I could feel my release inching towards explosion, but I held it off as long as I could, grabbing and raising Cassie’s thigh, giving myself the necessary space to dig deeper. She gasped, squeezed my neck and cried out her release as she shook and whimpered. I lay still inside of her, not ready to lose this connection that we shared.

“I love you more than all of the stars in the sky, Blondie,” I whispered.

Her eyes were tightly shut, her bottom lip held down by her teeth. She swiveled her hips, prompting me to begin moving inside of her again. I moved excruciatingly slow, basking in the feel of the one place that seemed to knock all of my problems out in one fell swoop, then pounded my way through her a few times before I stilled and spilled into her.

It hurt, and it soothed.

It was pleasure and pain.

And at the end of it, I realized that every piece of heartache that I had felt, from Vega to my mom, would never go away, but it would be healed by the love of the beautiful girl lying beneath me, willing to take me as I was—flaws and all.

A tear fell from Cassie’s eye. She blinked before anymore could follow.

“Why are you crying, babe?”

“For you…for us…losing your mom, I wasn’t sure how you would react to me…to this.”

I smiled, painfully aware of just how unpredictable I could be. “You’re my light in all of that dark, Cassie. Don’t ever think otherwise.”

“So you’re ready for a baby?”

“I didn’t say that. But we’ll get there together.”

She smiled and pulled me down to her. I kissed her with everything I had, every ounce of love, passion, sorrow and guilt. Everything mixed into one was no match for what Cassie and I had, and with our creation growing inside of her, it was only going to get stronger.

++++

In the span of one month, I had attended the memorial for Cpl. Vega and then for my mom. Emotionally, I was exhausted with nothing left to give and guilt consuming every piece of me for it. Meeting Vega’s girlfriend, who he was planning to marry when he returned home, was the hardest part of his service. She was all he had in the world, and listening as the words, On behalf of a grateful nation, echoed in my ears, and temporarily numbed me. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I should have been in Vega’s spot. If he hadn’t stepped in to calm me down from ripping into that fucking kid out there, he’d still be here. The turmoil ate away at me, present only to Cassie, but still enough to crack my hardened exterior.

The loud bangs of the 21 gun salute shook my resolve, replaying every soul-sucking memory of what had led us to this day. Vega pulled the trigger to save Christen’s life, but who had been there to save his? I couldn’t escape the thought that we had let him down…that we had failed him. Images of his face, struggling and fearful, continued to haunt me with every shot until finally they stopped, all at once, leaving nothing but still air and a blank mind.

My mom’s service, unfortunately, didn’t go much better. My heart broke all over again with the gathering of our family and friends speaking about my mother in past tense, solidifying the fact that she would never again call me her mijo, or Alejandro. There was only one person left who did that, and with my mom’s passing I was fearful that I wouldn’t have my grandma much longer.

Cassie placed the butterfly necklace that I had purchased for her on top of my mom’s casket. That small little gesture finally put a ray of sunlight on an overall dreary day. We were the only two people in the room who understood the significance in it, and we shared a smile, knowing my mom was free to fly.

All of the gang was present for her service: Riley and Nat, Dalton, Newsome, Smith, and even fucking Jensen. I was still uncomfortable with the idea of him and Adriana dating, him playing daddy to Abel, and our relationship as a whole. We didn’t speak much, and beyond stiff condolences, we really didn’t have much to say to one another. I tried hard not to let my unease with their relationship affect what I had and needed to maintain with my sister, but a part of me was still very much pissed off.

“She’s grown, Alex. Let her be,” Cassie kept reminding me. It didn’t matter how many times she said it, my mind wouldn’t allow me to settle with that fact. Our close knit family had shrunk by one, and I was determined, more than ever, to protect my sister and keep our family together.

“Yeah, Alex, I’m grown. One of these days you and Brandon will be okay again, so I’ll wait,” Adriana said, swatting my back in passing. She walked back over to where he was, dropping a light kiss on his lips and making me frown in disgust.

I wasn’t sure how I would ever be okay with the idea of those two as a couple. I couldn’t see it, didn’t want to see it, and wasn’t going to allow myself to see it. As far as I was concerned, Jensen was just another dude that my sister was seeing, and would hopefully get tired of. It was all I had left because anything beyond that, I couldn’t fucking handle.

