"You're right," Jenny said after a long silence. "What happened to you was not fair and it wasn't your fault." She treaded gently, aware of the stripper's vulnerable state. "I'm not trying to hurt or punish you in any way." She paused. "Trust is an important issue with my clients. Even the appearance of impropriety has to be avoided."

"If I wasn't living there, would you help me?"

"Of course. It's not that I don't want to help you, Crystal, I do."

"So I'm just fucked again," the stripper said dejectedly, slumping further into the chair as the fight drained out of her. "It's all right, Doc. No biggie." "Let me get you the names of some very qualified"

"Don't bother," Crystal said dismissively. "I knew I was stupid to think about doing this." She wiped her eyes with her shirt sleeve and stood up to leave.

"No, not stupid," Jenny said, motioning for her to sit down. "Courageous." She set the clipboard aside. "It takes courage to heal." She paused, waiting for Crystal to look at her. "If I agreed to see you, there are certain rules that have to be made clear right from the start." The stripper swallowed hard and nodded, her emotions too raw for her to trust speaking. She didn't want to do or say anything that would dash the tiny glimmer of hope.

"The most important thing is knowing that whatever is said in this room stays in this room," the therapist continued. "It's a safe place for you. Nothing you tell me will ever be repeated unless you threaten to harm yourself or others. You can cry, scream, yell all you want. The walls are insulated so no one in the waiting area can hear you."

"Okay, Doc." Like I'm going to cry or scream, she thought dubiously, frowning when she remembered that only minutes ago she was on the verge of breaking down.

"I have certain expectations as well."

Crystal inhaled deeply and readied herself to protest. Jenny stood up and walked over to the desk, opening a drawer and removing a small, thick book. At first Crystal thought it was a bible until she saw the flowers and birds on the cover.

"This is a daily meditation book. I expect you to read the appropriate passage each morning and again at night." Crystal took the offered book and opened it. Each page was labeled with the month and date, but no day.

"You want me to meditate?"

"I'm not talking chants and yoga," Jenny said. "Take ten to fifteen minutes in the morning to read and think about the day's topic."

Topic? Curious, Crystal looked closer. Each day focused on a different feeling or problem. Discouragement, self-worth, shame, guilt, and anger were the topics for the next five days. "Looks like real fun reading," she said sarcastically.

"It's not meant to be fun, it's meant to be thought-provoking. This isn't going to be easy, Crystal. If you want to change then you have to make some changes." The stripper continued to flip pages while Jenny continued. "Remember, insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."

"You like that phrase, don't you Doc?"

"I like many phrases. That happens to be one of my favorites." She leaned back on the couch and tucked her feet up beneath her. "So how does this work? Do you ask me questions and I answer them or what? I've never done this before."

"You're not in the principal's office here, Crystal. We'll do it whatever way is comfortable for you, to a point."

"To a point?"

"Change is uncomfortable and scary. I'm not going to let that fear keep you from growing. I may push you from time to time but it's done only out of compassion and concern, not any desire to cause you pain." A slight smile curled her lips. "I get the feeling, Miss Sheridan, that you can be stubborn as hell when you want to be."

"And I get the feeling that you can be a pain in the ass when you want to be," Crystal countered with an equal smile. "Sometimes Patty would push me to do homework or something and I'd call her every name in the book. Wish I'd listened to her then."

"Your sister encouraged you to do your homework? Where was your mother?"

That question earned a derisive snort from the blonde. "My mother? Oh, you mean the lush that stayed in the bedroom all the time with her cable and doggie dew."

"Doggie dew?"

"Mad Dog twenty twenty and Mountain Dew. Nasty shit."

"It sounds it," Jenny agreed. "Did your father drink too?"

"Case after case of whatever was cheapest that week." Crystal heard thee.g.in her own voice and took a deep breath. "After Patty left, he started with the whiskey." And me, she added silently.

"Let's go back for a minute," Jenny said. "Help me make sure I have my facts straight. Your sister ran away when she was ?"

"Seventeen."

She nodded. "And you ran away when you were"

"Fifteen and a half."

"What grade were you in?"

