E. Blair - Falling

“You can’t kiss me,” she says as a new slew of tears starts. “If you do . . . I’ll never want to leave you.”

“Then I’ll come with you.”

“Ryan . . . I just can’t. I’m too scared you’ll hurt me again. I just need to be on my own. I’ve been working so hard to pull myself out of the hell I’ve been living in.”

“I know you have. I ask Jase about you all the time. He’s told me how well you’re doing. I just wish I could be around to see it, babe,” I choke out around the knot in my throat that I can no longer fight as I drop my head and cry. Cry for what we once had. We were so good and happy. Completely in love and bound together in a way I never thought two people could be. But we were, and I don’t think something like that comes around too often.

“All I ever wanted was for you to be okay, to be happy,” I tell her.

“I’m okay.”

She lets me hold on to her, so I do. Scared to let go of her because I know what it means when I finally do, and it’s a pain I’m not ready to feel. So I let time pass as I keep her tucked into me, her head nestled in the curve of my neck, the feel of her damp hair against my skin, the smell of her soft scent that filters into my lungs . . . my senses consumed with her, and then comes sound as she finally speaks.

“Do you think you could drive me home?”

“Yeah,” I whisper, wondering how you say goodbye to someone like her. But I find happiness in one thing, and that is, after all we have been through and all the time that has passed, she ran to me for the comfort that she needed.

I let my tears fall as I drive her home, and with each glance over, I see her own stained face. My gut is in knots, and with my eyes on the road ahead, I ask, as desperate as a man could, because I have nothing else, “Tell me how to fight for you.”

“Please,” is her only response, spoken softly, pleading for me not to push any more.

When I pull up to her house, I turn to her and ask, “Can I walk you in?”

“Ryan.”

Nodding my head, I get it. I see the pain in her eyes, but when she turns to grab the handle, I give her my last attempt to let her know, “I’ll never love anyone the way that I love you.”

She looks back at me, tears streaming, and she nods. Without words I hear what she’s telling me, and I hate that she’s denying us something we both know is great. She feels my words too, and having the knowledge that she feels the same way about loving me makes this all the worse. With the click of the handle, she steps out as I hear her crying begin to crack though, and the sound is excruciating.

And that’s it.

She’s gone.

“How is it that you’re so good with Bennett?” Traci asks me as I lay him down on the floor on his blanket.

“Because for the past five years my cousins have been pushing out babies,” I tell her.

Max returned to work this past week, and he wanted me to stop by and check on Traci. He told me she was freaking out about being alone with the baby, so I decided to bring my camera along to take some photos of Bennett for her.

“Can you turn off the light? I just need the natural light right now.”

“Yeah, sure,” she says as she flips the lights off.

The sun is shining today, making it perfect for these pictures. Bennett is asleep as I adjust him before bringing the camera to my eye and taking a few shots then moving him into a different pose.

“Thanks for doing this.”

“No problem. I wasn’t doing anything today, so I’m glad I have the distraction,” I tell her because I feel like I just went back in time a few months, and I’m feeling the loss of Candace all over again.

“Max is worried about you,” she says, and when I look up at her, I say, “Is that so?”

Tilting her head at me, she adds, “Yeah, that’s so.”

“Tell him I’m fine. Life is full of shit. It’s nothing that I’m not used to.”

“That’s a depressing outlook.”

Sitting back on my heels, I scan through the photos I just took as I say, “Not everybody gets what they want, Traci.”

“There’s probably someone else out there that you’re gonna want more; you just haven’t met her yet.”

“I’m not so sure about that.”

“Ryan,” Traci says to get my attention as she sits on the floor next to Bennett and me. “We’ve all lost someone we loved only to find that it wasn’t as deep of a love as we had thought when we finally find the one.”

“Is Max the one?”

She looks at her son and smiles when she says, “Yeah.”

“And there’s never been a question or hesitation about it?”

Turning back to me, she tells me, “No.”

“And what about the others you thought you loved? Any hesitation there?”

When she nods her head yes, I add, “That’s the difference here. Never was there a question or hesitation. And she wasn’t just someone I loved.”

