The flight back to New York was rough, but the children didn't even seem to notice, and they got home at eight o'clock that night. Aggie was waiting for them, and offered to cook them dinner. They told Aggie all about Boston then, and what their mom had done, what she had said, what she thought, and about everything that she was doing. And finally, halfway through the meal, Ollie couldn't stand it anymore. He stood up and threw his napkin down as the children stared at him in amazement.

“I'm sick and tired of hearing about all that! I'm glad you had a great time, but dammit, can't you talk about anything else?” They looked crushed and he was suddenly overwhelmed with embarrassment. “I'm sorry … I'm … never mind …” He left them and went upstairs, closing the door to his room, and then sitting there, in the darkness, staring out into the moonlight. But it was so painful listening to them, hearing about her all the time. They had found her again. And he had lost her. There was no turning the clock back now, no getting away from it. She didn't love him anymore, no matter what she said on the phone. It was over. Forever.

He sat there, in the dark, on his bed, for what seemed like a long time, and then he lay down in the darkness and stared up at the ceiling. It was a longer time still before he heard a knock at the door. It was Mel, and she opened the door a crack, but at first she didn't see him. “Dad?” She stepped into the room, and then she saw him there, lying on his bed in the moonlight. “I'm sorry … we didn't mean to upset you … it's just …”

“I know, baby, I know. You have a right to be excited. She's your mom. I just got a little crazy for a minute. Even dads go berserk sometimes.” He sat up and smiled at her and then turned on the light, feeling awkward that she had found him sulking in the darkness. “I just miss her a lot … just like you did….”

“She says she still loves you, Dad.” Mel was suddenly so sad for him and the look in his eyes was just awful.

“That's nice, sweetheart. I love her too. It's just hard to understand sometimes when things change.” … when you lose someone you love so much … when you feel as though your whole life is over … “I'll get used to it.”

Melissa nodded. She had promised her mother she would do everything she could to help, and she was going to. She put Sam to bed that night, with his teddy bear, and told him to leave Daddy alone for a change, and sleep in his own bed.

“Is Dad sick?” She shook her head. “He acted weird tonight.” Sam looked very worried.

“He's just upset, that's all. I think it was hard for him to see Mommy.”

“I thought it was great.” He grinned happily, holding the bear, and Mel smiled at him, feeling a thousand years older.

“So did I. But I think it's harder for them.”

Sam nodded, as though he understood, too, but in truth, he really didn't. And then he asked his sister what he didn't dare to ask either of his parents. “Mel … do you think she'll come back? … I mean, like before … here, to Dad, and everything. …”

His sister hesitated for a long time before answering him, searching her own heart and mind, but like her father, she already knew the answer. “I don't know … but I don't think so.”

Sam nodded again, better able to cope with it now, now that he had been to visit her, and she had promised he could come back in a few weeks. She hadn't said anything about coming back to see them in Purchase. “Do you think Dad's mad at her?”

Mel shook her head. “No. I think he's just sad. That's why he weirded out tonight.”

Sam nodded and lay back on his pillow. “G'night, Mel … I love you.” She bent to kiss him and gently stroked his hair, just as Sarah had in Boston.

“I love you, too, even though you're a brat some- times.” They both laughed and she turned off the light and closed the door, and when she went back to her room, she saw Benjamin climbing out the window, and dropping swiftly to the ground. She watched him, but she made no sound or sign. She just pulled down her shade, and went to lie on her own bed. She had a lot to think about. That night, they all did. They all lay awake for a long time that night, thinking about Sarah. And wherever Benjamin had gone, Mel figured it was his own business. But it was also easy to guess his whereabouts. Despite the restriction still in force, he had gone to Sandra's.





Chapter 10


Daphne walked into Oliver's office the next morning, shortly after ten o'clock, and at first she thought he looked all right. She knew he had taken the children to Boston to see Sarah for the weekend.

“How was it?” But as soon as the words were out of her mouth, she could see the answer in his eyes. He looked as though he'd been hit by lightning.

“Don't ask.”

“I'm sorry.” And she was, for him and the children.

