“Yes, it was. First time. It was kind of a shock.”

“It always is. No matter who you are. Trust issues. Relationships aren't easy, whether you're married or not.” He smiled at her over the last of their dinner. “That's why I avoid them at all costs. It's easier being a free agent, and keeping things light.” There was nothing light about her life, or her marriage, or the way she felt about Peter, and Douglas knew that. “I know that's not your style.”

“No, it's not,” she said with a sad smile. “I think coming down here put us to the test. It's a lot to ask to be gone for nine months, and only home for occasional weekends. It's been hard on Peter, and my girls. It's a shame it didn't happen next year. But it still would have been hard on him.”

“Maybe it will strengthen the marriage,” Douglas said as he paid the check. He didn't look as though he believed what he was saying, or even that he cared. Tanya was a foreign breed to him. He was fascinated by her, but he didn't really understand the value of the life she led, or why she wanted it so much. It sounded fatally boring and mundane to him. “Or maybe you'll find that you've outgrown each other,” he said carefully, “or that you've outgrown him.”

“I don't think that's the case,” Tanya said quietly. “I think this is just hard.” Harder yet now that Peter had added Alice to the mix. “We'll deal with it,” she said, and wished she was convinced. She was quiet as they left the restaurant, and stood on the sidewalk for a minute, discussing the script again, and then Douglas looked down at her gently.

“I'm sorry you're going through a hard time, Tanya.” This time he looked as though he meant it. He could see how upset she was, and he felt sorry for her. She was a nice person, and she looked genuinely pained. “It happens to us all. If I can do anything for you, let me know.”

“I'd like to really try to get home for weekends for a while, without letting down anyone here.”

“I'll do what I can,” he said, and then got into his car as she got into her limo. He roared off in the Ferrari, and she went back to the hotel. She felt lonely when she walked into her bungalow. She missed Peter, and called him on his cell. He picked it up right away, as though he were waiting for her call.

“Oh…hi…,” he said, as though he was surprised that it was her, and her heart sank.

“Who did you think it was?” She was instantly suspicious now.

“I don't know … you, I guess. I was just talking to the girls.” She wondered if he had been expecting a call from Alice, or even someone else. She hated how she felt about him now. She distrusted his every word. “How was your day?”

“Long. We were on the set till eight. I just talked to Douglas about the script over sushi. They keep wanting more changes.” She was going to stay home in the morning to do the work he wanted. The next three months until they finished the film looked like an endless stretch of road ahead of her. And two months of postproduction made it seem like an eternity until she could be home full-time again. She had no idea if their marriage would hold up to the strain. She was beginning to doubt it. She felt sick when she thought of the months ahead, and what Peter and Alice had done. She had never expected this to happen. She had thought they were solidly married forever, and now everything was up in the air. Even though Peter had agreed to end the affair with Alice, Tanya was terrified the damage he had done was too great. “How was your day?” She tried to sound normal when she talked to him, but nothing felt right anymore. They felt awkward with each other, and her voice was filled with pain.

“Long, too, but it was okay.” And then his voice softened. “I miss you, even though everything's a mess right now. I'm sorry, Tan. I'm sorry I fucked it all up.” He sounded near tears as he said it. He had gone back to their room and was sitting on the bed talking to her. He was lonely, and she was, too.

“Hopefully, we'll fix it.” Her voice was gentle. “I miss you too. I love you.” And then she had an idea. “Do you want to come down one night this week, for the night?” They needed something like that. A little romance in their lives, to strengthen the bond again.

“I don't think I can,” he said, sounding depressed. “I have meetings all week, and I don't want to leave the girls.” And now Alice wasn't next door to keep an eye on them, or help them if they had a problem.

“They could stay with friends,” Tanya suggested.

“I'll see. Maybe next week. This week is a killer.”

“It was just a thought.”

“It was a nice thought.”

“I'll try to get home this weekend. I promise. I said something about it to Douglas, that I really need to get home. I hope they don't schedule any meetings on Saturday. Even if they do, I'll come home right after.” She thought it was important to be home for the moment, to try and shore up the damage that had been done.

