“Rylee, don’t be ridiculous.“

“Ridiculous?” I sputter. “No, ridiculous is me thinking for a second that I could do this, Colton.” I shrug my shoulders in sadness and resignation. “I walked into this—whatever we have here—telling myself that all you want is a quick fuck from me.” I turn back to him as I speak and see him wince at my words. “Maybe a little fling … and I thought I could give that to you. Take that from you. But now that you’re actually offering it to me, I don’t think I can.” Another wayward tear falls over the edge, and I note that his eyes follow it slowly sliding down my cheek before bringing his eyes back up to mine.

“What do you mean, Rylee?” His mask slips momentarily, and I can see the vulnerability and panic flutter over his face. “Why not?”

A small part of me relishes the idea that my threat can make him panic but staying is not going to fix things. I press my fingers to my eyes. I’m sure I look like hell right now, hair frizzed, eyeliner smudged, lipstick gone, but I really don’t care. My insides are ten times more devastated than what my outside looks like. “When I tell myself in my head, that this is all I am to you—sex without feelings or the possibility of a future—it’s one thing.”

Without thinking I give into my addiction. I can’t resist. I reach out and brush my fingers over his cheek. He starts to turn his cheek into my hand and catches himself before he does. I let my hand fall at his subtle rejection. “But when I hear the words from your lips. When I hear you tell my your rules and regulations, it’s a whole different thing.” I close my eyes momentarily, trying to stop the small tremor in my voice. “I will not be inconsequential, Colton. To you or anyone else.”

Colton runs a hand through his hair and scrubs his hands over his eyes. “That’s not what you are to me, Rylee,” he breathes raising his eyes to me.

I stare at him. I want to believe him. I really do. But I can’t sell myself short. I deserve more than this. I want more than what he’s offering. “That may be true, Colton, but that admission, it’s not enough for me.” It breaks my heart to say these words to him.

“Rylee, just try it,” he urges. “Try it my way.”

“Oh save it, Colton!” I bite at him, throwing my hands up in the air. “I’m not one of your little floozies who’s going to do whatever you say just because you say to. I’m sure you have those lining up waiting to be your plaything. Catch one of them and toss her back when your tired of her. Not me, Ace. I don’t work that way.” My anger has resurfaced despite my exhaustion and aching heart.

Colton just stares at me. We stand within a foot of each other, eyes locked, and yet I feel so far away from him. It’s hard to believe it’s been less than an hour since we were ensconced within each other’s worlds.

“Rylee.” My name is a soft plea from his lips.

“What, Colton?” I snap at him, immediately wincing at my tone.

“That first night …” he begins softly and then stops turning from me and walking toward the kitchen.

“What about it, Colton?” I follow him partway, leaning against the back of his couch. “I should have seen it then. You sleeping with me and then humiliating me by jumping out of bed like I’d burned you.”

“You did, Rylee.”

“What? What in the hell are you talking about?”

“That first night,” he continues, ignoring my comment. “After the second time,” he says blowing out a loud breath. He continues to look at his bare feet, his hips resting against the counter, hands shoved in his pockets, and discomfort rolling off him in waves. “I kissed you and asked you if you were all right.” I nod my head acknowledging him. Remembering the raw honesty in that simple moment between us. “I swear to God, Rylee … I felt like you saw me. Really saw me.” He raises his eyes to meet mine and they’re swimming with emotion. “And you were sitting there, your dark hair falling all around you with that white sheet pooled around your waist …” he shakes his head before continuing, “your lips were swollen, your eyes were so wide and trusting … and I realized in that second that it meant more to me,” his voice is hoarse with emotion, “that you meant more to me, Rylee, than anything I can remember. Ever.”

I stare at him, so many things running through my head, but more than anything, his words resonate into every dark part of me that craves to be wanted, needed, and desired. At least I know why he reacted how he did. Why he showed up this morning. Hope starts to soar in me. Maybe I can do this. Maybe with time, I can prove to him that there can be more. I wring my hands to try and stifle my sudden enthusiasm.

“You scared the shit out of me, Rylee. You burned me.” He runs his hand through his hair, his eyes darkening, “And then I realized, as I do right now, that in the end I’m going to break you apart.”

