"I was short for my age. I didn't really sprout until I was sixteen and by then I was out of there so I guess I was probably around five foot or so. Maybe five one or two."

"Where you a strong girl?"

"I did okay in sports but I wasn't a standout or anything."

"So about average for a fourteen year old."

"Yeah, I guess so," Crystal said, the image in her mind gaining shape but still very fuzzy. "I can't see my face, though."

"Do you have any old photographs from when you were younger?"

"No. I didn't think to pack those when I snuck out, Doc," Crystal said sarcastically. "I guess when I think about it I see myself like I am now."

"I want you to think of yourself when you were fourteen. Think about the hair, the pimples, the clothes, everything you can." Jenny's encouragement brought a clearer face to the child in Crystal's vision. "Now," Jenny said gently. "Do you see yourself better?"

"Yeah, I think so," Crystal replied.

"Okay, think about how small you were in comparison to your father."

Crystal flinched at the mention of her father and frowned, knowing Jenny saw her movement as well. "Yeah?"

"I want you to think about something else. Keep that image in your mind." Crystal kept her eyes closed, following Jenny's direction. "Who decided what time you woke up in the morning?"

"My parents did."

"And the time you went to bed at night?"

"They did."

"What about what you ate for breakfast? Dinner? What you wore to school?"

"Them."

"Sounds like you had very little power there," Jenny said.

"I picked out my underwear, that's about it," Crystal replied angrily, old feelings bubbling to the surface.

"So how can you possibly expect yourself, as a teenager with nothing but turmoil and chaos around you to be able to defend yourself against someone so much more powerful than you?"

Unable to think of a quick response, Crystal opened her eyes and looked at her therapist.

"You've never thought about it, have you?" Jenny continued, leaning forward until her knees were only inches away from Crystal's. "When you think about the past, you expect that child to be able to think and act as you would now as an adult."

"No I don't," Crystal protested, hugging her knees closer to her chest.

"Look deep down inside," Jenny insisted. "You keep saying if only I had a stronger lock or if only I had done this or done that. You were a child, Crystal. A little girl at the mercy of someone much bigger and stronger than yourself."

If Jenny said more, Crystal didn't hear it. Her thoughts were far away, in another time and place, where the monsters were real and the person who was supposed to protect her turned out to be her worst nightmare. Crystal tried to stiffen up, to put forth her tough persona, but it felt hollow and empty, even to her. Slumping her shoulders, she let her head fall forward. The painful memories and feelings that had been resurfacing all day finally found the strength to break through the dam and burst forth. Rapid blinking did nothing to ease the stinging in her eyes and Crystal knew the battle was lost. Burying her face into her arms, she felt the hot tears come. Her shaky breathing threatened to turn into an all out sob but years of selfpreservation helped Crystal quickly regain control. Wiping her wet face on her sleeves of her shirt, she stood up and walked over to the window. Looking through the tinted glass, Crystal watched various cars and trucks drive up and down the street. Taking several deep breaths, Crystal began to speak, not at all certain she would be able to keep her emotions in check. "I

I think that's enough for today, Doc."

"You can't run away from yourself," Jenny said gently, her voice coming from just behind Crystal's shoulder. "I know you like to think of yourself as a one woman island capable of existing without human comfort but you aren't."

"I can handle it," Crystal said firmly, refusing to look away from the window as another tear rolled down her face.

"Sure you can, Jane Wayne. Just you, your horse and a trusty six-shooter to kill anyone who comes near you, right?" A friendly hand landed on Crystal's shoulder. "You have a million feelings going through you right now and noi.e.how to sort them all out. I thought that's what you came here to do, not to run away the minute things started getting hard."

Crystal sniffed and wiped her eyes, still refusing to turn around. "I hate this," she said quietly. "I

" She watched a van make its way down the street while she collected her thoughts. "I hate feeling this way."

"What way is that?" the soft voice behind her asked.

"I dunno." Shrugging her shoulders, Crystal moved away, keeping her back to Jenny. Returning to the blue beanbag, she slumped down into it, letting out a deep breath of air when she finally felt in control of her rarely used tear ducts. She watched Jenny return to her beanbag.

