But I understand now. I get it. I want to be with her, and just her, forever. For the rest of my life. If she’ll have me. Which I think she might, if I just play my cards right. . . .

I can’t wait until you meet her. I think she’ll almost balance out Amy.

Almost.

Last night was the most incredible night of my life. Is this how you felt, the first time you and Jason . . . you know?

No. Strike that. I don’t want to know. The thought of the two of you. . . .

Gotta go.

Mitch


To: Mitchell Hertzog <Mitchell.herstog@hwd.com>

Fr: Stacy Trent <IH8BARNEY@freemail.com>

Re: Last night

Oh, what, the thought of me doing my husband makes you want to barf?

Well, never mind. It does me, too.

Just kidding.

So, um, congrats on you and the girl. She must be something, if she’s got YOU talking wedding bells. But I always knew you’d find the right girl eventually.

By the way, did you hear about Stuart’s genetic test results? Turns out he’s a carrier for Tay Sach’s disease. Which means that somewhere back in our genealogical past, we were Jewish. No big surprise, is it, that we should have had a relative who, upon witnessing the pogroms, conveniently converted?

Mom is in fits over the whole thing. She thinks the country club is going to kick us out if they find out. Jason was like, “Why would she even want to belong to an organization that discriminates against ethnicity—or anything else for that matter?”

Poor Jason. You think he’d have learned by now, wouldn’t you?

Hey, so, what was Sean up to while you and Little Miss Dreamgirl were reaching the heights of ecstasy on those brown sheets of yours (we so need to take a little trip to Bloomies)?

Stace


To: Stacy Trent <IH8BARNEY@freemail.com>

Fr: Mitchell Hertzog <mitchell.hertzog@hwd.com>

Re: Sean

What are you talking about? Sean left me a note saying she was staying with you this weekend. Isn’t she there?

Mitch

THE NEW YORK JOURNAL

New York City’s Leading Photo-Newspaper

Peter Hargrave

Chief Executive Officer

The New York Journal

216 W. 57th Street

New York, NY 10019

212-555-6000

Amy Jenkins

Director

Human Resources

The New York Journal

216 W. 57th Street

New York, NY 10019

Dear Ms. Jenkins:

This letter serves to inform you that as of today’s date, your employment at theNew York Journal has been terminated. Your belongings from your workstation have been inventoried and packed. You are to be escorted from the premises by Security, and have been listed as Persona Non Grata at this location. Should you need to speak to anyone regarding the termination of your position at theNew York Journal , you will need to do so by telephone. Your initials below indicate receipt of this letter.

Peter Hargrave

pc/PH

THE NEW YORK JOURNAL

New York City’s Leading Photo-Newspaper

Security Division

The New York Journal

216 W. 57th Street

New York, NY 10019

212-555-6890

MEMO

To: All Personnel

Fr: Security Administration

Re: Persona Non Grata

Persona Non Grata Notification

Please note that the below named individual has been classified Persona Non Grata in 216 W. 57th Street as of the date of this notification, and will continue to remain so indefinitely. This individual is not to be allowed on or near the premises of 216 W. 57th Street at any time during the term of above sanction.

Name: Amy D. Jenkins

ID#: 3164-000-5001

Description: (photo attached)

White female, 30 years of age

5 feet, 6 inches, 120130 lbs.

Blonde hair, blue eyes

Contact Security immediately upon sighting of above individual.

THE NEW YORK JOURNAL

New York City’s Leading Photo-Newspaper

Peter Hargrave

Chief Executive Officer

The New York Journal

216 W. 57th Street

New York, NY 10019

212-555-6000

MEMO

To: All Departments

Fr: Peter Hargrave, CEO

Re: Human Resources Director

Please be aware that Amy Jenkins is no longer with the company. The newly appointed acting Human Resources Director is Jennifer Sadler. Please welcome Ms. Sadler to her new position. We are very pleased and fortunate that she agreed to take on a position of so much responsibility with so little advance notice. Thank you, Jennifer!

pc/PH

THE NEW YORK JOURNAL

New York City’s Leading Photo-Newspaper

Jennifer Sadler

Director

Human Resources

The New York Journal

216 W. 57th Street

New York, NY 10019

212-555-6870

MEMO

To: All Departments

Fr: Jennifer Sadler, Director, Human Resources

Re: Kate Mackenzie

As my first act as director of Human Resources, I’d like to reinstate Kate Mackenzie to the division. I’m sure you all agree that Kate was sorely missed. Kate will be taking over my former position. Thank you, and welcome back, Kate!

