Crystal looked at the can sitting on the counter. "Not yet," she said softly. "Let me see how things go first."
The more Crystal tried not to think about drinking, the stronger the urge to have a drink. Her trips to the deck for a cigarette were more frequent and she silently cursed her timing in having run out of pot the day before. The Mets were losing, which only added to her aggravation. When the best hitter swung at a ball clearly outside the strike zone, striking out and ending a bases loaded rally, she had enough. "I'm going out for a smoke," she announced.
"You were just out there not fifteen minutes ago," Laura pointed out. "Why are you so wound up? They're only down by two. They can make that up."
"It's not that," Crystal said from the doorway between the living room and kitchen. "I just have a lot of stuff on my mind. I need some air." She opened the sliding glass door and stepped outside, angrily pulling the rumpled pack from her pocket and lighting a cigarette. This shouldn't be so damn hard. I can't be as hooked on booze as the old man was. I just can't. Looking out at the silhouette of the trees, she did not see Laura come up behind her, only the soft touch of gentle hands on her shoulders.
"Tell me what's wrong," the writer urged.
Crystal gripped the iron rail, crumpling her cigarette in the process. "I hate feeling this helpless."
"Helpless about what?"
"Things that shouldn't have control over me," she said cryptically, shaking her head. "I should be strong enough to beat this and I'm worried that I can't."
"Does this have anything to do with why you haven't had any beer tonight?" Laura asked.
"I didn't think you paid that close attention to what I did and didn't drink," Crystal countered, turning around to face her roommate.
"It's unusual for you not to have a beer with dinner. To go three hours without one when there's a full six pack in the refrigerator is almost unheard of." Laura gave her a smile and squeezed her arm. "Are you going to quit drinking?"
Crystal turned away again. "I don't know." Gentle arms wrapped around her middle, Laura's chin resting on her left shoulder. "You know what your problem is? You don't give yourself enough credit."
"Credit for what?" she asked. "For screwing my life up completely? Laura, I'm twenty five years old and I'm going to end up a drunk just like my folks." The gentle hoot of an owl cut through the night, causing Crystal to lose her thought.
"You're wrong," Laura said after a minute of silence.
"About?" she asked, not turning around.
"Ending up just like your folks." Laura released the gentle embrace, leaving her right hand to rest on the small of Crystal's back. "You won't." "And how do you know that?"
Laura leaned forward against the rail as well, their elbows brushing against each other. "Because you're willing to change. They weren't. You admitted you had a problem with what happened when you were a kid and you sought help for it. You realize you have a problem with alcohol and you're making an effort to change that as well."
Crystal snorted. "Don't go praising me or nothing. It's not like I've done anything amazing. I went to one meeting and tried not to drink for one evening. I can't believe how hard this is," she said quietly.
"You know why I'm most sure you're not going to end up like your parents?" Laura asked softly.
"Why?" Crystal found herself being pulled into a brief hug.
"Because you've got me and I'm not giving up on you," Laura said firmly. "Now are you going to torture your lungs some more or can we get back in there and see if the Mets can pull themselves out of the fire again?"
"Sorry I'm late," Crystal said as she flopped down on the bean bag, not at all pleased with the scrutiny Jenny was giving her. "What?" "No notebook this week?" the therapist asked, lowering herself to the opposite beanbag.
"I forgot it this morning. I've been running late all day." Crystal wiped her dirty hands on her equally dirty jeans. "It's been a hell of a week." "How so?"
"Tonight's the first night I haven't had to work until at least six and by the time I get home it's so late that Laura's already eaten not to mention this Saturday is the GED exam over at the high school. If I miss this one I have to wait two more months."
"Do you think you're ready for the test?" Jenny asked.
"With some parts, yeah." The blonde shrugged. "But the math is still driving me nuts. Laura's been helping me with the formulas but there's just so damn many that I can't keep them straight in my head. I just know I'm going to walk in there and forget everything."
"Try this. Treat this test as if it were just a practice test. It doesn't matter if you pass or fail. If you pass, great. If not, you can use it to study from and take it again in two months."
