Nicole Edwards - Chasing Dreams

“No need to apologize, Tessa. I can’t imagine the pain you’ve been through. My circumstances were different. And yes, they hurt, but I’m not comparing my life to yours. I hate that you’ve had to go through all of that, and if it were in my power to change things, I would. But, Tessa,” Cooper’s hand tightened on her jaw just a bit, “everything that’s happened to you has made you who you are. And you’re a remarkable woman who has the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever met. I wouldn’t want that to change.”

A tear leaked down her cheek, and Tessa wanted to brush it away, but Cooper did so first, his thumb caressing her cheek. Was it even possible that he didn’t hold all of this against her? Would he change his mind after he had time to think it over?

They sat in silence for a few more minutes, Cooper’s strong arms around her, making her feel safe, secure for the first time in as long as she could remember. Maybe it was the night or the man or possibly both, but Tessa suddenly felt the urge to talk.

“Richie was always the sensible one. The guy who liked to have fun, but he walked the straight and narrow. When we fell in love, I think he was worried about what that meant because I was hell on wheels. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t keep me in line.

“We broke up several times during the years we dated, especially when I was still in high school after he graduated, but I think we both knew that we’d eventually be together forever.” The tears were steadily streaming down Tessa’s cheeks, but she didn’t try to wipe them away. It would’ve been pointless. “By the time I was a junior in high school, my mother had already been diagnosed with depression, but she didn’t take her medicine like she was supposed to. I hated being at home, seeing her like that.”

Tessa still felt like the worst daughter any mother could have because rather than trying to help her mother, she’d managed to put distance between them.

“So, I was gone from home more than I was there, and much of the time I would stay with Richie, even though he had to sneak me in his window at night. I knew he hated doing that because his parents would’ve been devastated to know their son was lying to them, but he did it anyway. For me.

“I hated working for other people, didn’t do well with authority of any kind, so after I graduated from high school I would jump from job to job. As much as I hated my father for not having anything to do with me or Adam, when he died and left us The Rusty Nail, I knew it was an opportunity I couldn’t pass up. After talking to Richie, I decided I would go for it. I didn’t go to college, both because I was broke but also because I didn’t want to. I hated school but I still managed to graduate. I just couldn’t see myself sitting in class again, so I refused.

“Taking over the bar was supposed to be easy, or at least that’s what I told myself. I mean it’s a bar, right? How hard could it be? Well, I soon learned that it wasn’t just serving drinks. There was the inventory and accounting, taxes and licenses. I learned real quick that I couldn’t just sit back and hope it worked out. So, I took Richie’s college textbooks, and I studied them.” Tessa laughed and sobbed at the same time. “He never even knew I did it, but I wanted to successfully run the bar and I knew I had to learn somehow. So, between his textbooks and the internet, I taught myself the accounting software. I found out I was pretty good at it.”

Cooper’s arm tightened around her, and Tessa relaxed. For the first time in as long as she could remember, she felt lighter all of a sudden. Everything she’d held inside for so long was spilling out, and she felt as though Cooper wasn’t judging her.

God, she prayed he wasn’t judging her because she couldn’t bring herself to stop talking.

Cooper held Tessa close, the only thing he paid attention to was the sound of her voice and the heartbreaking story she was telling him. He wouldn’t interrupt because as hard as he knew it was on her to talk about her past, he knew she’d bottled everything up inside for so long that she needed to get it out.

“When Richie finally asked me to marry him, I was ecstatic. I felt like I’d finally made him proud of me. So, needless to say, we got married. It wasn’t anything elaborate and my mother didn’t even come to the wedding, not that I had invited her. Richie’s parents were there and so was Adam since they were friends.”

Cooper couldn’t imagine his parents not being at his wedding. The thought of Tessa getting married without the love and support of her family there with her made his heart hurt.

“We’d only been married for a couple of months when I got pregnant, and the idea of having a baby was the most wonderful thing that could’ve happened to me. To us.”

Tightening his arm around her, Cooper pressed his lips against the top of her head as another shudder wracked her body.

