Jennifer Crusie - Faking It

“I want him to like me,” Dillie said.

“He probably does, you’re a likable kid. That’s too fuzzy a goal. Figure out specifically what you want. And in the meantime, practice it on people until it works. Just not on any people named Dempsey.”

“Jamie Barclay,” Dillie said.

“Good,” Davy said. “But don’t ever push it. If it’s not working, drop it and find another way in on another day. And do not tell Jamie Barclay. This is for Dempseys only.”

“Right,” Dillie said. “I love you, Davy.”

“I love you, too, Dill,” Davy said. “If the practice swing turns out to be a loser, I’ll come beat him up for you. Now let me talk to your mom.”

“She’s not here,” Dillie said. “She’s at a meeting.”

“Okay, tell her I said hi. Tell her I’m all right and I’ll call next week.”

“She’ll be mad she wasn’t here,” Dillie said. “You better give me your number. And not your cell phone. You always turn it off and that makes her mad. What’s the number where you’re staying?”

“I don’t think so,” Davy said, imagining Sophie talking to Tilda. “Tell her I wouldn’t give it to you.”

Dillie was quiet for a minute, and then she said, “Yeah, that’ll get me off the hook. I can see Mom saying, ‘No problem, I’ll just trust him because he’s never bed to me.’”

Davy grinned into the phone. “Very funny. Tell her I’ll be down to visit soon.”

“You’re coming to visit?”

“Yep,” Davy said.

“Good,” Dillie said. “Then you can teach me more of this neat stuff. I never learn stuff like this in school.”

“I can well believe it.”

“It’s too bad I can’t tell anybody, but I won’t because I know you’re right. You’re always right.”

Davy looked at the phone and laughed.

“What?” Dillie said innocently.

“I told you, never push it,” Davy said. “But that wasn’t bad. You hit four before I caught on.”

“It was easy,” Dillie said smugly. “I almost had your phone number.”

“Not even close, Dill. It’s not horseshoes. If you don’t get all five, you get nothing. You pushed it too hard and you didn’t think about your mark. I’m always right? Come on.”

“Oh,” Dillie said. “I should have stuck with how cool you are.”

“Ouch,” Davy said.

“This really is neat,” Dillie said. “But I think I’m going to make mistakes. I mean, I’ll know if I screwed up, but I’ll need you to tell me what I did wrong like you did just now.”

“Dill?”

“Yes, Uncle Davy.”

“I told you, stop trying when the mark gets suspicious. I’m not giving you my phone number so you can call me for advice. And I changed my mind. Do not tell your mother I called. We did not talk. Wipe this from your mind.”

“Wipe what?” Dillie said and hung up.

“Well, that was illuminating,” Tilda said, and Davy clutched the phone and turned to see her lounging in his doorway. “Who were you talking to?”

“My niece,” Davy said, turning off the phone. “It’s rude to eavesdrop.”

“How old is this kid?” Tilda said.

“Twelve,” Davy said.

“And what exactly is it you do for a living?”

“Sales,” Davy said. “So how was the basement?”

Her smile vanished and she straightened, tense again. “Mason and Clea just pulled up. Could you get a move on?” She looked impatiently down the stairs. “I want to get this over with. And you out of here.”

He put his phone in his jacket pocket and folded his arms, watching her. She still looked like a bug. He had an old-fashioned urge to rip her glasses off and say, “Why, Miss Goodnight, you’re lovely,” but she’d probably dislocate something of his and take the glasses back before he could finish the sentence.

“Wow what are you doing?” she said.

Also, she wouldn’t be lovely. That was sister Eve. This one was… He tilted his head at her, trying to think of the right word.

“Could you please-”

“Betty,” he said, cutting her off. “I have stolen one painting for you and I am about to help you steal another, even though I don’t need to, even though I have fish of my own to fry. So I’m waiting for you to ease back on the hostility. It’s annoying and, frankly, boring.” He watched her take a deep breath, the furrow in her forehead disappearing. He still couldn’t think of a word to describe her, but she was definitely fun to watch.

She nodded. “You’re right.” She came in to sit on the bed beside him, making him bounce a little as the mattress sank down. “This is making me crazy. I hate relying on other people to save me, I hate being clingy, I hate it, and every time you show up, I lean on you.”

“ ‘Clingy’ is not the first word that comes to mind when I think of you,” Davy said.

“So I’m taking it out on you. You don’t deserve that. I apologize.” She looked at him. “Really. I’m sorry.”

