“I’m not so sure about that, baby,” I whispered to myself. “I might have to be him again—just for a little while.”

I focused on the glass again, steeling myself against the desire to bring it to my lips. The muscles up my arm flexed automatically, and I tightened my fingers around the glass again.

It felt good.

Natural.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I lifted my hand and brought the glass up closer to my face. Tilting it back and draining it seemed like the easiest thing in the world to do, while setting it back down was impossible.

If I do this, it’s done. I can’t go back.

It’s only one drink…it’s not like I’d be instantly back to the same old me again.

She’ll hate me for it.

I need to calm down, or I won’t be able to figure this out.

Just one.

I stopped thinking, tossed it back, and felt the burn as it slid down my throat. I dropped the empty glass back down on the top of the bar as the liquid coated my insides.

Can’t go back now.

“Another,” I said.

The bartender refilled the glass.

What the fuck am I doing?

* * *

The exit from Bar Crudo loomed in front of me as I stumbled toward it. I wasn’t sure exactly how a glass door could look so fuzzy, but it did. I glanced at my watch and realized I didn’t have much time before Raine would be returning from class. I had to get back to the condo.

“Sweetheart, you look like you could use a little help.”

I flicked my eyes in the direction of the effeminate voice to see a tall, African American man with bleached-blond hair. Upon closer inspection, I realized he wasn’t all that tall; he was just wearing ridiculously high platform shoes, which were mostly covered by his long, billowing skirt. Maybe it was a swimsuit cover up; I wasn’t sure. I blinked a few times and wondered if he was wearing a woman’s style bikini underneath.

He waved his arms around, nearly spilling the contents of his designer purse all over the ground, and called to another dude in a flowing, green-flowered robe of some kind. He had a tattoo on his arm that read “Don’t Judge,” and his eyebrows had thin vertical lines shaved into them. He checked for traffic before he walked across the street with his arms held out wide.

“Oh may gawd!” the second guy called out.

I laughed at the spectacle, which made me dizzy, which made me laugh more.

“You found quite a little chunk here, didn’t ya, sweetie?”

“I don’t think he’s doin’ too well, babe.”

I wondered what he meant but then realized I couldn’t quite stand up straight. I had to get home before Raine got there, and all the humor of the situation left me.

“Well, we should help him out!”

“You mean ‘help yourself!’”

They both started waving their arms around and squealing at each other in the most stereotypical way and didn’t seem to notice as I backed away and turned, fumbling over my feet a little as I made my way toward our building.

Only a couple of blocks…

Looking up the street, it seemed like a lot farther. I concentrated on that whole “one foot in front of the other” thing until I realized I had passed the entrance and was standing in front of the gelato place on the corner. Gelato sounded really good, so I went inside and tried to focus on the various flavors offered. I couldn’t seem to choose, and a bunch of tourists walked in and started placing their orders, occupying the woman behind the counter.

With my head still swimming, I forced myself back outside and made my way to the entrance of the condo building, swiped my keycard, and pushed open the security door. The elevators were on my right, and the door to the stairs was on my left. I veered left out of habit, went up three steps, fell down, and then used the banister to pull myself back up.

Just need to get inside…

I reached the second floor and decided I wasn’t going to make it up two more flights. I fumbled at the door handle a couple of times before getting it to open, then careened into the wall next to the elevator button. Somehow, I managed to get it to light up, and the elevator door opened.

There was a couple inside, probably in their late forties, dressed to the nines like they were heading to some dinner party. They took a step away from me as I entered and tried to find the number four on the key panel. Once I pushed it, I leaned against the wall of the elevator and kept my eyes to the ground.

“Are you all right, sir?” the man in the suit asked.

I laughed.

“Gonna have to kill a few people,” I slurred. “After that, all should be good.”

The woman’s eyes went wide as she grabbed the man’s arm and whispered something to him. He pulled her to his side and stepped back to press them both into the corner of the elevator.

