“It’s gorgeous. Just not on me. I can’t even wear that color, let alone the shape.”

“Tell her,” he said firmly, sounding like her shrink.

“I did. She won’t listen to me. This is her dream wedding. She’s only planning to do it once, and it has to be perfect. For everyone but me.”

“She’s a nice kid. Explain it to her.”

“She’s a bride, on a mission. We must have looked at a hundred gowns today. This is going to be the event of the century.”

“It won’t help anything to blow the diet now,” he said, trying to encourage her. It had upset him to see her with the ice cream in her hand. She had been so good until then. And he didn’t want her to blow it now over a stupid gown.

Gracie was on the phone by then with all her friends, telling them about the fabulous dress she’d ordered for all of them, and Victoria had a sense of hopelessness as she sat down in the kitchen. She felt like an invisible person again. Gracie wasn’t hearing her. It was all about Gracie right now. It was hard to live with, and she was depressed about the dress. She didn’t know what to do about it. It was clear that Gracie wasn’t going to listen to her, no matter what.

They had dinner with John and Harlan in the kitchen that night, and Gracie told them all the details of the wedding. By the end of the meal, Victoria wanted to throw up.

“Maybe I’m just jealous,” she said to Harlan in a whisper after Gracie left the room to call Harry before she went to bed.

“I don’t think you are. It’s a little much. She’s like a kid out of control. Your father is creating a monster, letting her do whatever she wants with the wedding.”

“He thinks it makes him look important,” Victoria said, still looking depressed. It was the first time in her life that she hadn’t enjoyed Gracie’s company. So far, the weekend was a catastrophe.

And the next day wasn’t much better. Victoria went with her for her appointment with Vera Wang. They looked at a dozen wedding dress possibilities, and finally the designer offered to send her sketches based on what Gracie had said. She was thrilled.

It was afternoon by then, and they went to Serendipity for lunch. Gracie ordered a salad, and Victoria ordered the cheese ravioli, and a frozen mochaccino topped with whipped cream, and ate it all. Gracie saw nothing unusual in what her sister had ordered, because she was used to Victoria eating things like that. And blowing her diet depressed Victoria even more. By the time they got back to the apartment, she was exhausted, depressed, and felt as if she were about to explode. She hadn’t eaten anything like that in months, and Harlan could see the guilt on her face.

“What did you do today?”

“I met Vera Wang,” she said vaguely.

“That’s not what I meant, and you know it. What did you eat for lunch?”

“You don’t want to know. I shot my diet all to hell,” she said, looking guilty.

“It’s not worth it, Victoria,” he reminded her. “You’ve worked too hard for this for the past four months. Don’t fuck it up.”

“The wedding is making me nervous. I’m suicidal over the dress I have to wear. And my sister is turning into someone I don’t know. She shouldn’t even be marrying the guy, or anyone, at her age. And he’s going to run her life just like my father does. She’s marrying our father,” she said miserably.

“Let her, if that’s what she wants. She’s old enough to make her own choice, even if it’s a mistake. You can’t screw up your life on top of it. That’s not going to change anything, except make you miserable. Just forget about the wedding. Wear whatever you have to, get drunk at the wedding, and come home.” She laughed at what he said.

“Maybe you have a point. And besides, it’s eight months away. Even if the dress is wrong for me I could still lose a lot of weight by then and look good.”

“Not if you blow your diet.”

“I won’t. I’ll be good tonight. We’re staying home. And she’s going back to L.A. tomorrow. I’ll be back on the wagon as soon as she leaves.”

“No. Now,” he reminded her, and went to his own room. Victoria got on the treadmill then, to atone for her sins. And Gracie ordered a pizza from the restaurant whose card was on the fridge. It arrived half an hour later, and was more than Victoria could resist. Gracie ate one piece. And her older sister finished the rest. She wanted to eat the box so Harlan wouldn’t see it, but he did. He looked at her as though she had killed someone. And she had. Herself. She was consumed with guilt.

And they went out for lunch the next day before Gracie left. To thank her for her help, Gracie took her to the Carlyle for brunch, and Victoria had eggs Benedict, and when Gracie ordered hot chocolate and little cookies, she couldn’t resist them.