Davy nodded, taken aback by her honesty, not to mention her proximity. “Accepted.”

“And I hate stealing stuff,” she said miserably.

“Well,” Davy said. “ ‘I’ve always believed that if done properly, armed robbery doesn’t have to be an unpleasant experience.’” She looked at him as if he were insane, and he added, “It’s a movie quote. Thelma and Louise”

“A movie quote.”

“It’s a family hobby.”

She looked almost sweet sitting there beside him, her eyes wide behind her bug glasses, her dark curls all tumbled and soft, and then she said, “It’s so odd to think of you having family.”

“What did you think?” Davy said, annoyed. “That I was raised in a petri dish?”

“No, no, I didn’t mean that,” Tilda said hastily. “I meant that you seem like such a loner. Kind of a Liberty Valance thing.”

“Thank you,” Davy said. “I’ve always wanted to be a vicious killer.”

Tilda looked genuinely puzzled. “What vicious killer?”

“ Liberty Valance. Lee Marvin.”

“No, I meant Gene Pitney.”

Davy frowned at her. “Who’s Gene Pitney?”

“The guy who sings ‘The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance.’” They stared at each other in incomprehension until she said, “Never mind, I take it all back. Can we go?”

“So you’re thinking of me more as John Wayne than Lee Marvin.” Davy shrugged. “Okay.” He stood up and gestured to the door. “Want to go steal stuff, Thelma? Or would you rather be Louise?”

She looked up, startled. “I don’t know who I want to be,” she said, and went past him out the door.

“That makes two of us,” he said, catching the faint scent of cinnamon as she passed. “I don’t know who I want you to be, either.”

“I CAN’T BELIEVE we broke a window,” Tilda said half an hour later, trying not to panic as Davy closed Clea’s bedroom door behind them. “Even if it was a basement window. That’s vandalism.”

“I broke the window,” Davy said. “I climbed inside. I let you in. And yet, so far, no thank you.”

“Thank you,” Tilda said. “Oh, God.”

“You’re not good at this, Betty,” Davy said. “Go look in the closet. If the painting’s not there, you’ll have to go upstairs.”

He went to Clea’s bureau and began to go through her drawers, and Tilda opened the closet doors again. “Bleah, this perfume.”

“Obsession,” Davy said, opening the next drawer.

“You can tell from over there?”

“No, that’s what she wears.” Davy lifted up a pile of something silky and expensive.

“Known her long?” Tilda said, feeling annoyed.

“Yep. Find a painting yet?”

Tilda took a deep breath and pressed into the closet. The damn thing was huge, and she moved to the back, trying to avoid Clea’s shoes, feeling around for an eighteen-inch-square piece of evidence that she’d been a forger. She heard Davy push the clothes back, and she said, “I need a light,” just as he closed the doors.

“Hey,” she said, turning and he put his hand over her mouth.

“Shut up, Betty,” he whispered in her ear. “There’s somebody in the hall.”

Tilda froze as she heard Clea’s bedroom door open. Great, she thought. They’d asked Gwennie to do one little thing, and-

Davy took his hand off her mouth, and she sucked in air, staving off panic, which would lead to asthma. He moved his hand to the small of her back and patted her there, the way she patted Steve to calm him down, and Tilda pressed closer to him, trying not to wheeze, her heart pounding.

Outside, a drawer slammed shut with a bang, and Tilda jerked and clutched Davy’s shirt. He patted a little faster, and she thought, As long as I’m in here, I’m safe, nobody knows I’m here, nobody but him, and she put her arms around him, grateful he was there. He stopped patting, and they stood like that for eons while Tilda grew warmer and whoever was outside rustled and shuffled. She felt Davy’s fingers slide against the small of her back, felt his palm go flat there, not pressing, just flat and hot there, and something kicked up low in her solar plexus and spread, waiting for him to pull her close. When he didn’t, she lifted her face through the darkness, and when he bent closer, her breathing went ragged, and when his mouth brushed hers, her body stuttered and when she closed that last inch between them, his arms tightened around her, and she kissed him in a closet again.

He was a damn good kisser, and Tilda felt breathless as she leaned into him, good breathless as she pressed him against the back wall of the closet and sank into all that good heat. I don’t do this enough, she thought as she came up for air, and then she went back for more, unleashing her inner Louise, or at least her inner Vilma.

Then the closet door opened and somebody pawed through Clea’s shoes and grabbed her ankle, and she kicked back hard on panicked reflex, and connected with something hollow and something heavy hit the floor.