"Yes but we don't hold each other like this in front of other people," the writer pointed out. "They don't see this side of our relationship." "I dunno," Crystal said quietly, her eyes focused on the dark television. "I guess it's just because we live together."
"Must be," Laura said, knowing in her heart that it was not the truth.
"Then again maybe they see something we don't."
Laura's first thought was to deny it, to fight the reality within Crystal's words but her heart refused to let her. Nodding reluctantly, the writer dared to dive into the dangerous waters. "Maybe," she said in a voice so low that at first she was not sure Crystal had even heard her but when the young woman shifted, sitting up to look deep into Laura's eyes, the writer knew her words had carried.
"Laura?"
Laura heard the unspoken questions, the fear and perhaps even anticipation in Crystal's voice. Feeling her own heart pounding within her chest, she brought her right hand up to rest against Crystal's cheek. "Sometimes I see you hurting and all I want to do is hold you in my arms and never let go." Leaning forward slightly, she kept her eyes locked with Crystal's. "Other times you're so self-destructive that I want to just shake some sense into you but I have to hold back and just hope that you'll come to me when you're ready." Laura drew her hand back, the fingertips barely grazing Crystal's lower lip. "But most of all I'm just happy to be part of your life as long as you let me because behind those thorns I'm certain there's a rose just waiting to bloom and be loved." Feeling somewhat confident that she would not be rebuked, Laura closed the remaining distance and felt the softness of Crystal's lips against hers. It was a brief, fleeting kiss but to Laura, it was perfect. "You affect me," she whispered as she pulled back, her lips tingling from the abbreviated contact.
Crystal lowered her head, looking down at her hands. "When I first moved in here, I was sure it wouldn't work out. What the hell does a drunk stripper who didn't even graduate high school have in common with a lesbian writer with a degree?" She looked up at Laura. "Not to mention you're the ultimate neat freak."
"And you're the proverbial Oscar Madison," Laura said softly, answering Crystal's smile with one of her own.
"And I'm a slob," Crystal agreed. "But somehow we managed to work it out." She lowered her head again. "I don't know when it happened. It sure as hell isn't something I'd ever think about with anyone else. At first I thought it was because I hung around with just you and your friends but it doesn't rub off like a contagious disease." She shrugged her shoulders. "I guess I stopped thinking of you as a lesbian and started thinking of you as a friend then as something more than a friend." Tilting her head up, she looked at Laura's mouth, seemingly unable to make eye contact. "You you affect me too."
"So where do we go from here?" Laura asked, using her fingers to lift Crystal's head up.
"I don't know," Crystal admitted wearily. "I feel like I'm on overload with everything that's happened today."
"I bet you are," Laura said, using her arms to pull the younger woman against her. "Relax. It's not something you have to decide right this minute." Unable to resist, she bent her head and placed a soft kiss on the top of the blonde hair. "Nothing has to change. When the time is right, you'll know it."
"Until when?" Crystal asked, her voice muffled against Laura's chest. "What if you get tired of waiting or someone better comes along? What if I can't get over the stuff in my past enough to be able to
" She let the sentence go unfinished.
"You worry too much, you know that?" Laura said in mock exasperation as she hugged the woman in her arms. She understood the unspoken implication and deep inside, the writer's heart burned with renewed anger at the man who had caused so much pain to the younger woman. "I told you, when the time is right, you'll know it. And for the record," she added in a lower voice. "I'm not looking." She felt Crystal's arms tighten around her. "And I'm not going anywhere."
"Anyone tell you you're a sweet talker?" Crystal asked, awkwardly sitting up.
"I spend a great deal of time trying to paint a picture with words," Laura said, reluctantly releasing the embrace as Crystal put some space between them. "I'm just trying to make sure you understand how I feel." Deciding not to push it, Laura changed the subject. "Now, tell me more about Patty and your niece and nephew. I'm sure you know everything about them right down to their hair color." Laura settled back to listen to Crystal talk, though the words failed to sink in as the writer's mind traveled back to replay the evening's revelations what they meant to the future.
The air was cool, enough to make Crystal forego her usual t-shirt and don a sweatshirt to go with her sweatpants before stepping onto the balcony for a late night cigarette. Her thoughts were racing far too much to think of sleep, despite being tired. Wisps of smoke rose in the air while she quietly listened to the faraway hooting of the owl and even more distant sounds of the traffic on the highway. For a brief moment, part of her wanted to be on that highway, driving as far away from the whirlwind of her life as she could. She knew for a certainty now that Laura wanted to be her lover and while it relieved Crystal on one level to know her own interest was returned, it scared her as well. Writing in her journal for two hours after retiring to her room had been of some help, allowing her to organize her thoughts and express some of her fears but it wasn't enough. Flicking ash into the night wind, Crystal sighed and thought about what tomorrow would bring.