Gracie thanked her profusely when she left for the airport, and they hugged each other tight. She said she had had a terrific time, and would keep her posted on the designs from Vera Wang and everything else. Victoria stood on the sidewalk waving to her as the cab pulled away, and as soon as it was out of sight, Victoria burst into tears. From her perspective, the weekend had been an utter and complete disaster, and she felt like a total failure at everything. And on top of it, she was going to look awful at the wedding. She went upstairs, let herself into the apartment, and went to bed, wishing she were dead.


Chapter 18


It was a relief for Victoria to go back to school on Monday. At least it was a world she understood, and where she had some control. She felt as though her sister Gracie was totally out of control with the wedding, and just being around her was depressing these days. And the effect on Victoria had been disastrous. She had gone totally berserk with everything she ate. She had an appointment with Dr. Watson that afternoon after school, and she told her about all of it and how depressed she was.

“I was like a crazy person,” she confessed, “eating everything in sight. I haven’t eaten like that in years. Or months anyway. I weighed myself this morning, and I put on three pounds.”

“You’ll lose it again,” Dr. Watson reassured her. “Why do you think it happened?” She looked interested and not panicked.

“I felt invisible again, like nothing I said mattered. She’s turning into one of them.”

“Maybe she always was.”

“No, she wasn’t. But the guy she’s marrying is just like my father. I feel outnumbered now. And the dress she wants me to wear to the wedding will look awful on me.”

“Why didn’t you speak up?”

“I tried. She wouldn’t listen. She ordered it anyway. She’s being a terrible brat at the moment.”

“That happens to brides sometimes. She sounds completely unreasonable.”

“She is. She wants her dream wedding. And she shouldn’t be marrying this guy at all. She’ll wind up like my mother, and I don’t want that to happen to her.”

“You can’t alter that,” the doctor reminded her. “The only person you can control is yourself.” Victoria was beginning to understand that, but it was painful to watch Grace become just like their parents. Victoria felt better when she left the psychiatrist’s office. She spent an hour on the treadmill when she got home, and then she went to the gym.

Victoria came back at eight o’clock, and she was so exhausted, she went to bed. Gracie had sent her two texts that day, thanking her again. Victoria felt guilty about being so upset about the weekend. Although Gracie had thought it was fabulous, it hadn’t been fun for her. She could hardly wait for the wedding to be over, so they could spend some decent time together again. It was going to be a long eight months.

The next day Victoria went to Weight Watchers before she went to work. She confessed her sins to one of the counselors and submitted to the weigh-in. She had already lost two of the pounds she’d gained on the weekend, which was a relief, and she was back on track again.

She taught three classes back to back before lunch, and she was just leaving her classroom and heading for her office, when she saw one of her students crying in the hall. The girl had a look of despair on her face, and she darted into the ladies’ room when she saw Victoria coming, which worried her. She followed her inside and found her in the bathroom alone.

“Are you okay?” Victoria asked her cautiously. The girl’s name was Amy Green, she was a good student, and Victoria knew from the grapevine that the girl’s parents were getting divorced.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Amy said, dissolving into tears again. Victoria handed her several tissues, and Amy blew her nose and looked embarrassed.

“Is there anything I can do?” The girl shook her head, speechless with despair. “Do you want to come to my office for a few minutes, or go for a walk?” Amy hesitated, and then nodded. Victoria had always been nice to her, and Amy thought she was “cool.”

Her office was only a few doors away, and Amy followed her. Victoria closed the door as soon as Amy walked in, and she waved her to a chair. Victoria poured some bottled water into a glass and handed it to her, while Amy dissolved into uncontrollable sobs again. Things weren’t looking good. Victoria sat quietly waiting for her to calm down. And then finally Amy looked at her in utter terror.

“I’m pregnant,” she sobbed. “I didn’t even know. I just found out yesterday.” And it was easy to guess who the boy was. She had been dating the same one for two years, and he was a nice kid. They were both graduating in June. It suddenly pushed all thoughts of her sister’s wedding from Victoria’s mind.

“Have you told your mom yet?” Victoria asked quietly, handing her more tissues.

“I can’t. She’ll kill me. She’s upset about the divorce.” Her father had left for another woman, and Victoria had heard rumors about it. “And now this. I don’t know what to do.”