Джорджетт Хейер - Cotillion

Much alarmed by the unmistakeably belligerent note in Miss Plymstock’s voice, Freddy hastened to say: “Nothing to do with me! Not my affair, y’know!”

“You would not try to intervene, would you, Freddy?” Kitty asked.

“No, no! Word of a gentleman! In fact, rather not have anything to do with it!” said Freddy, in a burst of candour.

But Miss Charing was not at all inclined to permit him to adopt this craven attitude. She obliged him to sit down between herself and Hannah upon the settee, while she poured into his unwilling ear the full tale of his cousin’s difficulties. Miss Plymstock punctuated the recital with corroborations and occasional emendations; and Lord Dolphinton stood before the group, watching Freddy with very much the look of an anxious spaniel doubtful whether he was to receive a pat or a kick. Freddy found his intent gaze unnerving, and several times begged him to sit down. Lord Dolphinton shook his head. “Mean to marry Hannah,” he said.

“That’s right, old fellow,” responded Freddy. “No need to stand there staring at me, even if you do.”

“Keep an eye on you,” said his lordship. “See what you’re thinking. Hannah says you won’t like it. I don’t think you won’t like it. Been watching you. Don’t look to be in a miff. You ain’t in a miff, are you, Freddy?” Reassured on this head, he regarded his cousin with fond gratitude, and said: “You know what, Freddy? I like you. Always did. I like you better than Hugh. Like you better than Jack. Better than Biddenden. Don’t like. him at all. Don’t like Claud much either.”

“Yes, well, much obliged to you, Dolph!” said Freddy patiently. “But it ain’t a bit of use thinking I can help you in this fix, because I dashed well can’t!”

“Kitty’s going to help us,” said Dolphinton, with simple faith.

“That’s as may be,” interposed Miss Plymstock. “There is no need for you to tease yourself, Foster, for we shall contrive in some way or another; but it seems to me it’s for Mr. Standen to say whether Miss Charing may stand our friend or not. And if you don’t choose she should, sir, there’s no one could blame you, for I don’t doubt that Foster’s Mama will kick up a rare dust, and behave mighty unpleasantly to her.”

“It don’t signify what my Aunt Augusta does,” replied Freddy, for the second time in his career astonishing Kitty by a display of courage which seemed to her to verge on foolhardiness. “Can’t do Kit a mischief: shouldn’t let her. Daresay she’ll set up a screech. Thing is, Kit don’t live with her, and nor do I. Shan’t have to listen to anything she says.”

Miss Plymstock, listening to this eminently practical speech with warm approval, was moved to grasp Mr. Standen’s hand again. “You’re a sensible man!” she said gruffly. “Now, you listen to what your cousin says, Foster, and think if it ain’t what I’ve been drumming into your head this age past! Once the knot’s tied between us, and I have you safe, there’s nothing your Mama can do to hurt you, and so I promise you! You tell him that’s true, Mr. Standen!”

“Yes, I daresay it is,” agreed Freddy, recovering his hand, and hoping very much that she would not feel herself impelled to wring it a third time. “The thing is, the knot ain’t tied, and I’m dashed if I see how it is to be, if Dolph’s being spied on all the time.”

“We shall think of a way,” said Kitty.

Her betrothed regarded her with misgiving. “Yes, but it won’t do if you think of sending ‘em off to Gretna Green, or anything like that, Kit. Not one to throw a rub in your way, but that’s coming it too strong!”

“Yes, indeed! In any event, Miss Plymstock thinks it would not answer, so you may be easy!”

Mr. Standen, however, was not at all easy; and he took the earliest opportunity of telling Kitty so. “Shatterbrained, that’s what you are, my dear girl!” he informed her, with some severity. “First it’s one thing, and then it’s another!

Told me you wanted to come to town to establish yourself, but all you do is to mix yourself up in affairs that don’t concern you. Shouldn’t wonder if you were to find yourself at a standstill.”

“But, Freddy, you would not have me refuse to help poor Dolph?”

“Well, I would,” he said. “Mind, it don’t matter to me if he chooses to marry that shocking fright, because he ain’t a Standen, for one thing; and for another he’s so badly touched in his upper works there’s no saying but what he might not do something a dashed sight worse than marry a tradesman’s daughter. Thing is, bound to be a rare kick-up if the thing comes off, and I’d as lief have nothing to do with it.” He met Miss Charing’s slightly reproachful eyes manfully, and added: “Tell you what, Kit! Got too kind a heart!”

A smile swept across her face. “Oh, Freddy, how absurd you are! When you have a much kinder one than I have!”

“No, really, Kit!” protested Freddy, revolted. “Haven’t got anything of the sort! Been on the town for years!”

