Laura dimly wondered when Crystal had become so good at reading her and hoped her face did not reveal her secret. "I'm fine, really. I'll tell you what, why don't you take the sleeping bag to the Jeep and I'll be there in a minute then we'll go get some breakfast."
"If you're not up to it, we can just go home and have something there," Crystal offered.
"No. I really think you'll enjoy Ruby's and we don't get out this way often." A thought occurred to her. "Unless you don't want to go."
"Oh, I want to go. If it's a place that serves real food and you like it, then I want to go. They do serve real food, don't they? Not those bean sprouts and grass that you like to pretend you're a rabbit with."
"Real food, I promise," she said with a smile. "I'm sure you can even get an extra side of grease if you need it."
"Funny. Come on, I'm starving and I've already said goodbye to everyone." Crystal took the tent from her and shoved it into the nylon bag, ruining all the folding Laura had just done. Suppressing the urge to pull it out and put it back correctly, she stood up and followed Crystal to the car, grateful to be leaving the eyes of her friends. Laura understood why her friends teased her so much about Crystal because if forced to admit it, their playful comments and jabs hit too close to home. How hard it had been last night to lie there and try to go to sleep with Crystal by her side, especially with the vocal sounds coming from Alex's tent. Laura was grateful it had only been an overnight and not a full weekend getaway. Two nights in a row would be a temptation she was not sure she could handle.
Crystal sighed and rolled onto her back, reaching out in the dark for the lamp. This is ridiculous. She had gone to bed two hours ago but sleep refused to come. Sitting up, she took the composition book and pen from the top of her night stand and began writing.
It's almost two and I can't sleep. Why? Why do I feel this? Is what I'm feeling real or just my imagination making more out of a friendship than there really is? She hugs me a lot but she's never come on to me or anything so why do I keep thinking like this? I've never kissed a woman but sometimes it's so hard when she's holding me close. I want to. Would she kiss me back? I doubt it. She'd probably just sit there and tell me in that tone of hers why she'd never be interested in trailer park trash like me. I'm just a friend, a roommate. She cares about me, I know that but could there ever be more? What if she decides she wants to live alone again? What if she finds herself another lover?
I'm cold. The furnace is on, I can hear it but what I want to keep me warm is across the hall. I want her to hold me like she did last night. I wonder if she even realizes that she did that. It felt so good to be in her arms, just like when I'm upset and she holds me. I wish I knew all the answers. I've never thought about being with a woman before and I don't think I could be unless it was Laura. I don't want just any woman, I want her. Why can't my life be like one of her books where the heroine gets her girl in the end and they ride off into the sunset?
Why can't I be the girl for her?
"I wasn't thinking you'd be reading that when I wrote it," Crystal said glumly, picking absently at a loose thread along the seam of the bean bag. "I believe that," Jenny said, closing the notebook and setting it down on the floor next to her. "We need to talk about this." "There's nothing to talk about," she shrugged. "She's not interested in me that way."
"That doesn't make your feelings any less real," Jenny said. "Have you ever been in love before?"
"With the people I used to hang out with, Doc?" Crystal shook her head. "I've gone to bed with a couple of guys here and there but I've never really dated much less had a romantic relationship."
"Have you considered the possibility that this is just a reaction to spending so much time with Laura? From what you've told me, you haven't allowed anyone to come close to you since your sister."
"So you think because Laura's my friend and a lesbian that I'm thinking I might be too?"
"You're the one that wrote that you weren't interested in any other women," the therapist said. "And what I think doesn't matter. How do you feel?" Crystal snorted. "You read that for yourself, Doc." She paused. "You think I'm confusing friendship with love?"
"I think that's a question you have to answer for yourself," Jenny said gently. "As far as any romantic relationship is concerned, I don't believe you're ready for that at this point. You're just starting to deal with your father's abuse. Adding a fledgling romance to that is a recipe for emotional disaster." "In other words I'm too fucked up to be anyone's girlfriend," she said in a self-deprecating tone.