The door to the elevator opened, and I found myself just outside the condo. I had to lean heavily against the door as I tried to fish my key out of my pocket. Once it was between my fingers, getting it into the lock and turned was a whole other problem. Eventually I managed to make it work and gave myself a mental shove to get through the door. I turned to close it by throwing my hand out and slapping it, which hurt a bit but got the job done. I looked down to my palm and began to laugh again.

Then I fell backwards and landed on my ass.

Deciding it was as good a place as any, I lay backwards and watched the room spin around me. There was that niggling bit in the back of my head that told me I needed to pull my shit together before Raine came home, but it wasn’t loud enough to cover up the ringing in my ears.

Fuck, I didn’t like this part.

I wasn’t completely sure how many shots I had done, but I didn’t think it was enough to have such a profound effect on me. So many months of sobriety must have driven down my tolerance quite a bit.

Raine will be home soon.

“Shit.” I pushed myself up with my arms and leaned back on my elbows for a second. I rolled, or maybe fell, over on my side and tried to get my bearings enough to stand. It didn’t work, so I crawled a little way across the living area until I realized I didn’t actually have a destination in mind.

“She can’t see me like this.”

I took a deep breath and tried to regain some concentration, but all I could focus on was my alcohol breath.

“Gotta brush my teeth.”

At least now I had a plan.

Though I made it to the bathroom, the toothpaste and toothbrush just weren’t interested in cooperating with each other. I ended up spurting fluoridated gunk all over the sink then rubbing the toothbrush around in it, or at least trying to. Once I brought the brush up to my face, I realized I had missed.

“Fuck it.”

I dropped the brush in the sink and stumbled to the kitchen. I pulled open a couple of drawers, looking for gum but came up empty-handed.

“Better to smell like smoke,” I announced to the room. My cigarettes were still in my pocket, so at least it didn’t take any effort to find them. I made my way to the balcony, slid down the wall until I was firmly planted on my ass, and lit up.

I chain smoked for a few minutes until I was pretty sure there wasn’t any other stench on me but that. Of course, the brief amount of time that had passed had done nothing to sober me up, and everything around me was still spinning a bit.

It was brief, wasn’t it? How long had I been sitting here?

I shook my head to try to clear it, which was a big mistake. I tried to count the cigarette butts that lay between my feet to judge how long I’d been there, but those little fuckers were less cooperative than the toothpaste had been. Staring at them nauseated me. I took a long breath through my nose and let it out my mouth as I stared at a single cigarette butt that had made it into the bucket and tried to add it to the count. Focusing on a small object helped to slow the circling motion of the world around me.

I heard the door open.

My hand started shaking a bit as I pushed myself back onto my feet and straightened the edge of my shirt. I just needed to keep myself focused long enough to say I wasn’t feeling well and go lie down.

I can do this. I can fake this. Done it plenty of times before.

I turned, checked my breathing, and opened the balcony door to see Raine placing her book bag down by the coffee table and turning to smile at me.

Her smile faded immediately.

“Bastian?”

I bumped into the kitchen island and winced as my hip jarred against it.

“Hey, babe,” I said…or maybe I slurred it.

“What’s wrong?” Raine asked as she narrowed her eyes.

“I’m ferfectly pine,” I said with a serious nod. At least, I hoped it looked serious—that was the goal. I took a couple of unsteady steps toward her.

“You’re what?”

I stopped and thought about what I had just said. It had made sense, hadn’t it? I tried to repeat the words in my head but found I had forgotten what I had said. With wandering eyes, I finally found Raine, still standing in the middle of the living room and staring at me. I smiled and walked toward her.

Well, I tried to.

Instead, I lurched off to the side a bit and had to catch my balance. A chuckle escaped from me, but when I looked at Raine, she didn’t seem amused.

“Oh shit, it’s not funny, is it?” I snickered. I didn’t intend to snicker; it just came out that way.

“Oh my God,” she murmured. “Bastian, you’re drunk.”

Shit.

Our exchange from the airport bar where I almost took a shot ran through my head. We had just returned to civilization, and I’d gone from blissful isolation to being surrounded by crowds demanding Raine’s attention. At the first opportunity, I found a place that would serve me vodka.