“What?” I snap my head up to meet his eyes, my hopes crashing down around me. Did I just hear him correctly?

“I can’t do that to you, Rylee.” I see his fists clench as he fights his emotions. “I tried to warn you, but I’m so frickin’ drawn to you. I just can’t stay away.”

I feel schizophrenic trying to keep up with the ebb and flow of his moods. “You tell me you can’t do this, that you’ll destroy me, but then you tell me you can’t stay away even though you are the one warning me. You push me away then show up at my doorstep and give me tonight.” I walk toward him in the kitchen until I stand right in front of him. “Which way is up, Colton?”

Without a word, he grabs me and pulls me against his chest, wraps his arms tightly around me, and buries his nose in my hair. I press my hands against his back and absorb the comforting feel of his warmth, surprised at his unexpected show of emotion. His need for me is palpable. It oozes off of him and wraps its way into my soul. It takes everything I have to not tell him yes. Tell him I’ll do anything just to have a piece of him. That is how much he means to me already. But my thoughts are louder than my heart. I wish that I could just quiet my head and sink into the reassuring feeling of his arms around me. Block out everything else.

“I’m going to hurt you, Rylee. And you already mean too much to me to do that to you.” I stiffen at his hushed words breathed into the crown of my head. And despite his words, he holds me tighter. I try to push away from him but the steel hold of his arms will not release me. I relent eventually and lay my face against his chest, inhale the smell of us mingled there, feel the coarseness of the smattering of hair on his chest, and hear the strong, steady beat of his heart. “It’s a first for me to care enough about someone to stop beforehand. To acknowledge it. Regardless, knowing it ahead of time isn’t going to stop me from doing it. And I just can’t do that to you, Rylee.” His chest heaves a long breath. “And that’s why I can’t do this anymore with you. Why we can’t …”

“But why, Colton? Why can’t you? Why can’t we?” I’m panicked now, despite his arms tight around me. Now that I want him, he’s telling me no. Or maybe that’s exactly why. I’m grasping at straws now.

“Look, let’s not get this confused here. I’m not and never have been the boy you bring home to mom, Ry. I’m the one you throw in her face to piss her off and show her you are asserting your independence. Let’s not make me out to be better than I am.”

I’m still not buying it. Why does he think so horribly of himself? He can give me this crappy answer ad nauseam and I still won’t believe it. “Who did this to you?”

We’re quiet for a few moments as he mulls over my questions. Eventually he sighs, “I told you, Rylee, I’ve got a 747 of baggage.”

I push against his chest, resisting his hold. I need to see his eyes. Need to look into them. When I do I can see the emotion swarming in them. He’s hurting too. But he’s also shutting down. Putting me at arm’s distance emotionally so that it prevents further hurt in him. But what about me? I want to scream at him. What about my hurt? Why does this have to be so complicated? Why can’t I just let it be and enjoy the ride? Hope that he’ll see the real me and fall in love with time? Because I know that if he doesn’t face whatever trauma has made him this way, he’ll never get over it. He’ll never be able to have a normal relationship. He’s right. His 747 of baggage is going to ruin whatever chance we may have. “I’m not buying it, Colton.”

With my words, he removes his hands from my arms, now physically distancing himself from me. “I can’t give you any more, Rylee.” He looks down and then looks back up, the mask effectively in place. “This is who I am.”

Tears pool in my eyes, my voice a whisper. “And this is who I am, Colton.” It’s when I speak those words that I know. I have already started to fall for him. Warts and all. Somehow, someway, despite the short amount of time I’ve spent with him, he has penetrated that protective wall around my heart, and I’ve started the slow descent toward love. And that’s why I know I can’t do this. I can’t walk knowingly into heartbreak. I’ve been devastated once. I don’t think I can survive another one. And I know without a doubt that loving Colton and not getting love in return would devastate me.

“I guess we’re at an impasse.” His voice is gruff and he stuffs his hands in his pockets. The weight of his hands causes his jeans to hang lower on his hips. I have to physically stop myself from looking at the sexy inverted triangle of muscles that peeks over the waistband. I don’t need a reminder of what I’ll no longer have.

“Then I guess it’s time for you to take me home.” I avert my eyes, unable to meet his as I choke the words out.