Jennifer Crusie - Faking It

“Clea-”

“Good-bye forever, Ronald,” Clea said and hung up in the middle of his pleading, hearing the crack of desperation that meant she had him.

Now all she had to do was wait for Ronald to push Davy under a bus or deport him or something. Ronald loved her, he’d do it. Not a problem. As long as Davy wasn’t already in the house. He couldn’t be in the house already, could he? She should have asked Ronald for more details.

Clea took one more look in the dining room and went upstairs to her bedroom to make sure Davy wasn’t ripping her off. That’s the kind of world it was: a woman had to do damn near everything for herself.

OKAY, OKAY, Tilda thought as she stood as still as she possibly could. There’s a way out of this. I just have to slow down and think She drew in a deep breath. Oxygen was important, especially if you were asthmatic. Lack of it made you unconscious and vulnerable. She breathed in again, and the kissing bandit beside her put his arm around her.

That was sweet. He must think she was a complete idiot. Or a complete slut. She’d kissed him. She’d sunk into the dark anonymity of the closet and thought, Oh, thank God, he’s going to help me, and kissed him back. She was an idiot slut. Of course, he was a thief, so it wasn’t as though he was in a position of superiority there. I have to get out more, she thought. Six months of celibacy and she was swapping tongues with burglars in the middle of felonies.

Outside, Clea Lewis slammed a drawer shut, and Tilda froze. The bandit pressed her shoulder, and she tried not to feel comforted. He was a crook, for heaven’s sake, which strangely enough did not lessen his appeal. Goodnight blood, Tilda thought. Like calling to like.

He shoved at her gently and she realized he was trying to get her to move down into the other part of the closet, away from the first set of doors.

Right. She stepped sideways, and he eased down the wall with her, his hand now warm on her back as the closet door opened.

She heard Clea shove the clothes aside where they’d been standing, and her entire life passed before her eyes: faked paintings and forged murals interspersed with glimpses of family. She moved her head a fraction of an inch toward the man standing between her and ruin, just enough that her forehead touched his shoulder in the dark. She was always the one who rescued, but tonight, he could do it. He was as bad as she was, probably worse, he needed the good karma points, he could get them out.

Clea stopped pawing through her clothes and shut the closet door, and Tilda inhaled in shuddery relief, smelled soap and cotton, and tried not to shake. When she heard the door close outside, he said, “Here,” and opened the closet door. But it’s so safe in here, she thought, and followed him out.

“Well,” she whispered when they were out in Clea’s bedroom again, “I really apprec-”

“Fuck,” he said, and she followed his eyes to the desk. The laptop was gone. “Sorry,” he said to her, keeping his voice low this time.

“Are you kidding?” Tilda said. “I’ve been wanting to scream that for the past eight hours.” She drew a deep breath. He was wearing her black baseball cap, the one she’d borrowed from Andrew, the one embroidered with bitch on the front in white. That was okay, he could have it to remember her by. “Well, it’s been great, but-”

“There’s a diner three blocks east of here,” he said. “I’ll meet you there.”

“What?” Tilda whispered. “Why? Listen, if this is about the kiss, I apologize, I-”

“The painting,” he whispered back, trying to push her toward the door.

“You know,” Tilda said, resisting the push, “I was wrong. This is not your problem. I’ll-”

He leaned closer, large in the dim light, and she stopped. “Vilma, I don’t know what you do for a living, but it’s not theft. Go wait in the diner.”

“No, really.”

“You want to stay and search the place?”

The darkness closed in around her, and she felt her lungs start to tighten. She was such a geek. “No.”

“Then go away.” He steered her toward the door. “And if you get caught? You never met me.”

“I wish,” Tilda said, and slipped out the door, feeling like a fool and a failure.

❖ ❖ ❖

WHEN GWEN got back to the gallery, she went straight to the cabinet above the counter and pulled out the vodka bottle. It was empty.

“Damn,” she said and dropped it in the trash, prepared to savage whoever had finished it. It wouldn’t be Andrew or Jeff; they kept their booze in their apartment. Eve wouldn’t have finished off the bottle. And Nadine knew better.

Must have been me, Gwen thought. Good, just what I always wanted to be, a middle-aged amnesiac drunk. She looked for something soothing on the jukebox and settled for “Do You Know the Way to San Jose?” Dionne was always good. San Jose would be good, too. Anywhere but here.

