“I don't understand what you're saying. This is crazy.”
“No, it isn't,” she said desperately. “But I will be if you don't start to hear me.”
“I hear you. I just don't like what I'm hearing. India, you're really barking up the wrong tree here.” It was rare for them to fight, but she was completely overwrought now, and he was livid. He was not going to give an inch on this subject, and she knew it. It was hopeless.
“Why won't you at least try to let me do a couple of assignments? Maybe it would work out. At least give it a chance.”
“Why? I already know what it would be like. I remember what it was like before we were married. You were always up a tree somewhere, using field telephones and dodging snipers. Is that really what you want to do again, for chrissake? Don't you think your children at least have a right to their mother? Just how selfish are you?”
“Maybe half as selfish as you are. What kind of mother are they going to have if I have no self-esteem and I'm pissed off all the time because I'm so goddamn bored and lonely?”
“If that's what you want, India, then find a new husband.”
“Do you really mean that?” She was looking at him in utter amazement, wondering if he would dare to go that far. But he might. He seemed to feel just that strongly about it. But her question, and the look in her eyes when she asked it, sobered him a little.
“I don't know. I might. I need to think about it. If this is really what you want, if you're willing to push it this far, then maybe we both need to rethink our marriage.”
“I can't believe you'd sacrifice us just because you're not willing to compromise, and think about my feelings for a change. I've done it your way for a hell of a long time. Maybe it's time to try mine now.”
“You're not even thinking of the children.”
“I am. And I have for a long time. But maybe now it's my turn.”
She had never said anything even remotely like that to him. And he certainly wasn't going to tell her now that he loved her. In fact, as he listened to her, he was almost sure he didn't. How could he? She was violating the deal she'd made with him, sacrificing their children, as far as he was concerned, and jeopardizing their marriage. As far as Doug was concerned, there wasn't much to love there.
And she was desperate to make one last stab at making him understand her. “Doug, what I did wasn't just a job. It was kind of an art form. It was a part of me. It's how I express myself, what's in my mind, my heart, my soul. It's why I never stopped carrying my camera. I need it to let a kind of light shine through me. What you see with your eyes, I see with my heart. I've given that up for a long time. Now I just want a little piece of it back again, like part of me I gave up, and just found I miss too much. Maybe I need that to be who I am. I don't know. I don't understand it myself, I just know that all of a sudden I realize it's important to me.” But she also realized it wasn't to him. That was the bottom line for her husband. He just couldn't understand what she was saying. He didn't get it. And he didn't want to.
“You should have thought of all that seventeen years ago when you married me. You had the choice then. I thought you made the right one, and so did you. If you don't feel that way now, then we have to face it.”
“All we need to face is that I need a little more in my life. Some air, some breathing room, a way to express myself and be me again … a way to feel that I matter in the world too, and not just you. And even more important than that, I need to know you love me.”
“I'm not going to love you, India, if you pull this kind of bullshit on me. And that's all it is, as far as I'm concerned. A load of bullshit. You're being a spoiled brat, and you're letting me and our kids down.”
“I'm sorry you can't hear what I'm saying,” she said, crying softly, and with that, he left the room, without saying a word to her, or reaching out to touch her or take her in his arms, or tell her he loved her. At that moment, he just didn't. And he was too angry to listen to her for another minute. Instead, he walked into their bedroom and packed his suitcase.
“What are you doing?” she asked when she saw what he was doing.
“I'm going back to Westport. And I'm not coming up next weekend. I don't need to drive for six hours in order to listen to you rant and rave about your ‘career.’ I think we need a breather from each other.” She didn't disagree with him, but she felt abandoned by him when she saw what he was doing.
“What makes you so sure that you know what's right for us, and me, and our kids? Why do you always get to make the rules?”
“Because that's the way it is, India. It's the way it's always been. And if you don't like it, you can leave me.”
“You make it sound very simple.” But it wasn't, and she knew that.
