Christina Lee - Before You Break

“God, yes,” I said, probably a little too quickly.

“So just roll with it,” she said, like it was the simplest thing in the world.

“Even if it means this guy has the potential to wreck me?” Something constricted in my chest at the very thought. How was I going to protect myself from this gorgeous guy whose kisses had me panting for more?

“Maybe you have the potential to wreck him—ever think of that?” she asked, nudging my chin so that I looked at her. “You are a gorgeous and sexy beast and you better start recognizing that about yourself.”

“I’ll try my best,” I mumbled and dipped my head.

And maybe she was right. Maybe Quinn was protecting himself as well. That much might have been obvious. He’d said he wasn’t with Amber and wasn’t in love with her. But I just knew something had happened between them, even if he was unwilling to share exactly what it had been. He’d said in his frat house bedroom that he didn’t want to get involved again. Did I remind him of her in some way?

Nate had said that Quinn was rarely with any girls, so what was holding him back? At first I thought maybe it was his attraction to me, but after the kiss at the park, it was pretty evident that wasn’t it. You could still lust after someone and not want to date them, that was for sure. So maybe that’s all it’d been.

“Avery?” I figured I’d ask since I had her full attention on this topic. “What does it feel like to be in love?”

I’d never been in love before. I’d thought I was falling for my boyfriend in high school. But looking back now, it just seemed juvenile and superficial.

“Love can seem so damn messy. You might not get there at the same instant or even want to admit it at the same time,” she said, staring off into the space of her own thoughts. “But one thing’s for certain. When you’re together—and actually trusting your feelings and the honesty of the moment—you’ll feel calm inside. Still. It’ll feel right. Like . . . magic.”

She walked over to the widow and watched the traffic out on the street. “And you’ll know you’re there because the very thought of being without him shakes you to your core.

Then she turned back to me. “And when he’s in the room? Everything else fades to black.”

“Listen to you,” I said, staring at my friend in wonder. “What a difference a year makes.”

“I know,” she said, shaking her head. “I have no idea if my brain’s been invaded by aliens or what. Trust me—I had no expectations of this ever happening. I didn’t believe in it and I certainly didn’t want it.”

That was for sure. She’d fought it practically the whole way through.

“But hope is a funny thing,” Avery said. “It reveals itself in different forms, even when you’re trying to squash it down.”

Her mention of the word hope made me think of Daniel and our conversation the other day. “Remember that guy I’ve been telling you about who calls the hotline?”

“Yeah,” she said. I was careful not to give away too many details about my callers. It was against the confidentiality agreement that I’d signed. “Did he call again?”

“Last night,” I said. She didn’t know his name or what his specific issue was. Just that he reminded me of Christopher and that he was suffering from extreme guilt over something he’d done. “We talked about hope. And, damn, it was an amazing conversation.”

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you had a crush on that dude, too.”

“Ew, no, Avery. This is my job. We aren’t allowed to get messed up with the people we help.” I said. I didn’t have a crush on Daniel, did I? While I marveled at Daniel’s bravery, his resilience, and his determination, it wasn’t in a romantic way.

I didn’t know anything about him except how his voice sounded during the different emotions he’d expressed. How it was rougher when he was on the verge of tears. Had a dignified inflection when he was more optimistic. There was an undeniable familiarity between us. And in some cathartic way, he helped me work through some residual feelings I had about Christopher. Feelings I might continue to have on and off for the rest of my life.

And maybe in my subconscious somewhere, I was healing my brother, too.

“I know. I’m just messing with you,” Avery said, pushing playfully at my shoulder. “It’s just that you get this look in your eyes when you talk about him.”

“I admire him. For hanging in there. Trying to make it through. And on a very basic level, I understand him.” I turned toward my dresser and located the family photo I had placed there. “Because of Christopher.”

“I can understand why you’d have a connection with this guy. And it sounds like you’re helping him,” she said, slipping into her thong sandals.

