep the tears from welling up. “I promise you. No one will try harder.”

“I’ll try to be good too. I promise. I won’t be too naughty.”

I kissed his forehead and tasted the sugariness of his skin. “Just be yourself, baby, and we’ll try doing the same.”

Josh covered me with his gaze and it felt as soft as cotton. Then, out of the blue, Lucas’s arms were around my neck and he was giving me the wettest kiss ever. On both cheeks.

He sat back on his seat.

“Where did that come from?”

“You said people who love each other, they kiss each other… and I’m not going to kiss you on the mouth because that’s gross.”

“Are you saying you love me, Champ?”

“I love you. I love Josh too, but he’s a boy so I’m not going to kiss him. Not even on the cheek.”

Josh burst out laughing. “Yuk!” Lucas joined the laughter and they high-fived each other instead. The scene was like a dream. Two points on my back started to twitch. They were where my wings had started to grow. I was about to fly into the sky, carried away by happiness. Sometimes, I could be cheesier than Josh himself.

Then I crashed back to Earth, as Lucas’s face came over all serious. “What’s up?” I placed the tip of my index finger underneath his chin so that he met my eyes.

“Andrea is going to be sad.”

I really didn’t want to hear that name. “Why, baby?”

“Because she said she wanted to be my mom.”

My eyes met Josh’s. His brow was furrowed. Trisha, our caseworker back in Kansas City had warned us: for Lucas’s sake, we should never mention the adoption to him until the pre-placement visits. Apparently Andrea Loretti hadn’t bothered with that rule. I felt less sorry for her now.

“Okay, and what do you want?” I was treading a risky line, but we had to talk about it. We had the right to now. “It’s fine for you to say what you really mean.”

Josh came and knelt by my side so that he could be face-to-face with Lucas. “We’re friends. We’ll always be friends and friends tell each other the truth, even when it hurts sometimes. Don’t be scared to hurt us. The only thing that matters is that you’re happy.”

“I’m not happy with Sharon.” He chewed the end of his pencil. “She’s nice but she doesn’t cuddle me like my mommy did… like you do.” I smiled and fought back my tears. I still didn’t say anything. “I’m big now, but I need my cuddles.”

“Does Andrea cuddle you then?” Josh asked.

“She does but it’s not the same. She’s not my mommy or Cassie.”

Pride welled up in my chest.

“Andrea and her husband are nice and they like you very much.” Josh managed to keep his voice neutral. “We love you. Whoever you choose, we’ll still love you and we’ll always be your friends. No matter what.”

Panic flashed through Lucas’s eyes and his next words burst from him. “But I want to be with you two.”

I held back a sob. There was so much longing inside me, I was scared it was going to spill out. Josh took Lucas in his arms. “I believe we have a deal then, Champ. You’re coming to live with us.”

I waited for my turn to take him in my arms. I held him tight until he mumbled something against my shirt. “Cassie, it smells like burning.”

“Sh—ugar!” I ran back to the kitchen where the chicken breast I’d left simmering was now caramelized. “Noooo!” By the time I cooked another one it’d almost be Lucas’s bedtime. “Sorry, sweetheart. You’ll have to wait a bit longer for your dinner.”

The response that came from the living room was from Josh and Lucas at the same time, and it was mixed with giggles, “Can we have fries then?”

I sat at the foot of Lucas’s bed, as still as a statue because it’d taken ages for him to find sleep. He’d been over-tired. The day had been packed and our conversation before dinner, well, it’d been like a tumble-dryer of emotions and we were washed-out.

The door cracked open and a ray of light made it into the room for a split second then vanished. Josh came to my side on tiptoes. I prayed he wouldn’t wake up Lucas. I couldn’t survive another Dr. Seuss story, not after five in a row.

Josh took my hand and led me outside quietly. After each step I expected Lucas to call out my name. We made it back into the living room and waited behind the door for one minute. Each second ticked in our heads. No sound came from the bedroom and I let out a heavy breath of relief.

“It’s Cassie-time now,” Josh whispered.

“What do you mean?”

He walked me through the semi-darkness into our bathroom. Now, I loved our bathroom. It was one of those old, vintage ones that still managed to look cool. The icing on the cake for me was the standalone bathtub. Tonight, the bathroom was like the paradise where girls wanted to spend eternity, without any chance to make it back to life. As with the rest of our apartment, the lights were off, but the bathroom was illuminated by a string of candles. There were so many of them that I almost freaked that the house was going to burn down.