THE NEW YORK JOURNAL

New York City’s Leading Photo-Newspaper

Security Division

The New York Journal

216 W. 57th Street

New York, NY 10019

212-555-6890

MEMO

To: All Personnel

Fr: Security Administration

Re: Persona Non Grata

Persona Non Grata Lift Notification

Please note that the below-named individual has been declassified as Persona Non Grata in 216 W. 57th Street as of the date of this notification.

Name: Kathleen Mackenzie

ID#: 3164-000-6794

Description: (photo attached)

White female, 25 years of age

5 feet, 4 inches, 120-130 lbs.

Blonde hair, blue eyes

The above individual may enter the building freely.

THE NEW YORK JOURNAL

New York City’s Leading Photo-Newspaper

Features Division

The New York Journal

216 W. 57th Street

New York, NY 10019

MEMO

To: All Departments

Fr: Features Division

Re: Promotion of Jen Sadler

Reinstatement of Kate Mackenzie

We, the undersigned, staff members in the Features Department of theNew York Journal, applaud the promotion of Jen Sadler to the position of Human Resources Director, and the reinstatement of Kate Mackenzie. We hope these brilliant hiring decisions will be followed by yet another: the reinstatement of Ida Lopez as dessert cart operator in the senior-staff dining room.

In the meantime: NO MORE TRUST GAMES!!!! WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

George Sanchez

Melissa Fuller-Trent

Nadine Wilcock-Salerno

Dolly Vargas

Sleaterkinneyfan:

Can you believe this??

Katydid:

I’m freaking out. I really am. Jen—I have my job back. And you . . . you have the T.O.D.’s job! You are a DIRECTOR! A DIRECTOR!!! You so, so deserve it.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

I think you’re going to have to pinch me. I feel like I’m in a dream.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

Ow, bitch, that really hurt.

Katydid:

Did you see how she was crying? I felt a little sorry for her.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

Sorry for her? After what she did to you? Kate, you are way, way too nice. So where do you want to go to lunch to celebrate? My treat.

Katydid:

Can’t. I have plans already.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

With Loverboy?

Katydid:

No, Dale’s model, actually. I promised I’d go to the Olive Garden with her so we can talk about Dale.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

Oh my God. You really ARE too nice.

Katydid:

After work? Drinks at Lupe’s?

Sleaterkinneyfan:

You’re on. No drinks for me, though.

Katydid:

Why? Directors can’t drink?

Sleaterkinneyfan:

No. Pregnant women can’t.



To: Kate Mackenzie <kathleen.mackenzie@thenyjournal.com>

Fr: Jen Sadler <jennifer.sadler@theynyjournal.com>

Re: You

Oh my God, I’m sure they heard you all the way up in Peter’s office. Would you calm down? I’m trying to keep it under wraps. How thrilled are they going to be when they find out they just promoted a lady who’ll be on maternity leave in seven months? So keep the celebrating to a lower pitch, will you, please?

And yes, of course you can be the godmother.

Jen


To: Mitchell Hertzog <mitchell.hertzog@hwd.com>

Fr: Margaret Hertzog <margaret.hertzog@hwd.com>

Re: The News

By now you’ve heard the tragic news. I suppose YOU won’t see what’s so tragic about it. I suppose you’re PROUD that you’re descended from Those People. I suppose you just laughed when you heard, the way your father did.

But believe me, it’s no laughing matter. And it’s killing your brother. I know that you and I haven’t seen eye to eye about much lately, but maybe we can at least agree on this: Your brother needs you, Mitchell. He’s hurting, and quite badly. Can’t you, just for once, do the decent thing, and offer to go with him after work to that cigar bar he likes so much, or maybe take him to play basketball with those friends of yours? You know it was never easy for Stuart to open up to new people—he’s far too sensitive. What few friends he’s had, he’s never managed to keep for very long . . . except, of course, those friends he’s made through work. But of course they can’t afford to alienate him, or they’ll lose their jobs.