“My supervisor said that some callers will affect us more than others because our own experiences or emotions might register in some way. The important thing is to keep a level head and use our familiarity to help them.”

“Makes sense.” Avery shrugged. “You should feel proud of yourself. You’re going to make a great psychologist someday.”

“Thanks. I hope so.” I picked my phone off my side table and sat back down on the bed.

“Speaking of Christopher,” Avery said and then cringed, “how did Mom and Dad take the news about Joel?”

“You know, they were pretty cool about it,” I said, scrolling through my messages.

I finally told my parents the night of the dinner, after all of our guests had left the house. And after my amazing kiss with Quinn. I didn’t know why I thought they’d be upset. It was me who had held on to that connection Joel had with Christopher.

“My father actually looked relieved,” I said. “He said he wasn’t sure if Joel was the kind of guy to settle down with. Wonder what made him say that.”

I could tell Avery was biting her tongue, waiting to say something as she gripped the keys in her hand.

“Out with it, asshead,” I said. “There’s something you want to say about Joel. So get it over with already.”

She moved backward toward the door, her face a map of worry. I knew she had plans with Bennett but she wasn’t going anywhere until she told me what was on her mind. “Please tell me you always used protection?”

“Always. I’m no dummy.” I threw my hands up in frustration. “Why?”

Her back rested against the door. “Something else Nate told Bennett.”

I groaned as my stomach went into a tailspin. What the hell was she about to tell me? Did Joel have a venereal disease that he picked up from one of those girls I’d always wondered about?

“He said that Joel was a pretty big flirt when you weren’t around,” she huffed. “The guy hooked up with different chicks while you were together.”

My head fell into my hands. “How could I have been so stupid?”

I wondered if Quinn knew about Joel, too. I must have looked like an idiot. Why hadn’t I listened to my gut? I knew there was something off about our relationship. And now it looked it had never been real.

“Don’t you dare beat yourself up about this! That’s the exact reason why I wasn’t sure whether to tell you.” Avery’s strong voice broke me out of my pity party. She sat down facing me on the bed. “Don’t go blaming yourself about something he’s done. Sure, you were probably too loyal—but he made you believe he was, too.”

“Maybe,” I said, biting my lip. “But I think I ignored some warning signs.”

“We all make mistakes. We’ve just got to learn from them.” She brushed my hair from my forehead. “If this thing with Quinn goes anywhere, I have a feeling you’ll let him know exactly what you want. You won’t stand for this again. We’ve all been naïve at one time or another.”

I lay back against my pillow, resisting the urge to curl into the fetal position. “But what about your whole living-in-the-gray thing with Quinn?”

“That’s different. That’s having fun without any expectations,” she said. “From there, if you decide you want to move into more serious territory, I’d hope you and Quinn agree on a few things. Like what that means for both of you.”

I turned onto my side and hugged my stomach. “After what you just told me about Joel, living in the gray sounds more doable right about now.”

Avery kissed the top of my head before leaving me to my own thoughts.

I wasn’t sure if I could trust my own judgment anymore.

Who was I kidding—I needed to start listening to my gut. Really listening.

I hadn’t seen Ella since our kiss in the park, but since that day spent with her family, I could think of little else. She was in my thoughts every night before bed and at the very moment I awoke each morning.

The business and psychology buildings were on opposite ends of campus so I hadn’t even caught any glimpses of her in between classes. I was hoping she was still into me as much as I was into her.

But even through text conversations these past couple of days, Ella seemed different. More quiet, standoffish even. Like she had stuff on her mind. So I didn’t want to push her.

Except I was going out of my fucking skull. It felt like it was a constant push and pull between us. I was finally feeling free, hopeful, and ready to take the next steps with a beautiful girl. And now she was the one who seemed to be putting on the brakes.

Possibly because I’d been talking out of two sides of my ass. At first, I’d told her that I couldn’t be with anybody. And then I’d gone and kissed her—who was I kidding, practically mauled her—beneath the pine trees at the park.