She doesn’t respond as I lie down next to Bennett with my camera to get some close-ups of his facial features. Traci and I have gotten to know each other better since the baby came along, and I started spending more time over here at their house. At first, I was just trying to keep myself busy, but in the process, I’ve connected with Traci, and Max and I have become closer as well. I have a good bond with Jase, and even Mark, but it’s hard to be around them at times because it only reminds me of how it used to be. But having this with two people that don’t have that connection with Candace gives me a reprieve.

I head up to the bar to give Max the prints of the photos I took of his son a few days ago, and when I walk in, I see Jase sitting at the bar, talking to Mel.

“Hey, Ryan. I didn’t think you were coming in today,” Mel says as I walk over to them.

“I just needed to drop some stuff off with Max,” I tell her and then look at Jase, asking, “How are you doing, man?”

“Good. Just waiting on Mark to get out of an interview.”

“How’s all that going?”

“I got a job offer yesterday, so I’m good to go. Just hoping that Mark gets this one because it’s the firm he really wants,” he tells me.

“Congrats, man. That’s great. So when do you start?”

“Next week.”

Knowing that Candace should be moving soon, I ask because I guess I like to torture myself, “When does she move?”

I don’t even need to say her name when he tells me, “Friday morning.”

It’s hard to imagine that she’ll be in New York City, all alone, in three days. It’s always been her dream to dance with the company that she signed on with, and I’m happy that she’s doing this for her and no one else. It’s something she’s always wanted and to have this opportunity in life, to see your dreams through, is an amazing thing, and I’m so proud of her. I honestly never thought she would ever move away like she is, all by herself. It’s hard for me to imagine her in a place where she’s okay to do this on her own. The girl that was always so scared of crowds and going out. Timid and paranoid. I worry about her.

“Could you do me a favor?” I ask.

“Yeah.”

“Are you taking her to the airport?”

When he nods his head yes, I ask, “Will you give me a call when she’s gone?”

The pity in his eyes irritates me, but I expect it. There’s no doubt that this girl makes me weak. She always has. She softened me up because she was so delicate, and I loved that about her, that she could do that to me.

“You sure?” Jase asks.

“I’m sure.”

“Alright,” he says as he stands up. “I gotta get going. Mark should be at my place soon.”

As he walks out, Mel comes back over after giving the two of us space to talk.

“Mel,” I sigh out on an exasperated breath.

“You look like you need a drink.”

“When did life get so damn depressing?” I ask her with a slight laugh.

“You’re asking me?” she responds as she hands me a beer. “All I know is, I’m over it.”

Her expression mirrors mine, and I know something is weighing on her.

“Talk to me.”

The place is dead with it being early in the day, so she takes a seat next to me.

“Zane wants a divorce,” she tells me.

“What?”

She nods and says, “Yeah. I got the papers a few days ago.”

“Shit,” I mutter. “I’m sorry.”

When she shrugs her shoulders, she tells me, “We just grew apart, you know? Maybe it was me. Music was always his life; I just never thought that he would make anything big out of it, so I never considered it in our path in life. But that’s not the life I want.”

“So now what?”

“I don’t know,” she mumbles.

Taking a swig of my beer, I say, “Yeah, me neither.”

It’s Friday, and I’m sitting around dreading the call that I asked for. Why do I do this shit to myself? I tried to keep busy by working on some photo editing from a shoot I was hired to do for a portfolio, but my head just wasn’t in it. So now I’m killing the minutes, surfing around on the internet when my cell finally rings, causing a quick drop in my gut.

Seeing Jase’s name on the screen, I take the call that I should have never sought.

“Hey,” I say quietly.

“Hey, man. I just got back to my apartment. Sorry it took so long to call; I had to take Kimber back home.”

“So you got her dropped off?”

“Yeah. She should be boarding now.”

“How was she?” I ask.

“Nervous as expected, but this is what she’s been working so hard for, so I know she’s excited.”

Feeling the welling of sadness, I rush off the phone, needing to just drown in this for a while.