I threw him off, and in another minute the positions were reversed.

‘Never!’ I said.

‘Never?’ said Wareham, adding his strength to Green’s.

They had me!

‘Oh, no, you don’t get up until you admit it,’ said Green, as I struggled.

‘Very well,’ I said, pretending I was beaten. ‘She is someone I met at Barton.’

They let me up and I dusted myself off before launching myself at Green, and then Wareham, catching them off guard and knocking them down one after the other.

We wrestled for some time until at last we were out of breath, and Green said, ‘Well, what is her name?’

‘A gentleman never bandies a lady’s name.’

‘Camilla,’ guessed Green.

‘Arabella,’ said Wareham.

‘Griselda!’ said Green.

‘If you must know, it is Marianne,’ I said, sitting up, for I knew that I could trust them and that her name would go no further; and, moreover, I was longing to speak of her.

‘Marianne,’ said Green thoughtfully.

‘Be still my beating heart!’ said Wareham, clutching his chest.

‘And is it serious?’ said Green.

The mood changed and they both looked at me expectantly.

‘Yes, I think it is,’ I said.

Green let out a whoop! and Wareham clapped me on the back.

‘At last! You have been unhappy for long enough,’ he said.

‘And look set to be unhappy for some time to come,’ I said. ‘The lady has no interest in me. The last time I saw her, she was besotted with Willoughby.’

‘She will not be so besotted when she discovers his true character,’ said Green. ‘You have only to tell her about Eliza and she will be cured of her affliction. No woman could love him after that.’

I sat down and rested my elbows on my knees.

‘It is not so easy,’ I said.

‘Why not? If you like her, and you can show him to be a scoundrel — ’

‘That is just why I cannot tell her. It cannot come from me or it would look like jealousy.’

‘Is that really the reason?’ asked Green, as he continued to look at me. ‘Or is it because you think that she would hate you for destroying her dreams?’

‘Both,’ I admitted.

‘Then what are you going to do?’ asked Wareham.

‘I am not sure. His presence in town is perhaps a sign that he has already tired of her, in which case she might already be aware of his true character, and she might even now be rejoicing in the fact that she has escaped him. And if not, I am hoping that she will soon realize his heart is not deep enough for her.’

‘And then you can court her,’ said Green.

‘Yes, I can.’

To court Marianne, I thought, and I smiled. What could life offer me that was better than that? Unless it was to win her.

Wareham was growing restless, for he was a man of action, not words, and he jumped up as soon as I had finished, saying, ‘Well, that is settled then. Just remember to invite us to the wedding! And now we must have something to eat! There is nothing like a duel to sharpen the appetite. You will stay for a second breakfast, Brandon?’

‘No,’ I said, rising, too. ‘I want to go and see Eliza, and then I am going to Delaford, to look at the cottages on my estate and decide which one of them would make the most suitable home for her.’

They bade me farewell and I went to Eliza’s lodgings, stopping at the shops on my way to buy her a new comb to cheer her. I chose one with a mother-of-pearl inlay, and I was rewarded by her delight in it.

‘It is so pretty,’ she said.

‘And how are you feeling today?’

‘Much better, and longing to be up again,’ she said.

‘It will not be long now.’

I told her I was going to Delaford to choose a cottage for her.

‘Oh, thank you,’ she said. ‘I am so weary of the town. I am longing to be in the country again. Even in the winter it is better than being here, where there are nothing but grey streets outside the window. Have the leaves fallen yet at Barton?’

‘They have just started to fall.’

‘I want to walk in the copse and kick the leaves and see them swirl up in the air and hear the dry crackle as they swish to the ground,’ she said with a sigh.

‘It will be soon, Eliza.’

I praised the baby, who was sleeping in the crib, before I left, and then set out for Delaford.



Tuesday 15 November

I have found a suitable cottage for Eliza, one I am persuaded she will like. It is a pretty building with a small garden, and it has views down the valley. I have given instructions for one or two improvements to be carried out, and as soon as she is well enough to travel, I mean to take her there.