“Maybe it is. Maybe it's just that simple.” He stood up and looked at her, with his bag in his hand, and she couldn't believe how quickly their marriage was unraveling, after seventeen years and four children. Apparently, it had to be his way, or no way. The inequity of it was staggering, but he wasn't even willing to negotiate with her, or even bother to tell her he loved her. He didn't love her enough, in fact, to care what she felt or needed. It was all about him, and the “deal” they had made. That was the bottom line for him, and he was not willing to renegotiate the contract. “Say good-bye to the kids for me. I'll see you in two weeks. I hope you come to your senses by then.” He had dug in his heels, but even if she wanted to, India wasn't sure she could change now. In the past few weeks, she had become too aware of what was missing, and what she needed.
“Why are you being so stubborn about this? Sometimes we have to make changes in life, to adjust to new ideas and new situations.”
“We don't need new ideas, and neither do our kids. They just need their mother doing what she's supposed to do for them. And that's all I need from you.”
“Why don't you just hire a housekeeper? Then if she doesn't toe the line, or live up to the ‘deal’ for you, you can just fire her?”
“Maybe I'll have to, if you decide to follow in your father's footsteps.”
“I'm not that stupid. I'm not asking you to let me go to war zones. I just want to cover a couple of decent stories.”
“I'm not asking you anything,” he said in an ice-cold tone. “I'm telling you that at the end of the summer, when we go back to Westport, you'd better be in your right mind again, and ready to give up all this nonsense. You'd better be ready to take care of our kids, and do what you signed on for.” She had never realized how insensitive he was, how totally indifferent to her feelings. As long as she played the game the way he expected her to, it was fine. But with different needs, different ideas, different anything, it was unacceptable to him. He had made himself perfectly clear to her, clearer than he'd ever been, and she hated everything she was hearing. This was a lot worse than just boring. This was vicious.
He walked to the front door then, and turned one last time to look at her, and issue a final ultimatum. “I mean it, India. Pull yourself back together again, or you'll regret it.” She already did, but she didn't say a word to him as he left, and stood silently at the kitchen window watching him drive down the driveway. She couldn't believe what was happening to them, what he had said to her, and what he hadn't. She was still crying when Sam walked in. She didn't even hear him come into the kitchen behind her.
“Where's Dad?” he asked, wondering. He thought maybe he was walking on the beach with Crockett.
“He left,” India said flatly, wiping her eyes as she turned to face him. She didn't want him to see her crying.
“He forgot to say good-bye,” Sam said, looking surprised.
“He had to go back for a meeting.”
“Oh. I'm going across the street to John's house.”
“Be home in time for dinner,” she said, turning to smile at him. Her eyes were still damp, but he didn't see it. He only saw her smiling, and looked no further. “I love you, Sam,” she said softly, and he grinned.
“Yeah … I know, Mom. I love you too.” And then he was gone, and the front door slammed, and she watched him walk across the street to his friend's house. He had no idea what had just happened, but India had the feeling that their lives were about to change forever.
She could have called Doug in the car, she could have told him she'd changed her mind, she could have done a lot of things, but she knew that she couldn't now. There was no turning back anymore, all she could do was go forward.
Chapter 9
DOUG ONLY called her a couple of times in the next two weeks until he came up again. And when he did, the atmosphere was strained between them. He made no reference to what had happened the last time, and neither did India. But she had done a lot of thinking about her marriage, and she'd been tempted to call Raoul, her agent, to put her name at the top of the list for local work, but she had decided to wait until the end of the summer to call him. She wanted to explore the possibilities in her mind, and the risks, and the potential impact on her children. And she needed to talk to Doug again. They had some things to work out, now more than ever. But she didn't want to do anything hasty. She still wanted to go back to work, but the stakes were high, and she wanted to be sure she knew what she was doing.
Doug didn't even try to make love to her and he scarcely spoke to her all weekend. He acted as though she had committed an unpardonable transgression against him. And on Sunday after he left, Jason looked at her with eyes fall of questions. He was the closest to his father.
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