"You know, you just don't want to admit it," Jenny said. "I told you no cop outs here." The distant sound of the church bell caused her to look at her watch. "But I'll give you a break tonight. It is getting late. Look at me." She waited until she had Crystal's full attention before continuing. "I want you to go home and write tonight." Ignoring Crystal's groan, she continued. "I want you to write about the dream you keep having. Try to put as much detail in it as you can. Don't forget that the people in your life today aren't the same as the ones in your past. You're around people who care about you. Don't forget to reach out if you need to."

"I don't want to write tonight," Crystal said, rubbing her eyes and standing up. "I just want to get numb."

"Getting numb won't make the pain go away," Jenny replied as she rose to her feet. "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a new result. Try doing something different for a change. I guarantee you won't wake up with a hangover."

"It takes a really rough night for me to wake up with a hangover, Doc. I can hold my liquor."

"Yeah, so I've seen," Jenny smirked. "I don't take bullshit either, Jane Wayne. Go home and remember you're a woman, not a tank." "Meaning?"

"Meaning go easy on yourself," Jenny said. "You're a woman who needs comfort from time to time. Don't be so afraid to take it, okay?" "I'll see you Saturday at softball, Doc," Crystal replied, reaching for her keys.

"Hey, rule twenty six." Jenny stood in front of her and reached out. "I believe everyone needs at least five hugs a day. You are way overdue for one, I'm sure."

"You're kidding." As she found herself enveloped in a gentle hug, Crystal knew the answer. "Yeah yeah, okay, you've given me a hug. Leggo now." "Read your meditations, write in your journal and don't forget to reach out to the people who care about you," Jenny said as she pulled back. "I'll see you Saturday."

Chapter Eighth

The parking lot of the liquor store was dark, the overhead light broken some time ago by vandals and never repaired. Crystal parked her car near the front door, wanting as much light around her as possible now that darkness had fallen. Leaving the store with the brown paper bag in her hand, she looked around the dim lot carefully before leaving the safety of the doorway for her car. Once inside the small interior of her Omni, Crystal locked her door and set the bottle on the passenger seat. I can't do this, it's just too hard, she thought to herself, reaching out to start the engine. All I think about is that fucking place and all the shit that happened. Pulling out onto the street, Crystal pushed her foot down hard on the accelerator, quickly passing the speed limit. At least when I'm wasted I don't think about it. The bottle sitting on seat screamed out from within the paper bag but Crystal knew in her present state of mind that if she started drinking, she'd have half the bottle finished before she reached home, if she made it home at all. "Ah, who cares anyway," she said aloud, reaching out for the bottle. Her fingers barely closed around the bag when she saw the bright blue lights flashing in the rear view mirror. "Oh shit," she said, letting go of the bag and reaching for her seat belt. Oh shit, is there any weed in the car? Crystal tried hard to remember as she guided the car to the shoulder of the road. Reaching between the seats and putting the car in park, she shut off the engine and rolled down the window. Did I put the new insurance card in the glove compartment? Crystal looked at the rear view mirror, not at all happy with the sight of the police car parking behind hers. The blue lights continued to strobe incessantly as seconds passed. What are you doing, running my plate? Please just get up here and give me a speeding ticket and go away.

As any marijuana in her glove compartment. The registration is in there. What if he sees something when I reach for it? Maybe I should get it now, just in case. But on the other hand, if he sees me moving around in there, he might become suspicious and want to search the car. That would not be a good thing. Over a week ago she had dropped her pipe and at the time simply kicked it under the front seat. The sound of a car door closing made the decision for her. Do nothing and see what happens.

Crystal's heart began pounding as the uniformed officer approached her vehicle. Watching through her side view mirror, Crystal's eyes grew wide when the cop stopped at her rear bumper and appeared to be looking at something. Don't tell me I have a broken taillight or something. Oh damn, when was the last time this thing was inspected? Wiping the sweat from her upper lip, she nervously poked her head out the window. "Um, is something wrong, officer?"