J


To: Jen Sadler <jennifer.sadler@thenyjournal.com>

Fr: Kate Mackenzie <kathleen.mackenzie@thenyjournal.com>

Re: My mother

YES! Oh my God, did you get struck by lightning, or something? Because you’re clairvoyant.

Like I would want to get a husband THAT way. Like having a husband is even that important to me. I mean, you can be a fully rounded human being and not be married, you know. In fact, remember how Professor Wingblade told us that the overall happiness level of marrieds vs. singles was higher in singles? What does THAT say to you?

Oh, sorry. I forgot you were married there for a second.

But I’m just saying. It isn’t because I want to be married that I broke up with Dale. It’s because if he doesn’t love me enough to want to marry me, then he doesn’t love me at all.

Or something like that. Know what I mean? God, I HATE talking to my mother, she always gets me confused.

Kate


To: Kate Mackenzie <kathleen.mackenzie@thenyjournal.com>

Fr: Jen Sadler <jennifer.sadler@thenyjournal.com>

Re: Your mother

I get what you mean. Hey, shouldn’t you be meeting your lunch date round about now? It’s almost 12:30.

J


To: Jen Sadler <jennifer.sadler@thenyjournal.com>

Fr: Kate Mackenzie <kathleen.mackenzie@thenyjournal.com>

Re: My mother

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m late!

Oh my God, I knew I should have made Jen switch skirts with me, I must look like the biggest slut in the world, it’s no wonder he took that call on his cell and has been out in the restaurant lobby

South Sea Shark’s Fin for Two

$19.95

for so long, he’s probably embarrassed to be seen with me, and who can blame him, I look like Alyssa

Crab Meat Asparagus Bisque for Two

$8.95

Milano onCharmed or whatever. He’s probably scared of me, oh God why did I ever

Fish Maw Chowder

$8.95

say I would have lunch with him? I mean, he’s a LAWYER, after all, and I’ve always sworn . . .

Fish Filet in Broth for Two

$7.95

but he’s just sonice, and the chicken in garlic sauce IS really good here, and I’m sure his call must

Chengdu Wonton in Broth

$3.50

be really important, and he DID look really annoyed when he saw who it was on the caller ID.

Hot and Sour Soup

$3.50

Probably it’s about a really important case or something. I hope it’s not that Clarissa girl, I really don’t

Chicken Corn Egg Drop Soup

$3.50

think he’d have taken it if it was, although maybe, who knows? It’s kind of funny, I really don’t think he likes Amy all that much. He says people who exercise that many times a day scare him, which is good

Pan-seared Dumplings

$4.95

because God knows I could barely move yesterday after that run around the reservoir the day before.

Steamed Vegetable Dumpling

$4.95

Not that it was much of a run considering the fact that Dolly stopped every 60 seconds to talk to

Spareribs

$6.95

someone who was going by, God she knows everyone in the world, it seems like. Plus he likes the

Fantail Shrimp

$6.95

Travel Channel, which means we already have something in common, not that we like it for the same

Cantonese Roast Duck

$5.95

reason, he likes it because he’s been to all those places, I like it because now I don’t have to go, since I

Shanghai Vegetable Spring Roll

$2.50

saw it already on TV. But still that’s something, anyway, more than I had in common with Dale, except

Chilled Noodles with Spicy Vinaigrette

$4.50

that we grew up together and both like, you know, sex. And he was the nicest boy in the whole school,

Stir Fried Chicken with Lettuce Taco

$6.95

and the only one who was even remotely interested in anything besides football. And he’s

Sichuan Pork Dumpling with Chili Vinaigrette

$4.50

not a businessy type of person (Dale, I mean), because I don’t know if I could be with someone who is

Fried Taro Toast

$3.95

always worried about the bottom line or whatever, at least Dale was in a creative profession. Not like I’m going out with Mitch Hertzog, or anything. I mean, I WISH. It’s just lunch, for God’s sake. To talk about taking a restraining order out on Dale.

Only he’s SO NICE—Mitch, I mean—and he smells good, too, and he has on a Spiderman tie today. He says his nieces gave it to him, too. God, I hope it isn’t serious between Mitch and that Praying Mantis girl. OH MY GOD

IS THAT SCROGGS????