Friday 18 November

I returned to town and told Eliza about her cottage. She was cheered by the news, and she is looking forward to the move.

I have some business to attend to, but then I will accompany her to Delaford, and afterwards I will return to Barton, where I hope to find that Miss Marianne has recovered from her infatuation with Willoughby, and that I can court her.

I want to arouse her interest in the wider world and to stimulate her intelligence, which must be wasting away with only Sir John and his family, good though they are, for company; I want to discuss with her books she has never thought of, poems she has never discovered; I want to show her places she has never been.

I want to open up the world for her, as her sensibility has opened it up once again for me.



Monday 21 November

I was walking down Bond Street this morning when I saw a familiar face, that of Mrs Jennings’s daughter, Charlotte; Charlotte Palmer as she is now, for of course she has married. After introducing me to her husband, a grave-looking young man of some five or six and twenty, with an air of fashion and sense, she told me that her mother, sister and brother-in-law were well, and that their children were thriving. And then she confounded me by saying:

‘There is a new family come to Barton Cottage, I hear, by the name of Dashwood. Mama sends me word they are very pretty, and that one of them is going to be married to Mr Willoughby, of Combe Magna.’

My spirits sank, and all my ideas of showing Marianne a wider world evaporated like the morning mist.

She was in love with him. She was going to marry him.

There was no hope for me.

Should I have told her? Should I have made her aware of his true character? Should I have prevented her engagement?

I was so lost in my thoughts that I scarcely heard the rest of Mrs Palmer’s speech, though she talked for some time, saying how glad she was to hear of the engagement; how everyone in Devonshire thought Mr Willoughby extremely agreeable; and how nobody was more liked than Mr Willoughby wherever he went.

She paused, and I roused myself, for it was necessary for me to say something, though I scarcely know what I said.

‘There will be another wedding in Barton before long, I dare say,’ she continued, and I forced myself to concentrate on her conversation. ‘Mama says that the Dashwoods have had a young man to stay, a Mr Edward Ferrars, and that he is sweet on Miss Dashwood.’

I remembered Miss Margaret saying that her sister had left someone behind, and that his name began with an F. It seemed likely that the elusive gentleman was Edward Ferrars, and if he was worthy of her, then I was happy for her.

But I could not concentrate for long, and I was glad when the Palmers left me.

Should I have spoken? Should I have said something?

I asked myself the questions again and again.

But it was fruitless to speculate.

Marianne was engaged to Willoughby. My chance to speak had gone.

She was lost to me.



Wednesday 7 December

Eliza is recovering her strength rapidly, and although I have not yet finished my business in London, tomorrow I mean to take her to Delaford. Her spirits are changeable, and I am persuaded that, once she is in the country, they will settle into a cheerful pattern.



Thursday 8 December

We travelled slowly, to make the journey easier for Eliza and the baby, and we both enjoyed the leisurely pace. The weather was fine and bright, with brilliant skies, and the countryside was beautiful in its bareness, with the traceries of small twigs showing up against the sky.

Saturday 10 December

We arrived at Delaford this afternoon, and we were glad to get out of the carriage. Eliza looked at her new home with happiness and walked round the garden, which was brightened by some colourful foliage, before going inside.

She was delighted with the house, and with the nursery, which I had had newly papered, and with her bedroom, which had a large window looking down the valley.

‘I will have to see about finding you a companion, but you have Susan and John to look after you for the moment, and I will be here as often as I can. You will want to rest now, I dare say, but I will call for you in the morning and we can go for a walk, if you are feeling well enough, and then we can go to the mansion house and you can choose some books from the library or whatever you wish.’

She thanked me with a smile and I left her arranging her new home.

And now it only remains for me to see her cheerfully settled and then I can return to London, to see to my unfinished business there.

1797

Tuesday 3 January

London is cold and damp. The sky is grey and the streets are dirty. I have diversion here but my spirits are low. I dined with Leyton this evening, but not even his cheerful company could lift my spirits. To have the hope of a life held out to me and then to have it dashed ... I am sick of the winter, and sick of England. I think I will travel as soon as the spring arrives.