Soup of the Day

$3.75

Oh my God, I am so fired. I can’t believe how fired I am. Why did I have to start crying during the

Guacamole

$3.75

interview? Why didn’t I think to turn the tape off before I started bawling my head off?

Sweet Plantains

$3.75

Why can’t I be like the T.O.D.? SHE would never cry while firing someone. But I don’t WANT to be

Yucca Fries

$2.75

like the T.O.D. I hate her. I should just quit. Now I have to find a new job on top of a new apt. and

Nachos with Cheese

$3.95

boyfriend. WHY IS EVERYTHING BAD HAPPENING TO ME ALL AT ONCE???? And why

Nachos with Jalapenos

$4.95

can I never find my journal when I need it? Which begs the question, where is it? What if

Nachos with Beef

$5.95

Amy or one of the housekeeping staff finds it? And reads it? Then I will be fired for sure. And

Nachos Grandes

$6.95

where the hell is Jen? She said to meet at Lupe’s after work, and so I’m here but she’s not, and now I

Salsa Cruda

$1.50

am sitting here by myself pretending to be jotting important business notes on this menu so that creepy

Quesadillas

$3.50

guy in the corner won’t come over here and start talking to me. Must try to appear like imp. business

Quesadilla Grandes

$6.95

woman with no time for casual flirtation in Mexican restaurant. Oh my God, what if Jen doesn’t come

Mini Quesadilla Grandes

$5.95

and I end up having to eat here by myself and that guy comes over and tries to join me and it turns out

House Salad

$3.95

he’s the vestibule rapist and he follows me back to Jen’s building and pulls a knife on me? Thank

Mexican Salad

$5.95

God I took that self-defense class through the Staff Resource Program. Won’t he be surprised when

Mexican Grilled Chicken Salad

$8.25

I break his nasal cartilage with an upthrust heel of the hand and send it back into his brain stem, instantly

Mexican Bean Salad

$6.95

paralyzing him? Although on the whole I would much rather just meet Jen for drinks like we planned.

Sides

Oh, God, I need a beer. Poor Mrs. Lopez! I guess she is looking for a job now, too. Only she has

Chips

$1.00

a lot more chance than I do of getting something decent. Those cookies were delicious, anybody

Spanish Rice

$1.75

would hire her in a minute, whereas I am totally useless. I can only type 35 words per minute and God

Jalapenos

$1.00

knows I can’t supervise, my people skills are for shit, I can’t even get a decent boyfriend let alone tell

Sour Cream

$1.00

people how to do their jobs. It is such a joke, the paper hiring me, it is just a wonder I have even

Chopped Onion

$1.00

lasted this long, at this point I should just—Oh, there’s Jen, THANK GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Kate,

Sorry to leave a note taped up to the door like this (hi, Jen, hi, Craig), but it’s not like you’ve really given me much of an alternative. I mean, if you’d stop screening your calls at work and on your cell and pick up once in a while, I wouldn’t have to pull this stalkery crap. I’ve seriously got to talk to you, I’m going crazy here. You won’t return my messages, and every time I try to reach you at Jen’s, she says you’re out. I know you’re not out, I know you’re probably sitting right there on the couch right now watching freakingCharmed, or whatever.

Anyway, about that whole One Day at a Time thing. Look, maybe we WILL be together forever. Or maybe we won’t. I mean, I’m not omission. I can’t see into the future. I don’t know what’s going to happen.

Why can’t things go back to being the way they were, you know? How come all of a sudden we have to put, like, these labels on things? I mean, like why is it so important to you that I say I’ll love you forever? Why can’t I just say I love you, like, for now? Why isn’t that enough, all of a sudden? It was enough for the past ten years.

Katie, COME HOME. I miss you. The guys miss you, too.

Love,

Dale

P.S. I could really use your advice. The studio’s being really assholish, they’re trying to make us change our name from I’m Not Making Any More Sandwiches to just Sandwich. What kind of name is that for a band? Who’s gonna buy a record from a band called Sandwich?