To: Mitchell Hertzog <mitchell.hertzog@hwd.com>

Fr: Kate Mackenzie <kathleen.mackenzie@thenyjournal.com>

Re: Lunch

Please let me apologize one more time. I AM SO SORRY ABOUT YOUR SUIT. I don’t know what came over Dale, I really don’t. I guess he thought we were out on a date or something, ha ha! Well, you know he’s a little unstable. But really nonviolent. Except toward suits, apparently.

PLEASE, you’ve got to send me the dry-cleaning bill. I owe you that much at least.

Kate


To: Kate Mackenzie <kathleen.mackenzie@thenyjournal.com>

Fr: Jen Sadler <jennifer.sadler@thenyjournal.com>

Re: You

What happened????? You look white as a sheet. Did one of those video voyeurs get a shot up that skirt of yours as you were coming down the steps outside the building? Because we can track down the guy and have a blanket party on his head if you want. I know people who can make it happen.

J



To: Jen Sadler<jennifer.sadler@thenyjournal.com>

Fr: Kate Mackenzie<kathleen.mackenzie@thenyjournal.com>

Re: What happened

Oh, just the USUAL. I made a complete and utter fool of myself. WHY can’t I EVER pass myself off as a cool-headed businesswoman? WHY???

Of COURSE we were having a perfectly nice time—well, except that he got this call in the middle of the meal, but whatever, it was probably some multimillion-dollar deal he’s working on, or something—when who should come in to the restaurant but DALE, and the whole rest of the I’m Not Making Any More Sandwiches crew, and he starts making this big deal out of how I’m there, like it’s kismet or something, only he kept calling itschism, and then Mitch walked up and was like, “Sorry about that,” and sat down across from me, and next thing I knew, Dale had thrown the entire platter of chicken in garlic sauce on Mitch.

So there I am, lamely trying to wipe it off him, which meant, of course, that I actually had to touch him, although it was through a napkin, but can I just take a moment to say hubba-hubba? I mean, I could FEEL his muscles through all the stir-fried rice. How does a lawyer get all built up like that? I mean, Dale plays guitar, but you know, his chest practically caves in and he mostly looks anemic. . . .

But anyway.

It was just mortifying, all right? What do I DO??? I made Dale apologize, but you could tell he didn’t mean it. And I guess I can’t really blame him, we WERE talking about taking out a restraining order against him, but really, it’s all Dale’s fault. I mean, Del Monte peaches? Who DOES that?

What do you think I should do? Send flowers? Or candy? That seems sort of . . . not right. For a guy, I mean. What would you do? I mean, if it had been Craig. And you two weren’t married. But you still thought he was way hot and wanted him to like you. Even though he’s a soulless corporate drone. Who likes Spiderman.

I mean, I e-mailed him, but it doesn’t seem like enough. Know what I mean?

I really, truly wish I were dead.

Kate


To: Kate Mackenzie<kathleen.mackenzie@thenyjournal.com>

Fr: Jen Sadler<jennifer.sadler@thenyjournal.com>

Re: What happened

You did the right thing. Believe me, if this guy is interested, he’ll forgive you.

But what about Dale? Are you going for the restraining order or not? Seems like YOU’RE not the one who should file for it. Mr. Muscle should.

Could you tell if he had a six-pack?

J



To: Jen Sadler<jennifer.sadler@thenyjournal.com>

Fr: Kate Mackenzie<kathleen.mackenzie@thenyjournal.com>

Re: What happened

The restraining order! Oh! I forgot all about it!

Definite six-pack. The guy is cut.

Oh my God. I can’t believe I just wrote that.

Kate


To: Kate Mackenzie<kathleen.mackenzie@thenyjournal.com>

Fr: Jen Sadler<jennifer.sadler@thenyjournal.com>

Re: What happened

God dammit. Blondes really do have more fun.

J


To: Kate Mackenzie <kathleen.mackenzie@thenyjournal.com>

Fr: Mitchell Hertzog <mitchell.hertzog@hwd.com>

Re: Lunch

You don’t owe me anything. Look, really, don’t worry about it. How were you to know the label would pick THAT restaurant, out of all the restaurants in Manhattan, to take your ex-boyfriend’s band to lunch after signing their big deal? It IS midtown, and there ARE a lot of record companies in Manhattan.