“I wouldn't be hanging out,” Tanya said quietly, “I'd be working. It would have been a nice opportunity, if it had come a year later. But even then, I wouldn't want to leave your father.”

“Don't you care about us at all? We need you here. Molly and I are applying to college this year. Who's supposed to help us with that if you're gone? Or don't you care, Mom?” There were tears in her eyes as Megan said it, and in Tanya's as she listened. It was a painful exchange, and Peter was quick to intervene.

“I'm not sure any of you know what an honor this is. Douglas Wayne is one of the biggest producers in the business.” He listed all the stars then. Jason whistled, and reminded his mother he'd like to meet them all.

“I don't know them,” his mother said somberly. “I don't know why we're doing this.” There was no point upsetting the children with a family meeting. All it could do was worry them, in her opinion. And for what? Her decision had been made. She was staying home with them. In spite of that, Peter thought it was important that they know about the offer. But why? Megan had just said everything Tanya was afraid of hearing, and thought herself. If she accepted the offer, at least one of her children would hate her, and in time, maybe they all would. Jason certainly didn't seem upset. And Molly was always generous of heart and thought. Megan said in no uncertain terms that she would never forgive her mother if she went. Tanya believed her. Peter said she would get over it, and he would be there to help and take care of them while Tanya was out of town.

“I can't disrupt our family to this extent,” she said grimly after their children left the room. “They'll never forgive me, and maybe after a while, you'll hate me, too,” she said, looking worried. Jason had wished her luck and said he hoped she went. Molly had given her a big hug and said she was proud of her, and Megan stormed out and slammed the door. She slammed three more doors on the way to her room.

“No one's going to hate you, sweetheart,” Peter said as he put an arm around her shoulders. “You may hate yourself though if you pass it up. I don't think you can count on this ever happening again, particularly if you turn this one down.”

“I'm sure it won't,” Tanya said calmly. “I don't need to do a feature. That was just a pipe dream years ago. I'm happy with my short stories and soaps.” She made enough money to help Peter, and loved her work. She didn't need or want more than that. And Megan's reaction had told her all she needed to know.

“You're capable of better than soaps, Tan. Why not do it while you have the chance?”

“You heard Megan. I can't sacrifice her for a film. That's so wrong.”

“She doesn't have a right to keep you from something that's important to you. And she'll be here with me. She'll get over it. She's not even going to notice if you're here. She's with her friends all the time. And you can help her with her college applications on weekends.”

“Peter …” Tanya looked at him with wide eyes. “No. Don't push me. I appreciate what you tried to do, but even if they all thought it was wonderful, I couldn't do it. I can't leave them, and I won't leave you. I love you. Thank you,” she said, as she stood up and put her arms around him, and he hugged her.

“You're going to hate being a Marin housewife after this. Every day you're going to think that you could have been there, working on a movie that will probably win an Academy Award. You can't let the kids make this decision, Tanya. You have to make it.”

“I already did. I vote for staying home, and doing what I do now, with the people I love.”

“We'll still love you if you go to L.A. I will. And even Megan will forgive you. She'll be very proud. We all will.”

“No,” Tanya said again, and meant it, as she and Peter looked at each other for a long time. “Sometimes you have to give up something you want, because it's the right thing to do for the people you love.”

“I want you to do this,” he said gently. “I know how important it could be for you. I don't want you to give that up, for me or the kids. It would be wrong. Very wrong. I'd never forgive myself if I kept you from this.”

Tanya looked at him with frightened eyes. “What if it screws up our marriage? It might be even harder than we think,” and she expected it to be very hard.

“Unless you fall in love with some handsome movie star, I can't see it screwing anything up between us, Tan. Can you? I'll just be sitting here waiting for you.”

“I would miss you unbearably,” she said, as a tear slid down her cheek. She felt like a kid being sent away to school, for their own good. She didn't want to leave him. She loved the idea of writing the script, but she was scared. She hadn't been out in the world on her own in twenty years.

“I'd miss you, too,” Peter said honestly. “But sometimes, Tan, you have to be brave enough to grow. You have a right to do something like this, without it costing you anything. I wouldn't love you less for doing this. I would be very, very proud of you, and I'd love you more.”