She sank down on the leather couch and tried not to think about Tilda trapped in that damn house. She needed a vacation, although it was going to be a while before she could leave. A year before Eve finished her teaching degree. Three years before Nadine went to college.

Andrew came in holding a glass, Spot on his heels.

Twelve years before the dog died.

“There you are,” Andrew said, putting the glass on the counter.

It had about half an inch of clear liquid in it, and Gwen said, “Is that vodka?”

Andrew smiled at her and said, “Yep,” missing the hint. He looked like one of those blond movie hunks from the sixties, although that may have been due to the eye makeup. “Nadine says Tilda’s back and she brought this.” He gestured to Spot, who gave a shuddery little whine and collapsed on the carpet. “Did she leave again?” He opened up the below-counter refrigerator and took out a carton of orange-pineapple juice. “Oh, and the bank called.”

Twenty-six years before the mortgages were paid off. That meant she’d be seventy-nine, probably not in the mood to leave anymore. It also meant she was going to need about three hundred Double-Crostic books to pass the time before death. There probably weren’t that many. Well, she was not going to descend to word searches no matter how bad it got. She had standards, damn it.

“Gwennie?” Andrew said, pouring juice into his glass.

“You still have mascara on.”

Andrew nodded. “Work was hell. Eve decided to leave the Double Take while she was still Louise, and I had to pry her off a guy on the way out. Louise has no taste in men.”

“No, she just doesn’t have your taste in men,” Gwen said.

Andrew sat down beside Gwen on the couch. “God, it’s good to be home. Hey, Nadine told me she sold a painting for a thousand dollars. Some kid we raised, huh? She sells about six hundred more, Eve can stop being Louise four nights a week and you’ll be safe here forever.”

“Eve likes being Louise,” Gwen said. “And it was a Scarlet. Tilda’s at Mason Phipps’s house, stealing it back now.”

“Oh, crap, Gwennie.” Andrew looked exasperated. “I thought Louise was our major problem.”

“Louise is not a problem,” Gwen said. “And if you’re not going to drink that screwdriver, give it to me. I’ve had a terrible night and it’s getting worse. Tilda’s still in that house, and for all I know, they’ve caught her. And it’s going to be hard to explain why she’s there without pulling this whole life down around us.” She looked around the ancient office. “I’d be okay with that if it didn’t mean I’d go to jail.”

Andrew handed over the screwdriver.

“You’re a good boy, Andrew,” Gwen said. “Now go get the bottle.”

TILDA SAT in the diner, drumming her fingers on the table next to her coffee cup until the guy in the booth next to her asked her to stop. She turned her head to look at the clock on the back wall. It had been over an hour. Maybe Clea Lewis had caught him. Maybe he was telling her that a woman had tried to steal the painting. Maybe he had given the police her baseball cap. Maybe-

“Hello, Vilma,” he said, sliding into the booth across from her. “Miss me?”

TILDA PULLED HER FOOT from under the duffel bag he dropped under the table. “Do I know you?”

“Yep.” He settled into the booth. “You stuck your tongue down my throat about an hour ago. Did I thank you for that?”

She squinted at him through her glasses. At first glance, he was average looking, a mild-mannered, dark-haired, Clark Kent kind of guy with horn-rimmed glasses in a beat-up nothing-colored jacket; the only notable thing about him was Andrew’s “Bitch” baseball cap that he’d swiped from her back at Clea’s.

On second glance, the glint in his eye and the set of his jaw made her twitch.

“Did you want this?” he said and she felt something bump her leg under the table.

When she reached down, she felt paper wrapping and under that, the edge of a painting, and the relief that rolled over her was so intense that she closed her eyes. “Thank you. I forgive you for everything.”

“Everything what?” he said. “Saving your butt?”

“For mugging me in a closet.” One corner of the paper was torn back, and Tilda could see the stars in the checkerboard sky beneath it. Definitely her stars. Thank you, thank you.

“You jumped me,” he was saying. “I was there first. Technically, it was my closet, Vilma.”

“Who’s Vilma?” Tilda said, her interest in his glint diminishing.

“Nobody watches the late movies anymore. I blame cable.”