“I was only fourteen weeks when I started spotting and cramping really badly. We went to the doctor, and he said I was miscarrying, and there wasn’t anything that could be done.”

When her body started to shake uncontrollably, Cooper felt his own tears forming in his eyes. She was breaking his heart right in two and he wanted to ease her pain, but he knew there was nothing he could do but let her get it all out.

“I – I wanted my baby more than anything in the world.” Tessa hiccupped. “I begged God, pleaded with Him to let me have my baby.”

Tessa’s sobs wracked her body, and she couldn’t speak for several minutes, but Cooper didn’t rush her. He held her, letting her feel the warmth of his body against hers, waiting until she was able to continue.

“After that, I refused to get pregnant again. I couldn’t handle losing another child. Richie and I managed to get through each day, but things weren’t easy between us for a while. I probably wouldn’t have made it through it without him. He always made sure that I knew he loved me, that he was there for me. Until him, I had never known that kind of love. Never had someone to ensure I understood just what I meant to them.”

Cooper made a vow right then and there that Tessa would always know exactly how he felt about her. She’d had that love only once in her life, and it had come from her husband. He’d never be able to compete with the first man she’d loved, and he would never try to. But Tessa had so much more love inside of her and Cooper wanted to be the man she gave the rest of her heart to.

When she was silent for long minutes, Cooper shifted so that he could look down at her face. Her eyes were closed, the tears leaving streaks on her pale cheeks. Lifting her face gently, he pressed a soft kiss against her mouth. “I’m here, Tessa. I’ve got you.”

Another round of sobs shook her, but when Tessa’s arms wrapped around him, and she held on for dear life, Cooper’s world shifted on its axis. He loved this woman. Heart and soul.

Cooper had no idea how long he and Tessa ended up sitting outside the night before. He’d held her until his ass was numb from sitting on the ungiving wood porch, but he would’ve endured hours more if she’d have needed him to. They hadn’t moved an inch until Izzy and Eric came around the house to let them know they were heading home. Tessa had felt terrible and told them as much, but her friends had told her not to worry. Cooper knew she had anyway.

After checking in with Dalton, Cooper had taken Tessa inside, making sure the dogs had a place to sleep before he took her to his bedroom. At that point, they’d talked for several more hours, and this morning, as he lay with Tessa in his arms, he felt as though he knew her better than he knew anyone else. And vice versa.

They’d been open and honest with one another, more so than Cooper had expected. She’d answered every question he’d asked, and he’d done the same. They talked about high school, friends, enemies, and even some of the rowdy things they’d both done at that age. And she was right, according to her stories, she’d been hell on wheels as a teenager, but then again, so had he. The difference between them was that he had come from a loving home where he’d been the center of his parents’ attention. Hers was the opposite. And he understood her better now.

He didn’t pretend to know what it felt like to grow up the way Tessa had, but he assured her that it wasn’t her fault. He’d been just as rowdy, and he didn’t have his parents to blame. Cooper wasn’t sure Tessa would ever fully forgive herself for the things she’d done, but he tried to summarize all of the ways she had turned herself around based on everything he knew about her.

She had explained how she volunteered as a youth counselor at her church, how she had continued to work for Mr. Deluth – for free, mind you – years after her punishment had been lifted. She told him how she still helped with the Austin Police Department’s Blue Santa program every year around the holidays and how she selflessly helped at one of the no-kill animal shelters in the neighboring town, which was, in fact, where she’d found Havoc and Harmony.

Tessa was the most generous person he’d ever met. Every single thing she did was for someone else because she had this illogical belief that she had to pay everyone back for the things she’d done as a teenager. Cooper admired all of the things she did, and finally, he had convinced her to see that she did those things because she wanted to, not because she had to. For once, she had agreed with him.

And at that point, even though they were both exhausted, Cooper wasn’t sure he’d be able to let Tessa sleep. When he gave in to the urge to put his hands on her, she’d been too worried that Dalton would hear them, so he had held off on tormenting her, choosing rather to make love to her only once before they crashed just after four in the morning.