C. Brown - Compromising

“We may fight, but I love you like a brother, Alex. Come back home to us, please.” Nat pleaded, giving up on fighting the tears streaking her cheeks.

Alex held her close, whispering into her ear, but failing to soothe the tiny, tatted up bad girl. She finally pulled away at Riley’s insistence, then walked over to me and held me as she continued to allow tears to pour from her bloodshot eyes.

Riley and Alex gave each other the guy hug, holding on for a few elongated seconds before letting go. “Go get some,” Riley said, patting Alex on the back. “Then come home and make a million fucking babies with this girl over here, man.”

Alex laughed. “That’s the plan, dude. That’s the plan.” He looked around the garage and took in the surroundings one last time. “Take care of my house, motherfucker.”

“Will do,” Riley replied, stepping back and taking a still hysterical Nat from me.

Adriana, Alex and I made our way into the truck, waving goodbye to Riley and Nat as Alex pulled out and onto the street. With every mile we drove, my heart broke just a little bit more. I couldn’t believe that I was actually on my way to dropping him off to leave me for dangerous uncertainty. The thought was sickening, and as bile rose in my throat, I tried hard to push it down, needing the open air to help me do so.

When we pulled up, I saw it—the dreaded white bus. Every military spouse-or in my case, military member—knew the significance of the white bus. It was pleasure and pain, heaven and hell. It was either taking a piece of your life away or finally bringing it back.

There was an abundance of wives and family members there to see their Marine off. They were a small contingent, no more than about twenty guys leaving as reinforcements, but the family members filling that parking lot made it seem like so much more. This wasn’t the usual training deployment that carried significantly less danger. This was combat, and these guys were tasked to fill in spots left vacant by the deaths of our brothers. An ominous feel loomed over our spot; it was highly noticeable and couldn’t be avoided.

After Alex dropped off his bags and checked in, he finally made his way back over to where Adriana and I stood. He stepped in front of his sister first, pulling her into his arms as he held her tight and kissed the top of her head.

“I love you, hermana. Take care of yourself, and send me lots of pictures of Abel.”

I couldn’t look at them. The heavy lump in my throat had reemerged, making it difficult for me to swallow as tears that I had sworn wouldn’t see the light of day threatened to spill out. I looked around us, taking in the somber sight of wives crying on their husband’s shoulders and children clinging to their daddy’s legs as they cried out in vain, begging them not to go.

My promise was broken.

Tears trickled down my face, faster than I could stop them, and this time, I gave in. I let them fall because fighting them was of no use. They were coming, fast and furiously, and oddly, they helped to calm my fears.

Alex released Adriana from his arms and stepped over to where I stood. I smiled as I turned my face away from him, stupidly hoping that he wouldn’t see me cry. He took my chin in his hand, gently turning my face to meet his gaze. I stared at his honey-hued orbs through tear streaked eyes, taking in the love shining through. I laughed and smiled, feeling slightly embarrassed about my handling of this situation.

True, I was a Marine, and this was part of the job, but when I left home, I hadn’t had the tearful goodbye. My friends saw me off because my mom had been too high on pills to realize I was leaving. Now, it felt like the better part of my life was being taken away from me, and it hurt worse than anything I could have imagined.

“If you don’t stop this you’re going to make cry out here, Blondie,” Alex joked, lightly kissing away my tears. “I don’t want to look like a pussy in front of the guys.”

I giggled through my tears because it was all I could do.

“You know you’re everything to me. Everything. You’ll be on my mind every second of the fucking day while I’m out there.”

“I know,” I whispered, unable to muster much of a voice through my tears.

“I’m leaving my truck in your hands. Take care of my baby.”

My eyes bulged in shock. Alex was in love with his truck, so leaving it to me meant a hell of a lot. I tried to protest, but he cut me off.

“I love you more than anything else in this world, Cassie. My life has been a million times better since you’ve come in it, and I’d repeat every damn thing I’ve ever done if it brought me to you.”

“Let’s start loading up, Marines!” a man yelled.

