She spoke quietly as she stood up. She was ready to leave. “So am I. And I would assume that you're the one who's made up his mind. You don't even call to make excuses anymore. You just don't come home at all. I'm surprised you haven't just moved your clothes out yet. I keep coming home at night, expecting to find your things gone.”

“Nothing has reached that point, Faye.”

“I don't see how you can say that. You've already walked out, you just haven't bothered to explain it yet.” It seemed wrong to be fighting when Anne had just been found. They should have been shouting with relief, except that there was so much bitterness between them now. And they had avoided each other for so long.

“I haven't known what to say to you, Faye.”

“Apparently. You just walked right out of our lives.”

He knew it was true, and it was the second time in their life he had done that, but he didn't have the strength she had. And Carol had come along, and it had made him feel like a man again. It softened the blow of his son turning out to be gay … it was no longer a reflection on him … he was okay … but in the process he had walked right over her. He saw that now. But how could he explain it to her? There was no way that he could, and she walked past him to the office door.

“Ill call you as soon as we're back.”

Ward looked at her sheepishly. “I made a reservation on the three o'clock flight too. I figured that was the one you'd be on.”

“There's no point in both of us going up.” She really didn't want him along. She had enough on her mind, especially with Lionel saying Anne might be on drugs, and the pregnancy they'd have to get rid of as soon as possible, all she needed was Ward making excuses for what a sonofabitch he'd been. She didn't want to hear it now. It just wasn't the time. She looked at him in exasperation and he begged with his eyes.

“I haven't seen her in five months, Faye.”

“Couldn't you wait another day?” He didn't move from where he stood, and she looked at him and sighed. He was just making this more difficult. She looked suddenly resigned. “Fine. I have a studio car downstairs.” She turned and walked out the door, and he followed her. He said not a word to her on the way to the airport, and it was clear that she had no desire to talk to him. Their seat assignments were not together on the flight, and when the man at the desk attempted to do them a favor and shift some other people around, she discouraged him. There was no doubt in Ward's mind as they boarded the plane separately, that his marriage to Faye was over. And the bitch of it was that the other girl didn't mean a damn to him. She had just been a way of confirming his own masculinity to him and soothing the pain, but it was too late to try and explain that to Faye. She agreed to share a cab to Lionel's hotel with him, although she looked him straight in the eye and laid down the law to him.

“I just want to make things clear to you, Ward. Those two boys have just devoted five months of their lives to finding her. They gave up a term in school, and they've gone looking for her every day. If it were up to the police, we still wouldn't know where she was. So if you say one ugly word to either of them, I am never ever going to see you again, and I will sue you for every dime you've got, just to get even with you. If you want a friendly divorce, my friend, be decent to your son and John Wells. Is that clear?” Her eyes were rock hard, and his wore the same look of sorrow she had seen in them all day. He looked like a beaten man these days, but it was his own damn fault as far as she was concerned.

“And if I don't want a friendly divorce?”

“Then don't even try and ride into the city with me, Ward.” She raised an arm to hail a cab for herself and he pulled it down harder than he had meant to, but he was desperate now.

“That isn't what I meant. Why are you so sure I want a divorce? I haven't agreed to that. I haven't said anything at all about that.”

She laughed bitterly at him outside the airlines terminal. “Don't be ridiculous. I've hardly seen you for the last four months, you never even come home at night, and you expect me to stay married to you? You must take me for an even bigger fool than I am.” Besides which he had caused damage which she suspected could never be repaired.

“You're not the fool, Faye, I am.”

“I completely agree with you. But this is neither the time nor the place to discuss it.” She looked at him with immeasurable irritation. “I really don't know why in hell you came along.”

“To see Anne … and talk to you … it's been so long, Faye …”

“That's not my fault.”

“I know that. It's mine.” He seemed perfectly willing to take the blame. As though he had come to his senses at last. But it was too late. For both of them.

She looked at him skeptically now. “What happened, did your little soap-opera nurse call it quits this morning when I walked in on you in your office?”

