E. Blair - Falling

“What kind of pizza do you want, Candace?” I holler into the kitchen.

“I don’t care. I’ll eat anything at this point,” she tells me as I order the pizza.

She walks back into the room carrying a bottle of wine to share with Mark. Those two have proven to be the wine drinkers of the group while Jase and I watch the game and toss back a couple beers, but apparently I haven’t kept that good a count ‘cause Jase has definitely had more than a couple when he starts screaming at the penalty that was just called.

We all laugh at him when he runs into the kitchen to answer Candace’s phone that starts to go off.

He walks back in, total mood shift, mouthing ‘I’m sorry’ as he hands Candace the phone.

“Who is it?” she asks quietly.

“Your mother.”

She looks irritated when she heads outside to the patio to take the call.

“What’s that all about?” I ask Jase.

“Her parents are assholes to her,” he blurts out and Mark butts in, almost scolding when he calls his name, “Jase.”

He looks to Mark and says, “What? They are. They treat her like shit and she doesn’t deserve it.”

Getting up from the couch, I head into the other room where I watch her through the glass French doors. I can hear her yelling, “Of course this is my fault, right? You are unbelievable, Mother!”

“It’s not my fault. I swear.”

I watch my father’s glare as he spits out, “It’s never your fault, you piece of shit,” before grabbing the broom and whacking the wooden handle into my back. I hear the wood splinter and crack when it slaps across my skin, sending shards of heated pain up my spine.

“Get your ass up and walk to school. Don’t ask me to drive you again. You miss the bus, you walk.”

Coming out of my thoughts, I fight the urge to storm out there and take the phone from her so she doesn’t have to listen to whatever her mother is saying to her that’s making her so upset. Instead, I stand here and watch her. When she hangs up and shoves the phone in her pocket, she sits back in one of the chairs and stares up into the sky. She’s sad. And it’s not just tonight. Underneath the few conversations that we’ve had, I can see it buried in her. On the drive to Mount Rainier this morning, she must have had a nightmare or something when she fell asleep in the back seat of the car while Mark and I were up front. I didn’t want to give it too much attention because I didn’t want to embarrass her, but she was scared. She was in Jase’s arms in a matter of seconds, and now, watching her staring into the blackness, I feel there’s more to her than she lets on.

When she stands and turns, she catches me watching her, but I don’t even care. I open the door and ask, “You okay?” because I really need to know.

But when she blows it off and says with mock humor, “My mother’s lost her mind, that’s all,” I see her walls.

“Wanna talk about it?” I keep on, trying to chip as she walks past me.

Turning to face me, she casually says, “Nothing to really talk about.”

I want to touch her, just brush her cheek, something, but I don’t. Being with her today, talking with her, laughing with her—she’s different. Sweet, funny, athletic, and soft. God, she’s soft. But it’s more than that; she has depth to her. A depth I’ve never seen with the girls I’ve been with. Not that I’ve been with them in a way to even notice if they did, but they all seemed so shallow. Even though she doesn’t mean to let on, I can tell there’s a lot going on under her exterior, and I feel this eagerness to explore.

When she walks back to Jase and lies down with her head in his lap, he asks, “What did she want?”

“She wanted to know when I would be home for Thanksgiving.”

“When are you going to leave?” Mark asks.

“I told her I would be there Wednesday night. I’ll probably leave Saturday morning,” she answers as I walk across the room and take a seat on the stoop of the fireplace.

“When are you and Mark heading out?” she questions Jase.

“Our flight leaves around noon on Tuesday,” he tells her.

“When do you guys get back?”

“Late Sunday afternoon.”

“What about you?” she asks me as she rolls onto her side to look at me.

“I’m going to go spend a few days with my family down in Cannon Beach in Oregon. My aunts and uncles always come to my mother’s house with my cousins for a big dinner.”

“Will you be there for the weekend?”

“Nah,” I tell her. “I’ll come back home that night. My mom and her sisters spend the day plotting for Black Friday, so I always come back home and just lay low.”

“Sounds like you have a big family,” Jase says.

“Yeah, man, three cousins and between them they have seven little kids. I love them, but shit they’re loud,” I say as I laugh.

“Must be nice though. I’m an only child with no cousins. Small family,” she tells me.

“So, it’s just you and your parents?”

“Mmm hmm.”

“They live very far?” I ask her.

“No. They still live in Shoreline where I grew up.”

