“Lucky guy.” He smiled. “Merry Christmas.” And waved them on.

“Sale boche,” Jean-Yves said as he drove off, and then he looked at her. “I wish it were true.” She wasn't paying attention, she was thinking of the sick boy and hoped he would recover. He had been hidden in a hand-dug tunnel for three months, and had a fierce case of bronchitis as a result. He was lucky to be alive.

“What?”

“I said I wish it were true that you're my girlfriend.”

“No, you don't.” She looked startled. “Don't be silly.” She sounded like a mother as she spoke, and he grinned and looked like a kid, instead of a man who was risking his life for France constantly.

“Yes, I do. And it's not silly. What's silly is you locking yourself up in a convent for the rest of your life. Now that's silly.”

“No, it's not. It's the life I want.”

“Why? What are you afraid of? What are you hiding from? What's so terrible out here?” He was almost shouting at her, but he had been in love with her for months, and he was frustrated by the way things were. They sounded like two children arguing as they drove along on the way home.

“I'm not hiding from anything. I believe in what I'm doing. I love the convent, and being a nun.” She was almost pouting as she crossed her arms, as though slipping them into her habit. She still missed it and felt naked without it.

“I watched you with those children tonight, especially the sick boy. You need to have babies. That's what women were made for. You can't deny yourself that.”

“Yes, I can. I have other things.”

“Like what? You have nothing in there except sacrifice and loneliness and prayers.”

“I was never lonely in the convent, Jean-Yves,” she said quietly, and then sighed. “Sometimes I am much lonelier out here.” It was true. She missed convent life and her sisters there. The Mother Superior. And her mother and Daphne. She missed a lot of things. But she was grateful to be here.

“I'm lonely too,” he said sadly, as he looked at her. He saw then that there were tears on her cheeks. “Ma pauvre petite,” he said, and pulled over. “I'm sorry. I didn't mean to shout at you.”

“It's all right.” Suddenly she was crying, and he was holding her. She couldn't stop sobbing. It was worse somehow because of Christmas. It had been the year before too. “I miss them so much…I can't believe they're gone…my sister was so beautiful… and my poor mother wanted to do everything for us. She never thought of herself…I always think of what must have happened to them…I know I'll never see them again…oh Jean-Yves…” She sobbed in his arms for a long time as he held her. It was the first time she had allowed herself to let go. She never let herself think of what must have happened to them. She had heard horror stories of Ravensbrück. It was unthinkable that they were gone forever, but in her heart she knew they were.

“I know…I know…I think those things too…I miss my brothers… We've all lost people we love by now. There's no one left who hasn't lost someone.” And then without thinking, he kissed her and she kissed him back. All those months of standing back and respecting the vows she had taken, the life she said she wanted, the convent she wanted to flee to. He didn't want her to. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, have babies with her, and take care of her. All they had left now was each other. Everyone else they had ever loved was gone. Both of them. They were like two survivors alone in a lifeboat adrift in a stormy sea, and suddenly they were clinging to each other.

Amadea had no idea what was happening to her, but she was overwhelmed by such waves of desperation and passion, beyond reason, that they couldn't stop kissing and holding on to each other. And before either of them could stop it or control it or even think about it, he was making love to her in the truck, and it was all she wanted. It was as though she had instantly become someone else, someone other than the woman she had been for all these years. Wars did strange things and transformed people. Just as it had her. All her vows were forgotten, her sisters there, the convent, even her love for God. All she wanted and needed at that exact moment was Jean-Yves, and he needed her just as badly. They had both been through too much, lost too much, had been brave too many times for too many people, survived too many terrors while putting on a brave face. All their walls had come tumbling down that night, and he held her afterward, sobbing into her long blond hair and holding her, and all she wanted to do was comfort him. He was the child she had never had and never would, the only man she had ever wanted or loved. She had reproached herself for it a hundred times as she prayed in her room, and now all she wanted was to be his. They looked at each other like two lost children afterward, and he looked at her, terrified.

