Meg Cabot - Big Boned

“Eloping is fine,” I say quickly. I can’t believe I haven’t misheard him. He meant it. He actually meant it. Our joint detective agency—the one I always fantasized about—Wells-Cartwright Investigations… not to mention our three kids—Jack, Emily, and baby Charlotte! — they might actually come to exist someday… someday soon!

Oh my God. I really am going to hyperventilate.

Wait. No, I’m not. I’m not because this is just so… so… perfect.

I can barely contain my smile. Then I realize I don’t have to.

“Eloping is a great idea!” I gush. “Can we invite my dad?”

“If you insist,” Cooper says grudgingly.

“And Frank and Patty?”

He rolls his eyes. “Why not? The more, the merrier.”

“And Tom and Steve? They’d be really hurt if we didn’t invite them. So would Sarah. And Sebastian, if she’s still seeing him. And Magda. And Pete, too. His daughters would make cute flower girls.”

“Heather. If we have that many people, it won’t be an elopement. It will be a wedding. And I hate weddings.”

“It’ll be okay,” I say. “As long as your parents and my mother aren’t there. We have to have witnesses anyway.”

“In that case,” Cooper says, “it’s a deal.”

“And I think we should keep the cat,” I say.

“What cat?” Then Cooper sighs. “Oh, that cat. Fine. Just so long as we don’t have to call him Garfield.”

“I know,” I say, grinning. “Let’s call him Owen.”

“After your boss?”

“Yeah. Since in a way, his death is what finally brought us together.”

“I can assure you,” Cooper says, “that that is categorically untrue.”

“Whatever you say. Can we kiss some more now?”

“That’s the best idea you’ve had all night,” he says.

After a while, still kissing, we move out into the hallway, where we knock over a lot of the picture frames Cooper’s grandfather left behind after he died. So then we move out into the front hallway, near the stairs leading to the second floor, where we run into real danger of falling over, especially since we’re both shirtless and some of us have lost our pants.

“No,” I say without elaborating why, when Cooper suggests that making love for the first time on the hallway runner wouldn’t be such a bad thing. “It really would.”

We make it upstairs to his room.

But barely.

I’m humming as I make my way to work the next morning.

I can’t help it. It’s a gorgeous spring morning. The sky overhead is achingly blue, the birds are singing, the weather is warm, the flowers are blooming, and the drug dealers are out in full force, happily toting their wares. Let’s face it, there’s a lot to hum about. I’m happy—actually genuinely, one hundred percent happy—for the first time in—well, forever.

And not because I’m full of a high-calorie confection from the nearby coffee shop, either. But because I’m full of love.

Cloyingly sweet? Disgustingly trite? I know. I can’t help it though.He loves me. He’s always loved me.

Well, okay, maybe not always. But he definitely started liking me back when Jordan and I were going out. It wasn’t entirely coincidental that Cooper showed up with his offer of a job and a place to stay exactly as I was being shown the curb by his brother.

He claims he extended the invitation merely as a chivalrous gesture to a woman whom he thought was being shabbily treated by a family member. The friendly feelings he’d felt for me at the time grew, over the course of the year we’d lived together, into romantic love.

But I know the truth: He had only the vaguest idea how hot he was for me until he saw me with another guy, and realized (however wrongly) that he was about to lose me. And not to some murdering psychopath this time, but to a nearsighted vegan math professor. Then, POW! It was all Heather, all the time.

However big a goober Tad may have turned out to be, I definitely owe him one (and I don’t mean for the passing grade, either).

Of course, in the end, who even cares how long Cooper’s loved me? He loves me now, and that’s all that matters. He put in a dog door just for me. Oh, and we’re getting married.

And we have a cat named Owen that last night crept into bed with us and slept on Cooper’s side, while Lucy curled up next to me. And they didn’t fight. Not once.

I’m so busy humming and being full of love that I don’t even see the woman jogging next to me until she sticks her face almost directly in front of mine and goes, “Hey, there, Heather! I’ve only said hi three times already! What’s the matter with you, anyway?”

It’s only then that I recognize Muffy.

Only she looks completely different than the last time I saw her, because her hair has been deflated. It’s tied back in a ponytail, and she’s in leggings and a tank top and running shoes, not high heels. This makes her about four inches shorter.