"In other words you need to take time to love yourself before you can learn to love someone else, whoever that may be," Jenny corrected. "You still use alcohol and drugs to numb your feelings no matter how much progress you're making in here. And you have made progress," she reassured. "No matter how hard it may feel sometimes, know that you are getting better each time you face the pain and move past it." She looked at her watch. "Unfortunately we're out of time today."
"I'm not saying anything to Laura about this," Crystal warned. "I don't need to be looking for another place to live on top of everything else." "Do you really think if you told her how you felt that she would throw you out?" Jenny asked. "I don't."
"No, she probably would let me stay," she admitted. "But I wouldn't be able to." She gave the therapist a wry smile. "You know how good I am at running away."
"The only problem is you can't run away from yourself," Jenny said, rising to her feet. Crystal picked up her notebook and rose as well. "What am I going to do about her?"
"It's not Laura you need to worry about, Crystal. It's yourself. My suggestion is to keep writing about how you're feeling and above all, be honest with yourself." She held her arms out. "I'll see you next week."
"I'll be here," Crystal said as she accepted the obligatory hug. "And Doc?"
"Yes?"
"You've been absolutely no help with this, you know. I'm more confused about how I feel about her now than when I walked in here." Jenny smiled knowingly. "I know. That's my job."
Crystal stepped into the outer office, waiting for the secretary to finish with a phone call so she could schedule her next appointment. On the wall near the door was a rack full of pamphlets. Looking at them absently to pass the time, Crystal's eyes fell on a blue booklet with the words "Need Help?" written in bold black lettering on the front. Taking one from the rack, she opened it to find it was a schedule of AA meetings.
"Miss Sheridan? Next Tuesday at five thirty?"
"What? Oh yeah, that's fine," she said, shoving the booklet into her back pocket and taking the offered card from the middle aged woman. "See you next week."
Minutes later, sitting in her car waiting for it to warm up, Crystal found herself looking through the booklet. A meeting for women only was starting in an hour at the old church near the townhouse complex. Checking the legend, she found that it was an open meeting, meaning anyone was welcome whether they considered themselves an alcoholic or not. I could go just to see what it's like, she thought to herself. It's not like I have to stop drinking or admit I'm an alky or anything.
The parking lot was filling with cars, some old rust buckets like hers, some looking as if they just left the showroom floor. Sitting in her car, Crystal watched as the women smiled and chatted with each other before heading inside. What the hell am I doing here? Certain she was making a mistake, Crystal stepped out of her car and went inside.
"There you are," Laura said when Crystal returned home later. "I was beginning to get worried." Wiping her hands on the dish towel, the writer walked over to her. "Everything go okay with your session with Jenny?"
"Yeah," she said, not wanting to go into detail. "I just had to stop and do something on the way home. What's for dinner?" "I thought a chicken stir-fry would be nice. The playoffs are tonight. Do you feel like watching the Mets clobber the Braves?" "Sounds good," she said. "I was just going to work a little on the GED stuff tonight anyway. I can study and watch the ball game at the same time."
"Oh!" Laura headed for the stairs. "I almost forgot. I made up a batch of flash cards to help you with those formulas you're having trouble with. I'll be right back. Stir the vegetables for me."
"I still don't understand why anyone needs to know geometry or algebra in the real world," Crystal said as she entered the kitchen. She poked at the food with the wooden spoon for a minute before opening the refrigerator and automatically reaching for a beer. The door open and the cool aluminum in her hand, she paused. One day at a time. They make it sound so easy. With a resigned sigh she set the beer back and took a diet soda instead.
Laura returned with a stack of cards cut from manila folders. "I put the object on one side and the formula on the other so you can study both," she said, setting the cards on the counter. "We can even do them between innings."
"Are we eating in here or out there tonight?" Crystal asked as she opened the cabinet and took down two plates.
"Whichever you prefer. The pre-game is starting in about five minutes."
"The living room is fine," she said, retrieving the utensils and napkins. "I feel like kicking my boots off and relaxing tonight anyway." "Long day?"
"Too long." Crystal smiled at the comforting squeeze on her shoulder. "Ah, you know how I am after a session with Jenny." "I knew something was bothering you," Laura said gently. "Do you want to talk about it?"
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