Unbelievable.  I crossed my arms beneath my breasts and stared at my mother as if she’d grown a second head.  Completely at a loss of how to respond, I gave up in disgust and headed to the bath for a very long soak in the tub.

I made sure to shout extra loud down the hall so she could hear me before I slammed the bathroom door.  “Missed your calling, Mum!  You should’ve been an actress on the stage!”

While the tub was filling, I rang my brother on my mobile.

“How’s my baby sister?”  He sounded quite cheery on the other end and I could hear background noise that sounded like he was probably in the pub.

“Fuck you, Ian.”

“Yeah, well this is not the first time today I’ve heard that exact sentiment—”

“Why am I not surprised?” I yelled, right before I hung up on him.

During my bath I had some time to think without other distractions getting in my way.  The shock of seeing Neil again was powerful, and the hurt was still there.

Definitely still there.

Seeing him daily was going to be very hard on me.  Oh god, how on earth would I do it?  Could I do it?  I didn’t want to give up my job but thought I might have to.

I really didn’t know anything about Neil’s life since our break up, other than that he’d respected my wishes and never tried to come after me.  He’d read my letter and done as I’d asked.  How could he have left Cora after she was having his baby?  I knew he wouldn’t have been able to do it, and I was right.  I’d seen her coming out of the clinic right before I was off for Italy and she was already showing, a nice little baby bump on her neat tidy figure.  That was Neil’s baby growing inside her.  His child, that he would never abandon.

I didn’t know he’d landed a fabulous job in London after the army.  I’d always imagined he’d made a career in the military all these years, because he’d already achieved rank of Captain last I’d known.

To be fair though, I’d told my mother and brother, that if they tried to interfere or pass along messages from or about Neil, I’d never forgive them for it.  I’d announced my plans to take be an au pair and said I wouldn’t be sharing the details of our breakup, so not to ask.  They had honored my wishes apparently.  I’d known back then, that I’d never be able to hear all about his life after me, and survive.  Letting him go early in our relationship had been the better choice for my survival.  Moving on to a life without him had been terrifying and agonizing for me, but it was better than killing us both slowly.

I knew things about myself and about my feelings for Neil.  Hell, I had the evidence of him, and what he’d meant to me tattooed on my back.

I knew I’d be unable to share him with Cora, or even his child, the instant she gave us her big reveal.  No possible way I’d ever manage it.  I am not perfect, but I’m honest about things I know to be fact.   It would have killed me to stay, and I would have become bitter and vindictive, and destroyed Neil’s love for me anyway.

It was clear from his reactions that they’d been together and made a baby.  He never denied it to me so I knew it was true.  I forgave Neil that part of it.  We weren’t together when he slept with Cora, and he’d just come home from a long lonely tour.  I understood.  But, I also understood that Neil would never abandon a child that was his.  I knew his character, and with the way he’d been abandoned by his father as a boy, he’d never do the same to his own.

I stood to get out of the tub and reached for a towel.  As I did I saw my cherry blossoms reflected in the mirror.  On my back, right shoulder, where they would always stay.  Why had I gotten it done?

Selfishness.

It was my little part of us to keep forever.  Cherry blossoms in sky blue.  My memory.  Mine alone, that nobody could ever take away from me.

I hoped Neil was happy now.  I truly wanted that for him, but it didn’t change what I had to do for myself in order to survive the loss of him.

I knew what I knew.  I’d have been completely unable to share him with Cora, no matter how limited their relationship.  She would forever hold a piece of him, and I would covet that precious part of him that had been stolen from me.  The familiarity Neil would have had to maintain with Cora surely would have poisoned our love and torn it down until there was nothing beautiful left.  Just heartache.  And cruel jealousy.  And hurt.  I couldn’t do that to Neil.  He didn’t deserve it after the childhood he’d lived through.

It made me a horrible person, true, but I could live with that understanding about myself.  I was selfish when it came to love.  I was selfish with Neil.  And I just couldn’t bear to endure the pain I would have brought to us both.

His child would be five years old now.  I wondered about that baby.  Boy or girl?  Dark chocolate eyes with blonde hair, or more like Cora with her strawberry-blonde curls and light eyes?  Had Mum and Ian met the child?

I finished drying off and hung up the towel.  As I shrugged into my robe, I left the right shoulder off and studied my tat once more in the mirror.  It was a beautiful piece of art.  I had no regrets about having it now, or ever.  My tiny little piece of Neil’s love safely preserved in my skin.

The only bit I had left.

Despite the fact I wanted to kill him, I was still sittin’ at the bar getting pissed with him regardless.

Ian set down his mobile and hung his head.  “Everyone keeps telling me to sod off today.  That was Elaina by the way.”

So Elaina was angry too.  Well great, we had some common ground at least.  We’d both had the earth ripped out from beneath us.  I poked Ian in the shoulder.

“Why?  Why the f-fuck did you bring her to BSI…?  Why’d you do th-that?”  Four pints in and I was really pissed drunk.  Good thing I’d walked here because I sure as fuck wasn’t able to drive.  “Yer tryin’ to kill me, brother?”  I slurred another question at him.

Ian waved me off with his hand like I was a distracting gnat buzzing around his head. “The two of you are fuckin’ ridiculous with your pining and your tats and your lost love.  Get over it already, and do somethin’ about it, why don’t you.”  Ian narrowed his eyes to focus.  He was at least as drunk as me.  “Mum and I couldn’t stand either one of you anymore so we helped you along a bit.  Just a li’l bit o’ help, is all.”

“Well, that was fuckin’ stupid of you then.  She doesn’t want anthin’ to do with me, an’ now we have t-to work t-together.”

“No, yer fuckin’ s-stupid.  She’s in love with you st-still.  An’ you are with her.  I’ve seen yer cherry blossom tats an’ how you are when the other person’s name comes up.”  He tapped his head and nearly stabbed himself in the eyeball.  “I see things.  I know things.”

I grabbed him by the collar of his shirt.  “Don’t you tell her about the tat or I’ll b-b-bash you, Ian.”

Ian’s face cracked an enormous grin.  “Yer such a fuckin’ idiot right now.  Ya don’t know much do ya?”

“What tha bloody h-h-hell does that mean?”

“I’ll let ya figure it out on yer own, b-brother, but I’ll s-s-say this much…”  He poked a finger into my forehead.  “Yer not tha only one with ch-cherry blossom t-tattoos.”

* * *

The words of the song hit me like a brick to the head as I listened to Hendrix on Spotify.  Music was part of my life and I couldn’t imagine being without it, but today the lyrics fit too perfectly with the reality of what had happened with Elaina and me.  It did nothing for me.  But make the ache more persistent.

A broom is drearily sweeping

Up the broken pieces of yesterday’s life