“Yes, you have,” averred Kitty, lifting his hand to her cheek for a brief moment. “And when I consider how dreadfully I have imposed upon you—Oh, well! At least, I promise I won’t embroil you in this business! You won’t object to it if I help them? For it is the most shocking thing, Freddy!—I could not speak of it with Dolph standing by, but Lady Dolphinton holds him in subjection by threatening to have him shut up as a lunatic! And that he is not!”

“You don’t mean it?” exclaimed Freddy, much struck. “Of course he ain’t a lunatic! Got no brains, that’s all. Well, I ain’t got any either, but you wouldn’t say I was a lunatic, would you?”

“No, and you have got brains, Freddy!” said Kitty indignantly.

Mr. Standen, already shaken by having his hand rubbed worshipfully against a lady’s cheek, goggled at her. “You think I’ve got brains?” he said, awed. “Not confusing me with Charlie?”

“Charlie!” uttered Miss Charing contemptuously. ill daresay he has book-learning, but you have—you have address, Freddy!”

“Well, by Jove!” said Mr. Standen, dazzled by this new vision of himself.

Meanwhile, that noted Corinthian, Mr. Jack Westruther, was rapidly passing from a state of amused tolerance to one of slightly puzzled exasperation. That Kitty should cajole Mr. Standen into a counterfeit betrothal with the object of arousing jealousy in the breast of the man she really loved was something Mr. Westruther could understand, and even appreciate. That she should decline his invitations for no better alternative than a few hours spent in Dolphinton’s company was something he was very far from appreciating. She could not, he was persuaded, hope to awaken one spark of jealousy in him by such absurd tactics. He did not think so poorly of her as to suppose that she might seriously be encouraging his lordship’s advances, for he held Dolphinton in utter contempt; but a chance meeting with his cousin Biddenden, in Boodle’s Club, certainly sowed a seed of doubt in his mind.

“So Kitty Charing has a fancy to become a Countess!” said Biddenden, with a short laugh. “Well! I am not at all astonished! I’m sure I hope you are satisfied, Jack! A rare bungle you have made of it, you and Hugh between you!”

“Don’t you mean a Viscountess, George?” suggested Mr. Westruther amiably.

“No, I don’t. She’ll be Countess of Dolphinton before the year’s out, mark me! Much good may it do her!”

“Would you care to hazard a bet on the chance?”

“You’d lose!” said his lordship brutally. “You thought the girl was head over ears in love with you, didn’t you? Well, I thought it too, and nicely bubbled we have been! It’s my belief she’s a deep ‘un, and had her eye on Dolphinton from the outset.”

“I do hope, my dear George, that you mean to explain to me why, if this is so, she did not take him when she had the chance offered to her? I seem to be remarkably dull-witted today, for the reason is hid from me,” said Mr. Westruther, with unabated amiability.

“You’d know fast enough had you been at Arnside,” replied Biddenden. “The girl was in such a pet she was ready to throw a fortune to the wind, and took Freddy merely to spite the rest of us.”

“No: only to spite me!” said Mr. Westruther, laughing.

“Much you know! If Dolphinton had gone about the business like a man of sense, instead of as good as telling her he hoped she’d refuse his offer, she’d have accepted him! Good God, Jack, you never heard anything to equal it! The fellow’s as mad as Bedlam, and ought to be shut up!”

“Undoubtedly. May I know whence you culled this farradiddle? If you came to town only two days ago you have certainly been busy!”

“Oh, I had it from my Aunt Augusta!” Biddenden replied. “She is in high croak, I can tell you! And well she may be! When I think of Dolphinton’s inheriting Uncle Matthew’s fortune—Upon my soul, Jack, I had a great deal rather it was you!”

“Handsome of you!” Mr. Westruther, grinning at him.

“Ay, well, it won’t be you!” said Biddenden crossly. “You can lay your life to that! Kitty has shown her hand plainly enough. Either she meant to have Dolphinton all along, and took Freddy merely because she could scarcely accept such an offer as that idiot made her—with Hugh and me standing by, too!—or she fancied a Viscount to be as good as an Earl, until she came to town, and learned her mistake!”

“What a foolish fellow you are, George!” said Mr. Westruther gently. “Whatever else Kitty may have learnt in town, she has not learnt to think that beggarly Earldom superior to the title Freddy will inherit.”

“Very true! An Irish title, too! I would not give a groat for it myself. But an Earl is always an Earl, you know, and ten to one my aunt has stuffed the girl’s head full of nonsense about the great position she would occupy if she were to marry that dolt.” He pursed up his mouth, and sat twirling his quizzing-glass on the end of its riband. “I fancy Kitty is not the innocent we took her for,” he said, after a pause. “It occurs to me that she may very likely have come to the realization that marriage with Dolphinton would carry with it certain compensations. A complaisant husband, my dear jack, is not altogether to be despised!”