“So am I. Do you have the slides put together yet?” She nodded, and they avoided any further mention of the subject. They worked straight through until four o'clock, and for once he found relief in his work. It was wonderful not to be thinking of Sarah, or even the children.

He got home at nine o'clock that night, and later every night after that. They had a rush presentation to put out for a major client. But for once, the children seemed all right. And three weeks after the first visit, Sarah invited the children back to Boston again, but this time Oliver didn't go with them. Mel went with Sam instead. Benjamin had already made plans to go skiing with friends, and didn't want to change that.

On Friday night when Ollie got home late, the house was quiet and dark, even Aggie had taken a few days off, and had gone to stay with her sister in New Jersey. It was odd being alone without all of them, but in some ways it was a relief too. It had been three months since Sarah left, three months of caring and crying and worrying about them, of being responsible every hour of the day and rushing back and forth between Purchase and his office. Sometimes he had to admit that Daphne was right. It would have been easier to move to New York, but he didn't think any of them were ready for that. Maybe in a year or two … it was odd thinking that far ahead now, without her. His life looked like an empty wasteland.

He had dinner with his father on Saturday night, and on Sunday afternoon, he went to visit his mother. She was a depressing sight, and all she talked about was wanting to go home, to work in her garden. She wasn't fully aware of where she was, but there were moments when she seemed more lucid than others.

“You doing all right, Dad?” he asked him the night they went out.

“More or less.” The older man smiled. “It gets awfully lonely without her.”

Ollie sighed and smiled ruefully at him. “I know what you mean, Dad.” It still seemed ironic that they were both losing their wives at the same time. Ironic and tragic and endlessly painful.

“At least you have the children to keep you company.”

“You should come down and see them more. Sam is dying to see you.”

“Maybe tomorrow afternoon.” But Ollie had explained that they were in Boston with their mother.

They returned in good spirits again this time, but Mel had warned Sam not to talk about it too much with Daddy. And she had particularly told him not to mention Jean-Pierre. He was a friend of their mom's, who had dropped by to meet them on Saturday night, and Mel secretly thought he had a crush on their mother. He was twenty-five years old, and a graduate student from France, and he had made everyone laugh, and told lots of jokes, and made pizza from scratch. Sam thought he was a great guy, but Mel assured him that Daddy wouldn't want to hear it.

“Do you think he's going out with Mom?” Sam was always curious, and he thought he'd seen them kissing once in the kitchen when he went in for a Coke.

But Mel was quick to demolish his theories. “Don't be stupid.”

And they were both excited, because Sarah had promised to take them away for spring vacation. “Where do you think we'll go?” Sam asked.

“I don't know, we'll see.”

In the end, she decided on a week of spring skiing in Massachusetts, and she was taking all of them. Even Benjamin had agreed to go with her. And it was only five days before they left that Oliver got the call at the office. It was Benjamin's school. He had been cutting classes for months, and was close to flunking out, and they wanted Oliver to know he was being put on academic probation.

“Benjamin?” He looked stunned. He had come out of a meeting to take the call, fearing that he'd gotten hurt. “I can't believe that. He's always been on the honor roll.”

“Not anymore, Mr. Watson.” The assistant headmaster had called him himself. “Since January, we've scarcely seen him in class, and this term he has incompletes in almost every subject.”

“Why didn't you tell me before now? Why did you wait this long?” Oliver was shocked and angry, at the boy, at himself, at the school, at Sarah for starting it all. It seemed as though the misery was never-ending.

“We've been sending you notices for three months, and you've never responded.”

“Son of a bitch …” Oliver knew instantly what must have happened. Benjamin must have taken them so Oliver wouldn't know what was going on. “What about his college applications?”

“I just don't know. Well have to notify the schools he's applied to, of course, but he's always been a strong student before this. We realize that there are mitigating factors. Perhaps if he agrees to do summer school … and, of course, it will all depend on his grades from this point on. His last term is going to be very important.”

“I understand.” Oliver closed his eyes, trying to absorb it all. “Is there some other problem in school I should know about?” He sensed that there was more and he was suddenly almost frightened to hear it.