“I'm scared,” she whispered, as she clung to him, and tears began to pour down her face. “And what if I can't do it? This isn't some silly daytime soap, this is the big leagues. What if I'm only a minor league player?”

“You're not, baby. I know that. And so do you, I hope. That's why I want you to do it. You need to spread your wings and fly. You've been preparing for this for so many years. Don't deprive yourself of it, for me or the kids. Go for it,” he said, and kissed her hard. It was the greatest gift he could give to her, and as Tanya looked at him through her tears, she could see that there were tears in his eyes.

“I love you,” she whispered to him as he held her, “so much …oh Peter … I'm so afraid …”

“Don't be, sweetheart. I'll be here waiting for you, and so will the kids … even Megan … we'll come down and visit you, and you'll be home on weekends. If you get stuck there, we'll come down. Or at least I will for sure. It'll be over before you know it, and you'll be glad you did it.” It was the most generous gesture she had ever known.

“You're the most remarkable man in the world, Peter Harris. I love you so much …”

“Just remember that when movie stars start knocking on your door.”

“They won't,” she said, continuing to cry, “and I don't care if they do. I could never love anyone in the whole world as I do you.”

“Me too,” he said, holding her so tightly she could hardly breathe. “Will you do it, Tan? Hit a home run for the team.” He pulled away so he could look into her eyes. Her eyes were terrified when they met his. She didn't say a word to him. All she did was nod, cry harder, and cling to him like a frightened child, afraid of leaving home.





Chapter 3




They broke the news to the children at Lake Tahoe in August. The reactions were similar to what they had been previously. Molly was supportive and proud of her, Jason couldn't wait to visit her. And Megan didn't speak to her for the next three weeks. She told her in a venomous tone that she would never forgive her, and every time Tanya saw her, she was crying. Megan said it was the worst thing that had ever happened to her in her life. Her mother was abandoning her. A hundred times in the four weeks they were there, Tanya said she was going to call Walt and tell him she was backing out. But Peter wouldn't let her. He said that Megan would get over it, and it was good that she was venting. Tanya felt like a child abuser every time she looked at her, and cried nearly as often as Megan did.

It was a bittersweet time, Jason's last summer before college. His friends came and went, driving up from the city to stay with them. And every moment Tanya spent with him and his father seemed precious now. She had some wonderful long talks with Molly as they went on hikes. Megan avoided them, whenever their mother was around. She only started speaking to her again, and only out of dire necessity, in the last few days before they went home. They had a big family barbecue and invited friends on the last night.

Afterward she and Peter chatted as they cleaned up. She only had ten days left before she had to leave for L.A. Tanya had told Douglas Wayne that she couldn't come to L.A. until after she dropped her son off at school. She wanted to be there with Peter to settle him into his dorm. The girls were coming, too, and after that Peter would drive them home. Tanya was being met by a limo at the Santa Barbara Biltmore, and driven to L.A. Their tearful goodbyes would be there, if Megan didn't kill her first.

The last days before Tanya and Jason left were tough. She helped him pack his bags, and got everything ready for him for school. Laptop, bicycle, sound system, sheets, blankets, pillows, bedspread, photographs of the family, sports equipment, some things to hang on his walls, a desk lamp, and rug. She wasn't sure if she was more upset about dropping Jason off, or leaving them after that herself. She was taking far fewer things than she packed for him. She had no plans to do anything but work. She packed one hanging bag and a small suitcase, mostly with running shoes, sweatshirts, and jeans. She thought about it long and hard and finally took one pair of decent slacks, two cashmere sweaters, and a black cocktail dress, in case she had to go to some formal event with the cast. And she packed a million pictures of the kids in frames to put all over her bungalow at the Beverly Hills Hotel. She already knew she was going to be staying in Bungalow 2, her home for the next many months. It had two bedrooms so the kids could visit her, a small office, a living room, and a dining room, with a little pantry kitchen set up, although she couldn't imagine cooking for herself while she was there. It was going to be the first time she lived alone in twenty years. She couldn't even imagine it, and Peter teased that both of them were going off to school.