“Hey, I’m over here. I’m not Adriana or Jensen,” Cassie sarcastically joked, turning my face back towards her.

“I’m sorry, Blondie. I just—”

“I know. You hate your sister being with Jensen. Get over it.”

“How can you say that? That guy tried to sabotage you as well as me. He’s been a dick to us both.”

“And that’s in the past. Time to move forward, Alex.”

I hated when she was right, and I damn sure wouldn’t admit it, but she did have a point. Of course, that didn’t mean I was going to act on her words. For as much changing as I was doing, Alex was still very much alive, and the grudge I held for that fucker was stronger than ever.

++++

Back at work, Cassie was informed that her unit was slated to go to Iraq. It was times like these that I hated the fact that she was a Marine. After all of the bullshit that I had been through over in that hell hole, there was no way I could be okay with sending her over there, knowing I wouldn’t be there to protect her. Luckily, due to her pregnancy, she wouldn’t be deploying.

Angelica showed me a side of her that I hadn’t known existed. After the details of that party were explained to me, and what appeared to be sincerity in her congratulations for Cassie and me, I decided to cut the chick some slack, but not too much because I still didn’t fully trust her.

Vernon took a year-long assignment in North Africa, completely removing himself which left Leti alone since no one wanted anything to do with her. I’d received her congratulatory texts and her wishes of condolences, but I never gave her the satisfaction of a reply. I had no need to invite that bitch back into any aspect of my life, and alone and miserable is just what she deserved, so I made sure that was just what she got.

I sat at my desk, checking the incoming and outgoing rosters for the battery. I had to admit, besides the deployment, I liked this unit and actually enjoyed reporting to work every day. I wasn’t too far away from Cassie and the best thing was that I no longer lived behind shadows.

“Three-eleven, Kilo battery, Staff Sergeant Cruz speaking,” I spoke into the phone, after letting it ring a few times.

“Hey, I got a call from Captain Hedlund. He wants me to come to his office over lunch. You free to go with me?”

“I am now.”

“Okay, I’ll meet you over there.”

“I’ll pick you up. See you in a bit,” I rebuffed.

I was always protective of Cassie, but knowing that she had a piece of me growing inside of her, I was damn near smothering, and it didn’t bother me in the least bit. She took it for the most part, but every now and then that sassy little mouth of hers would come spewing out some bullshit orders that I pretended to listen to, but completely disregarded. My overbearing attitude was a permanent fuck up, one that I had no interest in trying to fix.

The blistering Twentynine Palms sun had gone into hibernation as the desert winter was finally beginning to settle in. We were nearing Christmas, and contrary to what many would expect, there was snow in the forecast. I rushed out to my truck and hurried over to Cassie’s work building, picking her up and heading off to Captain Hedlund’s office. I was still in awe every time I saw her. Her belly was starting to protrude just a bit, and I couldn’t hide the fucking smile that hit me every time I saw her that way.

I jumped out of the truck, then ran around the side to let her in, hurrying to get out of the thirty degrees weather.

“I can’t believe we’re still dealing with Allen’s shit and that his lawyers have stalled this long. I’m going to bust someone’s fucking teeth in if we don’t get some progress today.”

“Knock it off, Rambo. We just have to see what happens.”

“I don’t want to see what happens. I’m ready to erase that motherfucker from our lives. He’s lucky I haven’t disposed of him already.”

“He’s incarcerated, Alex.”

“You act like I don’t know people at the brig.”

Cassie rolled her eyes and shook her head. “Well, let’s just let the system take care of Allen.”

“The system sucks. If the system worked, that motherfucker would have been castrated by now.”

“Alex…”

“Don’t argue it, Cassie. People like him deserve that shit.”

She didn’t argue. I pulled into the stall, then rushed to her side and helped her out of the truck. The waiting room of base legal was damned near empty. There was a new front desk clerk, Private Renteria, who checked us in and led us back to Captain Hedlund’s office. His face was unreadable, leaving me to believe that whatever he wanted to discuss wasn’t going to be what I wanted to hear.