"Can't sleep?" Laura asked before opening the sliding door and stepping onto the balcony.
"Just a lot on my mind," Crystal answered. "You know, with seeing Patty Saturday and all." Her lips curled into a small smile. "Not to mention what happened downstairs earlier."
"Do you want to talk about it?" the writer asked, pulling out a chair and sitting down.
Crystal took another drag of her cigarette before answering the question with one of her own. "Do you?"
"I think we should since neither of us is getting any sleep," Laura said.
"You know I really wish I had a drink right now," Crystal said. "Everything is just swirling around in my head and part of me wants to just run from it all." She gave a short, self-deprecating laugh. "Figures when things are going good I'd be looking for a way to screw it all up." She tamped the cigarette out in the ashtray while trying to organize her thoughts. Realizing it was a futile effort, she turned her chair to face Laura and leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees. "I don't know what the hell you see in me," she said, looking down at nothing.
"That's because you're not looking through my eyes," Laura said softly, her fingers reaching out to touch Crystal's arm. "I wish I did," she admitted. "I wish I saw whatever it is you see. Laura? Earlier, when we were on the couch?" Goosebumps rose on her arm and
Crystal knew it had nothing to do with the night wind. "When you when we kissed?" Taking a deep breath, she forced herself to look up and ask the question that had worried her all night. "Did you like it?"
"I did like it," Laura said earnestly. "You couldn't tell?"
"I thought so but, I mean 's not like I'm the first woman you've kissed." She lowered her head again. "I guess I just wasn't sure." She paused. "You didn't say." She felt Laura's hand leave hers and gentle but insistent fingers pushing her chin up.
"Crystal" Laura took a deep breath. "I liked it. Very much so."
Reaching between her legs and gripping thee.g.of the chair, Crystal scooted closer, the material of her sweatpants brushing against Laura's knee. "Can I tell you something?" she asked shyly.
"Anything."
"I
" She stopped, her insecurities taking over for the moment. The words she wanted to say just would not come. Reaching out, she took Laura's hand in hers and was pleased to feel a reassuring squeeze. "I
" she tried again. "Earlier, when I got up and told you I was going to go to bed?"
"Yes?"
"Well" She felt Laura's thumb move over her wrist and before she knew it, her hands were the ones being held. "I was hoping that you'd well you know like a kiss goodnight?"
"I thought about it," Laura admitted, her thumb moving in lazy circles over sensitive palms and doing the most distracting things to Crystal. "I wanted to but after you pulled away I thought that maybe I'd pushed it too much. I didn't want to scare you. I wasn't sure you liked it." "I liked it," Crystal said softly. "It was" She shook her head, unable to describe all that the tender kiss had stirred in her. There was fear certainly, but not the fear of being hurt as of the unknown. Gentle, not demanding or even requesting, just offering a tactile expression of the most amazing of feelings and while almost overwhelming in its intensity, Crystal felt the loss keenly when it ended. "I'm not as good with words as you are, but if" She looked into Laura's eyes, seeing what the night shadows could not hide. "If you wanted to do it again
I'd let you." While not able to take the first step herself, she trusted Laura enough to allow the older woman to do so.
"I'd like to," Laura said softly. "Very much."
Crystal tried to think, to burn into her memory the sensations as Laura leaned forward and closed the remaining space between them but there was no thought once their lips touched, only feeling. It was not just one kiss but many little ones and she did as much searching out with her mouth as Laura. She did not resist when gentle hands pulled her closer, ignoring the harde.g.of Laura's chair against her knee. Nothing mattered to Crystal but the whirlpool she was sinking willingly into. The world narrowed to just herself and Laura, arms wrapped around each other. Needing more, Crystal moved from her chair and pressed her body against Laura, the thin layer of silk allowing her to feel the heat of the skin beneath. Crystal felt desire rising within her, her body longing for more than just an endless series of kisses. When she dared to part her lips and let the tip of her tongue touch Laura's lower lip, she was delighted to hear a soft moan. Then she felt Laura respond, the kiss deepening into something far more intense, more erotic, and more loving than anything she had felt before. Laura's tongue gently explored her mouth, drawing soft moans from Crystal as she surrendered to the feelings swirling through her. Sinking her fingers into the dark hair, she did some exploring of her own, using the tip of her tongue to gently trace the edges of Laura's teeth, to feel sensations stronger than any she had known before. When the kiss finally ended, Crystal found herself mostly on Laura's lap and was grateful for the arms holding her tight as she was certain she would sink to the deck if those warm, gentle arms were to let go. She felt the rapid rise and fall of Laura's chest despite struggling to get her own breathing slowed down. When she spoke, it was with halting breaths. "Now that was a kiss."
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