Hi, you’ve reached Kate and Dale. We can’t come to the phone right now, so at the tone, please leave a message, and we’ll get back to you. Thanks!

(Tone)

Dale, you have got to change that message. I don’t live there anymore, remember? Anyway, about your note . . . Oh my God, I don’t even know why I called. Just forget it, okay? Nothing’s changed, I just—Oh, never mind.

(Click)

Hi, you’ve reached Kate and Dale. We can’t come to the phone right now, so at the tone, please leave a message, and we’ll get back to you. Thanks!

(Tone)

Oh my God, you have got to change that message. It’s Jen, by the way. You remember me, right? Your ex-girlfriend’s best friend? The word is

omniscient,

buddy, not

omission.

Got it? Good. Oh, also, don’t come around here anymore. You just make Kate sad. And no, I’m not drunk right now, but am totally hopped up on hormones, so you’d better be scared, because I swear to God, if I catch you around here again, I’ll—

(Click)

 

(Tone)

Hi, you’ve reached Kate and Dale. We can’t come to the phone right now, so at the tone, please leave a message, and we’ll get back to you. Thanks!

(Tone)

Stupid machine cut me off. I really mean it. Remember that time in college when I threatened to kick the ass of that friend of yours who brought the smack to the house party Kate and I had? Remember? I didn’t care that he had a gun, I wasn’t scared of him. Well, that’s what I’m going to do to you, too, bud, if you keep on. . . . What do you mean hang up the phone? No, I will not hang up the phone, Craig, I happen to be helping Kate. She had a very bad day and I am just—no, I am not making things worse, I’m helping. I happen to be a trained human resources representative, and I’m—don’t you—Give me that!

(Click)

Hi, you’ve reached Kate and Dale. We can’t come to the phone right now, so at the tone, please leave a message, and we’ll get back to you. Thanks!

(Tone)

Dude, it’s Craig. Sorry about that. Jen and Kate went out for mojitos, and Jen just had one, but she’s wasted. You know, she’s on all those fertility drugs, so she gets really drunk on just like one drink. So, sorry, man. I took the phone away from her and hid it in the closet. She should be all right in the morning. I hope.

(Click)

From the Desk of

Kate Mackenzie

To do:

Quit job (unless fired; if fired, see #2).

Start packing up belongings.

ASPIRIN????? Maybe in bottom drawer.

Find new job.

Find new apartment.

Find new boyfriend.

Oh, God, I don’t know, my head is throbbing. . . . Did I call Dale last night? God, I hope not.

Pick up dry cleaning!!!!!!!!!

Kathleen A. Mackenzie

Personnel Representative, LZ

Human Resources

The New York Journal

216 W. 57th Street

New York, NY 10019

212-555-6891

kathleen.mackenzie@thenyjournal.com

Chelsea/19th betw. 9th and 10th.

Exp. brk. wall, grt. light, elev.

bldg., courtyd. view. $1195, No

Fee. Call Ron 718-555-7757


Yo. It’s Ron. Leave a message.

(Tone)

Hi, Ron? It’s Kate. Kate Mackenzie, I left a message yesterday? About the studio in the East Thirties? Well, I never heard from you. Does that mean the studio’s taken already? Well, even if it is, can you call me back? Because I saw your ad for the place in Chelsea. The one that’s eleven ninety-five? Could you call me about that one? Because I’m really interested. Again, it’s 212-555-6891 until five, then you can reach me at 212-555-1324. And thanks. Thanks a lot. Call anytime.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

Does your head hurt as much as mine does?

Katydid:

More. You only had one drink, remember? I had seven. Do you think I’m fired?

Sleaterkinneyfan:

For coming in with a hangover? Whatever. They’d have to fire the whole department. Especially the day after the Christmas party.

Katydid:

No, for crying while I fired Mrs. Lopez.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

Oh, please. This is Human Resources. They never fire anybody in this department. Maybe if you stripped off your blouse and started singing “Everybody Wang Chung Tonight” in the mailroom.

Katydid:

The T.O.D. wants me in her office at ten. I will bet you anything it’s to give me a verbal warning.