Knowing that Jase is going home with Mark to Ohio for the holiday, I offer, “Well, I’ll be around.”

When I see a hint of a smile, I feel like maybe I’ve finally made a nick in her exterior.

When I pull into my mom’s driveway, I see my family’s cars littering the street. I’m the last one to get here, and when I walk in, the noise confirms it. I make my way through the foyer to the back of the house, and the scene looks the same as always. The guys are drinking beer and watching football while the kids run around and play. The girls are all in the kitchen with the babies, laughing and gossiping.

“Sweetheart!” my mom squeals when she notices me walking into the kitchen. She gives me a big hug, and I wrap my arms around her. I feel like a lot has changed since I last saw her, so I take the embrace I feel like I’ve been missing for these past few months.

We exchange our ‘I love you’s’ and ‘I’ve missed you’s’ before I say hi to everyone else. The kids are running wild, excited to see me, as I hand Tori the keys to my jeep so she can go bring in the bags of gifts that I always have every time I see the kids. I love spoiling them, but it’s also my method of distracting them, and giving them new shit to play with keeps them occupied and out of their parents’ hair for a while.

When Tori walks back in, arms full of gifts, she mouths ‘thank you,’ desperate for the reprieve. I laugh and follow her into the living room where all the kids are. I sit on the floor with them as they rip through the paper, finding puzzles, toy cars, dolls, and a small bubble machine that is sure to keep these kids entertained by the hour.

“And where did you plan on the kids playing with that?” my mother gently nags, in only the way a mom can do.

“In the playroom upstairs.”

“Can I send you the bill for the carpet cleaning?”

Rolling my eyes at her, I say, “It’s bubble solution, Mom, not a turd.”

“What’s a turd, Uncle Ryan?” Madison, my three-year-old niece, asks.

Smiling at her, I say, “It’s poo poo.”

“Ewwww!” she squeals through her fit of laughter, and her mom, Katie, scolds me with a simple, “Ryan!”

I love getting a rise out of my cousins when it comes to their kids. I swear they can take the most harmless thing and make a big issue about it.

“Katie, they know what poop is. Relax.”

“Connor, you’re a turd head,” we overhear Madison say, and then I get the look from Katie as I start laughing.

“Hey, Tor. Can you grab me a beer?” I holler over to her while I sit next to her husband, Trevor.

“All these men are helpless,” I hear her tell my aunts.

My mother gathers the older kids and takes them up to the playroom, and when Tori hands me my beer, she sits on the floor between her husband’s legs.

After taking a long swig, Trevor asks, “So, man, how’s life in Seattle?”

“Good. Can’t really complain.”

“I need to get some free time to get up there and run around with you for a few days,” he tells me.

“You should. I haven’t been going out as much as I used to though.”

“Oh yeah?” he questions before Tori butts in and adds, “Why’s that? You seeing someone?”

Shit. This girl sees right through me, so I quickly defend, not wanting to reveal my personal shit to anyone, “What? No. Just been busy and haven’t had much time.”

Narrowing her eyes at me, she says, “You lie. You told me last week that the new manager is freeing up your time and you haven’t been going into the office as much.”

“Dude, who is she?” Trevor pipes in with a nudge to my arm.

“Who’s who?” my mother says as she walks down the stairs.

God, my family is nosey as hell.

“Nothing, Mom. They’re just giving me crap.”

My mom walks into the kitchen to join her sisters.

“Seriously, Ryan,” Tori pries.

Looking down at her, I say, “Seriously,” in an attempt to clip her curiosity.

“Don’t listen to her,” Ethan, Katie’s husband, tells me. “Enjoy the freedom.”

I give him a nod and take another sip of my beer, while Tori teases him, “That’s nice, Ethan. Does my sister know that you miss your freedom?”

“Every. Single. Day,” he jokes right back with her, and the three of them start laughing.

“I can’t lie, I miss it too,” Tori admits through her chuckles.

I listen to them while they complain, wishing I knew what it felt like to have what they do. Someone to share their bed with, kids, a family to make a home with. I’ve been alone my whole life. I feel like I don’t have a choice. I see what my cousins have, and it seems happy. But what I had, what I know, is a stark difference. It was pure chaos and dysfunction. Misery. I fear I’ll wind up just like my dad. I don’t know what it takes to be functional with anyone. I was never exposed to what a healthy relationship looks like. But when I think about where I’d like to wind up in life, it isn’t alone.