"Halfway through ninth grade. I should have been in tenth but I got held back a year."

"Did you ever go back?"

Crystal looked at the diplomas on the wall and shook her head. "I was too busy trying to live from day to day to worry about school." She studied the stitching on the chair, too ashamed to look at Jenny. "I didn't do good when I was there so why bother? I can read and write. I get by just fine." "Is getting by all you want to do? Just make enough money to get from week to week with no future?"

"It's all I've got!" Crystal snapped. Don't you fucking get it? I'm nothing. "I take my clothes off for money because that's all I'm good for. I can't make better money somewhere else."

"Then you need to do whatever it takes to make that possible. You're what, twenty-four?"

"Twenty-five."

"Twenty-five. How many more years do you think you can keep stripping? How long before stripping won't be enough to pay the bills? What are you going to do then?"

Crystal gripped the arms of the recliner, her defenses kicking in to the challenge in Jenny's voice.

"Come on, Crystal. What things have you done for yourself that keep you from ending up just another statistic?" Jenny waited a few seconds for an answer, then continued. "All right, what changes are you going to make so you don't end up a statistic?"

"I don't know."

"Another rule, Miss Sheridan. I don't allow cop outs and I will call you on them. Let's try again. What changes are you going to make so you don't end up dead somewhere with a needle in your arm?"

"I'm too old to go back to school."

"Wrong. You can study at home for the equivalency test. Pass that and it holds the same weight as a high school diploma. You can even download research materials off the internet."

"I don't have a computer."

"They have them at the library," Jenny countered. "I don't allow excuses either."

"I didn't come here to be lectured into going back to school," Crystal said. What does that have to do with the fucking nightmares? "So why did you come here?"

"What?" You know why I came here. Why are you pushing me like this?

Jenny repeated her question. "Why did you come here? What are you hoping to accomplish?"

"You know."

"Tell me."

"You know," Crystal repeated angrily.

"Say it."

"I want it to stop," she snapped, glaring at the therapist. "I want the nightmares to stop. I want the flashbacks to stop. I want the fucking pain to stop!"

"So what are you going to do to change that?" Jenny asked, nonplused by the outburst. "What changes are you going to make to make the pain stop?"

Crystal turned away, clenching her jaw and refusing to answer.

"I told you this wouldn't be easy," Jenny said. "No one else can do all the work. It's up to you to make the tough choices and change the way things are for yourself. You're not that lost fifteen year old anymore."

"Now I'm a lost twenty-five year old," Crystal muttered, still refusing to look at the therapist. "Is that what you're trying to tell me?" "No, I think that's what you're trying to tell me," Jenny said gently. "I think this is a good stopping point for today."

"But" She looked at her watch. "I still have five minutes."

"Enough time for us to talk about some more of the rules."

"Oh yippee." Here it comes.

"I knew you'd like this part."

Crystal rolled her eyes and raised her eyebrow at the brown haired woman.

"First, no drinking or drugging before you meet with me. This is serious work and I won't waste my time with someone who can't be serious as well." "Fine." I'll just make sure I schedule the appointments in the morning.

"Second, there's a proper and an improper way to deal with anger. I told you this room is a safe place and you can yell all you want, but" The therapist raised her finger. "The only things you can throw or hit are the pillows." Crystal nodded in agreement. "And I don't just mean here," Jenny added. "At home too. Get yourself a beanbag or an overstuffed pillow."

"Fine, anything else?"

"Get a spiral notebook, a thick one. I want you to write in it each day."

"You want me to keep a diary?" Are you nuts? Write it down so someone can see it? She shook her head. "No way."

"Way. You write in it whenever you want but at least once a day."

"What about?"

"Whatever you want. How you're feeling, what's going on in your life, anything you feel like writing about." Jenny stood up and took the book from Crystal's hands. Finding the correct page, she handed it back. "You still have a few minutes left. Today's topic is self-worth. Read it now and again at bedtime. Read tomorrow's when you wake up and again in the middle of the day. Find yourself ten to fifteen minutes three times a day to read the meditations and think about them."

"And this is going to help, Doc?"