“No. As a matter of fact, I called it quits with her.” More or less. She had left in a rage because he said he was going to San Francisco with Faye, and he had told her he'd talk to her about it when he got back. But he had every intention of telling her it was over between them, whether Faye wanted to stay married to him or not. She was twenty-two years old, and he was beginning to feel ridiculous with her. It was all over. It had been foolish and insane, but it was what he had needed at the time. What he needed now was Faye. He knew now that he always had, yet she had been so locked in her own pain that he couldn't reach her anymore. They had had nothing to give each other for a short time, yet all he wanted now was another chance—if she'd listen to him, but she was showing no sign of it now. She had hailed a cab, yanked open the door, and was staring at him.

“Are you coming, Ward?”

“Did you hear what I said? I told you, it's over with that girl.”

“I don't give a damn.”

“Fine. Just so you know where we stand.”

“And just so you know where we stand, Ward, we stand finished. Over. Finito. Through. Is that completely clear?” She gave the driver the address and sat back against the seat.

“I don't happen to agree with you.”

She was so furious she wanted to punch him, but she had to restrain herself. She attempted to lower her voice so the driver wouldn't hear, and went on arguing with him. “You've got one hell of a fucking nerve. For half a year, you abandon us, shit all over me, and make a fool of yourself with a girl almost thirty years younger than you are, and now magnanimously you decide to come back. Well, go fuck yourself, Ward Thayer. I want a divorce.” She saw the driver glance in the rearview mirror, and Ward took no notice of him.

“I want to be married to you.”

“You're a sonofabitch.”

“I know I am. But we've been married for twenty-one years and I don't want to quit now.”

“Why not? You had no trouble quitting five months ago.” But they both knew why. The shock of Lionel had been too great for him. She had always known it would be, and she felt a stirring of compassion for him now.

“You know what that was all about.”

“That's no excuse for walking out on me.”

“I had no other way to prove my masculinity again.”

“That's a miserable excuse.”

“But it happens to be true.” He stared out the window and then back at her again. “You'll never know what that did to me.”

“And now? Are you going to punish him again?”

“I'm grateful that he found Anne.” But his voice told its own tale.

“But you'll never forgive him, will you?”

“I can never forget what he is.”

“He's your son, Ward. And mine.”

“It's different for you.”

“Maybe. But I love him anyway. He's an extraordinary young man.”

Ward sighed. “I know that … I don't know what I feel anymore. I've been hurting and confused for so long, it's not easy to sort out now … and there's Anne….” Faye frowned, thinking of what Lionel had said. She wondered if she should warn Ward, if that would be too much of a shock for him too.

Her voice was gentle for the first time in months when she spoke to him again. “Lionel thinks she's on drugs.” He immediately looked up at her with a worried frown.

“What kind?”

“He's not sure yet. Marijuana, LSD …”

“It could be worse, I guess.”

“It is.” Faye went on. “She's pregnant too.” Ward closed his eyes and then opened them again and looked at her.

“What's happened to us all in the last six months? Our whole damn life has fallen apart.”

She smiled gently at him. What he said was true. But in time, they would put it together again, they'd crawl out of it. They had before. He looked at her, and took her hand.

“We've both been through hell.” She didn't disagree with him, and she didn't pull her hand away. They needed each other now, if only for the next few hours, and she was suddenly glad he had come along. Even if they never saw each other again after this.

The cab hurtled into town, as they both sat, lost in their own thoughts, thinking of their little girl.





CHAPTER 24




They arrived at the San Marco Hotel shortly after five o'clock. It was a small unassuming hotel off Divisadero Street, and had been John and Lionel's home for more than four months. Faye looked up at it for an instant before hurrying inside with Ward on her heels. She knew that their room was on the third floor, from her last trip up, and she headed quickly up the stairs before the desk clerk could say anything to her. She didn't want to talk to anyone now. She just wanted to see Anne. She even forgot that Ward was with her, as she rapped softly on the door. A moment later Lionel appeared. He looked at her through the narrow opening, seemed to hesitate, and slowly opened the door. And from where she stood, Faye could see the still form lying there, her back to her. She was wearing Lionel's bathrobe, her hair had grown long and her feet were bare, and for an instant Faye thought she was asleep, and then she turned slowly to see who it was, her face tear-stained, her eyes dark-rimmed and huge in the suddenly narrow face. Faye was instantly taken aback, but she didn't want to let on. Anne had completely changed in the five months she'd been gone. She was thinner, looked more grown up, and there was something so different about her face that Faye wasn't even sure she would have recognized her. She was almost sure she would not have from a photograph and was grateful that John had.