“I altered some shit. I’m not stupid and naïve. I plan on doing everything in my power to come home to you, but in case I don’t make it—”

“Alex, no…”

“Listen to me, Cassie. This shit sucks, but it’s our reality. If I don’t make it, I’ve amended my life insurance and half of it is going to you. I want to make sure you’re taken care of.”

The talk of death and survivor’s benefits was like a stake to my heart. This was the last thing I wanted to hear him say just before leaving to a fucking bloody war zone. The tears poured out of me, making me lose my breath. Alex held my face and continuously kissed me.

“You’re my family, Cassie. You’re my future. If I make it home, I’m putting that ring on your finger, I’m filling you with babies, and I’m living out the rest of my life with you. You understand that?”

I nodded my head as the tears continued to flow. My stomach was a jumbled mess of nerves, twisting and turning on me, and my knees grew weak as I watched wives hold tightly to their inconsolable children. For a second, I was grateful that it was just Alex and me. I couldn’t imagine having a child thrown into this mix.

“They’re calling for you, Alex,” Adriana calmly stated.

Alex nodded to her then turned back to me and hugged me tight, holding on and whispering in my ear. “You’re my fucking world, my little mariposa. I love you.”

“I love you, too.” I cried, holding on for dear life and hoping that somehow I wouldn’t have to let go.

Alex kissed my head a couple of times before pulling back and looking me in my eyes. “You’re my motivation to get back, you understand me? You are what is going to fuel me. I’ll call you as often as I can. Sleep with that cell phone.”

“I will. I promise.”

We kissed one last time, long and hard before he pulled away for good. He walked, clad in cammies, marching proudly as he made his way to the dreaded bus. He stepped on, and my heart exploded. The tears came faster than I ever thought imaginable. Adriana and I held one another, crying together as Alex took his place on the bus and poked his head out the window. He waved goodbye as the engine roared to life.

The bus sat idle for only a minute before pulling out and taking the best thing that had ever happened to me away.

Never in a million years did I think I’d tear up the way I did walking away from Cassie. The emotional toll my leaving took on her surprised me, and not in a good way. The second her silent tears turned to garish sobs, my heart dropped and shattered, leaving me with the unfortunate task of having to leave her in the arms of my sister while I turned my back and walked away. That shit stung like a fucking wasp attack. It was singlehandedly the hardest thing I had ever done in my life, and probably the most painful to go along with it.

When I wasn’t sleeping, music took the space of idle time. Little did I know, Cassie had filled my phone with music and labeled it, A&Cs Playlist. She loaded our Secondhand Serenade song, along with some Metallica, Green Day, Soundgarden, Stone Temple Pilots, Weezer, and even some T.I. and Nelly. Listening made me miss her all over again. Long stretches of time were spent reminiscing about good and bad times with her. I needed to see her face, to remember her sweet, vanilla scent—but most of all, I just needed her.

After dozing, waking, dozing and waking, we finally landed in Kuwait. Jet lag was mixed in a deadly concoction of dread and loneliness. Fortunately, as soon as we arrived we were hustled off of one plane and onto another. It didn’t take long until we landed at Al Assad airbase, were loaded into vehicles, and convoyed to our base.

As I stared out the window, memories of this place—haunting, and mind numbing—came creeping back to mind. The relative calm as we drove through the barren desert blanketed the nightmares that I’d already come face to face with. I was back in the environment of secrecy. This was a place where right wasn’t always right, and wrong wasn’t always wrong. The person who smiled and waved at you during the day was the same person who shot at you at night. It was an ass backwards world, and I found myself right back in the thick of it.

Pulling up to the base was a surreal experience. Camp Fallujah held memories that I never wanted to remember. Unfortunately, for the next few months this would be my home. The gate guards were always on high alert, standing tall, M-16s in the ready position.

Maybe I hadn’t quite conditioned my mind for this environment. I’d been given such short notice for the deployment, and hadn’t mentally prepared for everything that this augmentation assignment would entail. Whatever happened, I knew I had to whip myself into fucking shape. My surroundings were my surroundings: hot, dark, sinister, and full of unwanted surprise. It was time to go back into survival mode if I wanted to make it home and back into Cassie’s arms.