“Muffy,” I cry. “Hi! Wow. Sorry. You startled me.”

“I guess so,” she says with a laugh. “What are you so happy about this morning? You look positively glowin’.”

“Oh,” I say, restraining myself from throwing my arms around her with a smile. “Nothing. Just… it’s a beautiful day.”

“It is, isn’t it? And you heard about the strike, right? Isn’t that great?” Then Muffy sobers. “Listen, I heard what happened to you last night. You’re okay, right? I can’t believe it was the ex-wife, and not that Blumenthal boy, all along. What a bitch!”

“Yeah,” I say. “Tell me about it.”

“She’s going to be all right, I hear. It was just a whadduyacallit. Flesh wound. They’ve got her in for psychiatric examination. Apparently that’s why Dr. Veatch left her in the first place. ’Cause she was a little batty in the old belfry. Poor man. I guess they’re going to go for an insanity defense. Well, they’re going to have to. I mean, to go postal like that, over wedding china? Hello? Oh my God, and did you hear the other thing? About Reverend Mark?”

I raise my eyebrows. “No. What?”

“Submitted his resignation,” Muffy says. “Just like that. No one knows why. I mean, I know there was some kind of misunderstanding last night at the memorial service with that cute friend of yours. But for him to resign! Do you have any idea why he’d do that?”

I can’t help it. I’m grinning ear to ear. “No idea. I guess he just figured it was time to move on.”

“I guess,” Muffy says. “But what a shame! He was so cute! Thank God for that other friend of yours, Tad. I mean, at least there’s ONE good-lookin’ guy left on campus. He’s a real sweetie pie. Well, except for the vegan thing. But I’ll have him cured of that lickety split. I cannot date a guy who doesn’t appreciate my mama’s fried chicken recipe, know what I mean? Anyway, he wants to meet for a run tonight after work, so I figured I better whip myself into shape, you know? I’ve completely let myself go. Anyway, I better get goin’. Now that the strike’s over, I’ll be working on the president’s initiative to improve New York College’s image in the media. I guess we need it, what with all the murders that go on all over the campus. I’ve got to do somethin’ about the fact that they call that place you work in the Death Dorm. That is just ridiculous. Well, ta ta.”

Muffy jogs away. I look after her, admiring the way she keeps her uterus from falling out as she runs.

Some women are just lucky that way, I guess.

I reach Fischer Hall and pull open the door. The first thing I see is Julio, buffing the Rollerblade scuffs on the marble floor.

“Welcome back,” I say to him.

He just shakes his head sadly. “Look at this,” he says, looking down at the scuffs. “It is disgusting.”

“Yes,” I say happily. “It is, isn’t it?”

I get a few more feet inside before I run into Jamie, hurrying off somewhere.

“Heather!” she cries, brightening at the sight of me. “Did you hear?”

“About Reverend Mark?” I nod. “I sure did. Congratulations. You scared him away.”

“Not about that,” she says, waving a hand in a pooh-poohing gesture. “Although that rocks. No, it’s about my dad. He’s dropped the charges against Gavin. I guess Chief O’Malley convinced him he didn’t really have a case. So now your friend Cooper’s going to get all that money he posted for Gavin’s bail back.”

I smile at her. “Oh,” I say. “That wasn’t Cooper’s money. It was from a bail bondsman. Cooper just put down ten percent.”

Jamie frowns. “No,” she says. “That’s what he told you, but I was standing right there when he paid it. You were over talking to Gavin, so maybe you didn’t notice. But he paid the whole amount. He asked Chief O’Malley if a personal check was all right, and he said it was, just this one time. So Cooper paid it all.”

I stare at her. Then I smile.

Then I burst out laughing.

Jamie looks at me like I’m a mental case. “Uh,” she says. “I’ve got to go. I’m meeting Gavin for a film shoot he’s doing uptown. I’ll tell him you said hi, and, um, see you later, Heather.”

I’m still laughing as I turn around and see Pete behind the security desk. He grins at me.

“What’s so funny?” he wants to know. Then he glances at his watch. “Hey, what do you know? It’s a new world record! Right on time! And what’s this? No enormous caffeinated beverage laden with whipped cream? What gives?”

“I just didn’t feel like it this morning. I am so glad to see you back where you belong,” I say. “You have no idea—”