“Do you hate me?” He hadn't taken her by force, she had wanted him, and welcomed him. They had wanted each other, and needed each other more than they ever knew. They had simply been through too much, and whether or not they acknowledged it, the toll it had taken on both of them was huge.

“No. I could never hate you. I love you, Jean-Yves,” she said quietly. In some part of her, she understood what they'd been through, and forgave them both.

“I love you too. Oh God, how I love you. What are we going to do?” He knew how strongly she felt about her vocation, but it seemed wrong to him, it always had. She was too beautiful and loving a woman to hide in a convent for the rest of her life. But it was the life she'd said she wanted since they met.

“Do we have to decide that right now? I'm not sure if I've committed a terrible sin, or if this is what was meant to be. Maybe this is what God has in mind for me. Let's just see what happens, and pray about it for a while,” she said sensibly as he held her close to him. She had no idea where God would lead her, but she knew she had to explore this new path for now. It felt oddly right to her.

“If anything ever happens to you, Amélie, I'll die.”

“No, you won't. I'll just wait for you in Heaven, and we'll have a wonderful time when you arrive.” There were tears in her eyes, but she was so happy with him. She had never been as happy in her life. It was different than her love for the convent, but there was a definite sense of joy to this new life that she loved. For the first time in her life, she felt frivolous and young. For once, life didn't seem quite so serious, the tragedies all around them not quite as acute. This was what they both needed to counter the realities of their lives, at least for now.

“God, how I love you,” he said with a broad grin, as they sorted themselves out, suddenly giggling like schoolchildren, and he started the truck up again. He wanted to ask her to marry him, but he didn't want to ask for too much too soon. She had made a big step that night. And maybe she was right, if it was meant to be, the rest would come. All in good time. They didn't have to decide everything in one night. If he had anything to say about it, she was going to be his wife, and the mother of his children. He just hoped that God agreed, and that Amadea would be willing to give up her dreams of returning to the convent now. But it was way too soon. She was still stunned by what they'd done, and so was he.

They talked quietly on the way home, and he kissed her and held her before she got out. “I love you. Don't forget that. Tonight was just the beginning. It wasn't a mistake,” he said earnestly, “or a sin. I'll start going to church again regularly,” he promised, and she smiled. He hadn't been since his brothers died. He was still too upset at God.

“Maybe that's why He sent me to you, to get you back to church.” Whatever the reason, she looked as happy as he did, in spite of the shock of what they'd just done. Much to her own amazement, she didn't feel wrong about it, she felt happy, and in love. She knew too that it would take a long time to sort this out. It was one of the aftershocks of war.

As she lay in her bed that night, thinking of him, much to her own amazement, she didn't have a crisis of conscience, or even regret it. Oddly enough, it seemed right to her. She wondered if this was what God had in mind for her after all. She was still thinking about it when she drifted off to sleep. And when she woke up the next morning, he had dropped flowers off to her on his way to work. He had come by his un-cle's farm and left a tiny bouquet of winter flowers outside the barn with a note, “I love you. J-Y.” She tucked the note in her pocket with a smile, and went in to milk the cows that were waiting for her. She felt like a woman for the first time in her life. It was an unfamiliar sensation to her in every way. She was suddenly experiencing all she had denied herself, and had planned to deny forever. Her life had turned around entirely, and it was impossible to know which path was right, the enticing one she had just embarked on with Jean-Yves, or the one that had meant so much to her for so many years before. All she knew, and could hope, was that in time the answers would come, and the mystery would unfold.

20

FOR THE REST OF THE WINTER, AMADEA CONTINUED RUNNING missions with him. Supplies and men were steadily being parachuted in by the British. They waited for a British officer to parachute in one night, and after they helped him bury his parachute and sent him on his way in an SS uniform, Jean-Yves asked Amadea if she had heard of him. His name was Lord Rupert Montgomery, and he was one of the men who had helped start the Kindertransport that got ten thousand children out of Europe before the war started.

“I asked my mother to put my sister on it,” Amadea said sadly as they drove home. “She never thought we'd have a problem, and she was afraid of what would happen to her if she went. She was thirteen then, and was deported when she was sixteen. He did a wonderful thing for many children.”