As it turned out, there were no weekend meetings that week. She didn't know if Douglas had done that for her, or they didn't need them. But she got out promptly on Friday afternoon, and was in Ross by dinnertime. Peter looked pleased to see her, and the girls were delighted to see their mom, and then went out with friends. She and Peter went to a little Italian restaurant they liked in Marin for a late dinner, and things felt almost normal when they came home. The week had done them good. The dust was starting to settle. They didn't make love that night, but for the first time in weeks they cuddled, and then finally the next morning they made love for the first time since his affair with Alice. It was sad but sweet, and there was a gentle, bittersweet quality to it, as though they were both reaching out and trying to find each other again. She had to force herself not to think that he had done the same things with Alice. She didn't let herself think about it, as she lay in his arms afterward and closed her eyes. He was afraid to ask her what she was thinking. He just wanted things to be all right between them again. He hoped they would be. All he could do was try to repair the damage he had done.

Tanya opened her eyes and looked at him. There was a small, sad smile on her lips. “I love you, Peter.”

“Me too,” he said, and kissed her gently on the mouth. “I love you, Tan … I'm so sorry.” She nodded, trying not to think that his I love you sounded like goodbye.





Chapter 13




Tanya made it home for three weekends in a row in January, and things started to feel normal with Peter again. She knew he was trying to make amends, and she was relieved to see week after week that Alice hadn't come back. It helped. She never wanted to see her again, which was of course impossible, since she lived next door. But the longer she stayed away, to break the spell, the better chance Tanya and Peter had to regain their marriage.

The fourth weekend she couldn't come home, but Peter said it was fine. He was preparing for a trial, the girls had plans, and the weather had been terrible all week. More than likely her flight would have gotten canceled or delayed. There had been storms up and down the state, and he said Tanya was better off in L.A. She had a lot of work to do, too. More script changes, and they were doing location shots for the next few weeks that were going to be difficult. They were estimating that the picture would end in six or seven weeks. She could hardly wait. She would be home then for two weeks, and then back to work on postproduction with the editors and Max. She had been in L.A. for five months by then, with roughly four more to go, maybe less. She felt as though she had given blood for this picture. Or maybe worse, her marriage. But things were slowly improving with Peter. Their three weekends together had helped them a lot, and Tanya was grateful she'd been able to get home.

At the end of the following week, she got a nasty case of flu, or food poisoning, and couldn't get home either. It was another week before she got home, which coincidentally was Valentine's Day. She had bought Peter a red tie with hearts on it, and a box of his favorite candy, and cute nightgowns for the girls and some T-shirts from Fred Segal's. She was carrying all of it in a shopping bag, when she got out of the cab in front of their house. She had wanted to surprise Peter, so she hadn't called him, and as she got out of the cab, she saw him coming out of Alice's house, and he had his arm around her waist. They were laughing when he looked up and saw Tanya staring at them. Tanya stood still for a moment, and then with her head down, she hurried into the house. She was standing in the kitchen, shaking, when Peter found her. He looked frightened.

“I see Alice is back,” Tanya said as she looked at him. She made no accusations, but they had looked totally at ease with each other, and she had noticed that Alice had a new hairdo. “When did she come home?”

“About ten days ago,” he said, sounding solemn. He knew what Tanya thought. It hadn't happened yet, but they had spent some time together and talked about what had happened two months before. They were both still trying to understand it, and figure out what it meant, if it had been an accident or something more important for either of them.

“Alice looks good,” Tanya said in a flat voice, wanting to ask if he had already slept with her, but she didn't dare. He could hear the question without her voicing it. It was obvious what she thought.

“Nothing's happened, Tan. She's sick,” he said with a serious expression. “She had a check-up when she got back, and they found a lump in her breast. She had a lumpectomy last week, and they're starting radiation in a few weeks.” He sounded worried, and Tanya looked into his eyes.