"Actually if you fail it you have to wait six months," Crystal said. "And I don't want to miss it this time. We've been working too hard." If Jenny noticed the use of 'we', she did not say anything. "I really want to be able to show Laura that certificate."
"You should be doing this for yourself, not for anyone else," the therapist said. "It's your GED."
"But I wouldn't even be trying to get it if it wasn't for all of Laura's help. She's the one that made it so I understood that damn algebra and there's no way I'd be able to diagram a sentence without her." Crystal shook her head. "I wouldn't have made it through this past week without her. No way."
"What was so difficult about this past week?" Jenny asked.
"I
I haven't had a drink in three days." Crystal's eyes fell to the carpet. "I went two days first but then
I dunno. It just got too hard."
"You mean you were dry for two days, then drank, and now you haven't had a drink in three days?" the other woman asked for clarification. "Yeah." She looked up at Jenny. "I can't remember the last time I went three days without a drink."
"What about the marijuana?"
"Don't tempt me," Crystal said dryly. "I'm still smoking cigarettes and don't you even think of trying to take those away from me." "There's no sense setting yourself up for failure by trying to reach your goals in one giant leap," Jenny said.
"I didn't say I was giving up the pot either, Doc," Crystal warned. "I've just been too busy to make a phone call, that's all. Besides, I haven't had any time to smoke since Laura and I are up half the night getting ready for the damn exam."
"Whatever it takes to get you through the day," the therapist said in all seriousness. "Have you been to any meetings?"
Crystal nodded. "There's a different women's meeting each night at six. I've been late 'cause of work but I've gotten there before half-time. There's one on Saturdays too but we were busy so I didn't go." Crossing her arms, she looked at Jenny defiantly. "I know they say you should go each day and there's some there that I think do nothing but go from meeting to meeting but if I'm doing something with Laura, I'm not going to drop everything just because there's a meeting going on." She frowned at the growing smirk on Jenny's face. "What?"
"I never said you had to go each day," the therapist answered. "I'm surprised you're going as often as you are. Pleased, but surprised. If you're comfortable skipping a day here and there because you're doing something healthy, then do it. Just don't let it become an excuse not to go at all or you'll find yourself staring at an empty bottle quicker than you can say relapse." Jenny pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs. "How are you feeling physically?"
"I dunno." Crystal's position mimicked the therapist. "My stomach is off once in a while and I'm sick of diet soda but other than that I'm okay, I guess."
"Are you eating regularly?"
"I live with Laura," Crystal said dryly. "She's up for breakfast, has a brown bag waiting for me to take and dinner's ready almost every night by the time I get home." Poking at her side, she frowned. "I'm about ten pounds heavier than when I was working at the Tom Cat. If she keeps this up I won't be able to fit through the door."
"I'm sure a good portion of that is muscle from your construction work," the therapist said as she got to her feet. She went to her desk and retrieved two videotapes from the bottom drawer. "Here. You can take these home with you to watch. One is about the effects of alcohol on the body and the other is for people beginning recovery and what obstacles they can expect and how to handle them. They're kinda old but if you can get past the eighties clothes you'll be fine."
"Gee thanks, Doc," Crystal said. Noticing the time, she stood as well and took the tapes from Jenny. "Just what I needed, more homework." "Well since you didn't bring your journal I had to come up with something, right?" the therapist joked.
"True," the blonde agreed. "I should look on the bright side. We could have spent the whole hour talking about how I feel for Laura." "You managed to bring her in enough," Jenny said. "I take it you didn't tell her about your feelings?"
"No," Crystal said. "I'm still not sure."
"Then I suggest you keep writing in your journal about your feelings until you are sure," Jenny said. "In the meantime, get to the AA meetings as often as you can and good luck on your GED test. I'm sure you'll pass with flying colors."
"I'm gonna fail," Crystal said miserably as she stared at the large stone building.
"You're not going to fail," Laura insisted, reaching out to gently rub her roommate's back. They were standing in the parking lot of the high school, other adults milling about smoking cigarettes and talking.
"Easy for you to say," the blond grumbled.
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