“I know, Mom. I know. I simply can’t imagine the thought of my own child growing up without me there to help raise him or her.”
“And that’s a beautiful thing about you, West.”
He shrugged, as if to shake off her compliment. She knew her son better than he realized. And she knew he wouldn’t settle for anything less than a hero’s effort in this situation.
But sometimes, what was called for was more finesse and thoughtfulness, instead of a soldier’s boldness.
“Just go slowly. This is big, life-altering stuff, but you’ve got time to figure things out.”
She could see by his expression he wanted to argue with her, but to his credit, he nodded, and she could see her advice sinking in. She’d always loved that about West-that he had the rare ability to listen, when he wasn’t barging forward with his agenda.
Soleil and West, having a baby together…by accident. It wasn’t anything like the future she’d imagined for her son, but she could see the glimmers of a really beautiful life for them, if they could move past their differences long enough to let love take hold.
And Julia, for her part, would do whatever she could to help things along in the right direction.
CHAPTER FIVE
TWO DAYS HAD PASSED since she’d broken the news to West, and Soleil hadn’t yet heard from him. The silence, frankly, was making her nervous. Was he just taking his time absorbing the news, or was he preparing to launch an attack on her life, some kind of conquer-and-occupy scenario? The longer he went without contacting her, the more she believed the latter. Did she really have the fortitude to stand up to him in a win-at-all-costs battle?
Thank goodness she only had two more days until her current batch of kids would go home, and the farm would shut down for winter break. She could hardly wait. Usually she hated to see them leave, but, with everything else going on, keeping up with them, overseeing their work and refereeing their battles all seemed to require too much of her limited stamina.
Soleil sat down at the computer, opened her Web browser and logged into her e-mail account. She was exhausted, and she hoped like crazy that she wouldn’t have any urgent business e-mail waiting to be dealt with.
Twenty-two new messages appeared, about half of which were junk. She set about deleting those, while scanning the subject lines of the relevant ones. One from her mother, ugh. One from the farm’s development coordinator, which was likely urgent since it concerned a deadline for a grant they were applying for.
She opened it, scanned the message and decided it could wait until morning when she had a clearer head to write coherently.
Next she opened her mother’s message with a sense of obligation. They hadn’t been in contact for far too long. In fact, Soleil hadn’t exactly gotten around to telling her mother she was pregnant, and now her guilt was growing by the day. There wasn’t any simple way to explain away her silence. At least she’d sort of had an excuse with West.
Hi, Soleil,
Are you still alive? I haven’t heard from you in ages. Did I mention my latest book will be out in two months? Will you be coming to visit for the holidays? I was hoping to spend a little time with you before I go on tour to promote the book. My publicist has four months’ worth of readings and college speaking engagements lined up for me, and who knows if I’ll survive.
Love, Mom
That was her mother’s morbid sense of humor talking-amazing how she managed to work two death references into one casual e-mail. Former U.S. Poet Laureate Anne Bishop had never been known for her lightness of heart.
Soleil yawned and clicked Reply. Dealing with West over the holidays was about as much emotional turmoil as she could handle right now. She’d better let her mom know now that she was going to stay here for the Christmas festivities, so Anne could make alternate plans.
Hi, Mom,
Sorry you haven’t heard from me. I’ve been busy and exhausted-which leads me to the news I have. I’m sorry to say I won’t be visiting during the holidays. Maybe I’ll make it down right after the new year, but for now I need the time to rest. I’ve had a particularly demanding group of kids this session. Congrats on the book release, by the way!
Love, S
There.
She was still unofficially the worst daughter in northern California for not telling her mom she was pregnant, but she’d have to sort that out after Christmas. For now, she was relieved to have one less holiday thing to think about.
Why was she so reluctant to tell people?
It was a question she’d been avoiding for months. Avoidance-her new hobby, apparently. And it went beyond any embarrassment in admitting she was reneging in her I-don’t-want-kids stance. As she stared at the computer screen, at the long column of e-mail messages she still needed to read and respond to, the question wouldn’t leave her alone.
Why?
The baby was going to arrive, regardless of whether she told the people who needed to know. But that wasn’t an excuse.
The baby was going to arrive, and it was going to transform her into someone new, just as her body was being transformed now. She wasn’t even sure if she was going to like her new self. She certainly wasn’t all that crazy about her new, rotund body, with its awkwardness and quickly shrinking mobility.
She feared her life was going to morph the same way. She’d go from the ease of singledom to the difficulty of single parenthood. And no one knew that difficulty better than her mother, even if she liked to claim she’d had no problems raising her daughter alone.
Telling Anne, telling West, telling the world-it amounted to admitting that she was about to give up life as she knew it.
Although she’d never imagined herself being happy about an unplanned pregnancy, in the moments after she’d seen the plus sign appear on her home pregnancy kit, Soleil had felt all sorts of unexpected emotions. Bewilderment had given way to hope. She hadn’t been horrified. She’d been excited. She hadn’t been depressed. She’d been happy. And she’d known without a moment’s doubt that she wanted the baby. In that initial rush of excitement though, she’d failed to weigh all the consequences that had begun to weigh on her as the months passed and her changing body made her shifting reality more and more clear.
As much as she embraced the idea of having her baby, she was terrified of losing herself.
There. She’d admitted it. Not sure what to do with that fact, but she felt as if she could breathe a little easier now.
The sound of toenails clicking against wooden floors was a welcome distraction. She looked down to find Silas next to her, which reminded her of the thing she’d been promising herself she’d do with Tonio all day. She glanced at the clock-it was nine, so he’d still be awake.
The kids were expected to be in bed by ten, and after 9:00 p.m. was quiet reading time.
Soleil tugged gently on the dog’s collar.
“Lie down,” she commanded, and Silas did as she asked.
She stood. “Stay.” The dog’s muscles twitched, wanting to follow her. “No,” she said. “Stay.”
As she turned and left the room, he stayed still. His mournful gaze said he didn’t like the situation, but he wasn’t going to disobey.
She closed the door to the study-the coziest, most comforting room in the house-and went off in search of Tonio. She found him in the kitchen, getting himself a glass of water.
“Hey,” she said, “I need to show you something in my office.”
He took a long drink, put the glass down, then followed her out of the kitchen. When they reached the closed study door, he hesitated.
“What’s in there?” he said.
It was time to work on his fear of dogs.
“My dog, Silas, is in there lying down. I’m going to go inside and hold on tight to his collar. I want you to come in and get used to being near him.”
But Tonio was already shaking his head and backing away. “No way. I’m outta here.”
She placed a hand on his arm. “Tonio. I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to do, okay? Do you believe me about that?”
He looked at her warily, his huge brown eyes half concealed by overgrown bangs that gave him a bit of a sheepdog look himself.
“An important thing to understand about dogs is that they can be trained to behave well. Silas is very well trained. As long as I’ve had him, he’s never disobeyed me. If I tell him to stay, he’ll stay. He won’t come near you unless I allow him to.”
He looked away and shrugged, trying hard to show that he didn’t give a damn about her dog’s obedience training.
“Were you hurt by a dog?” she asked.
His eyes flashed fear as he looked at her then looked away again. “Yeah,” he half choked out.
“Will you tell me what happened?”
Silence.
She sighed. “You don’t have to, but it might help.”
More silence. But Soleil could be patient. Finally, standing her ground with the awkward silence paid off.
“I was little,” he started, trying to appear cooler than he actually was. “Maybe four years old, and my family’s dog attacked me one day when I got too near his food bowl while he was eating.”
She let her hand slide down his arm to his hand, which she held tight, hoping he’d feel safe to keep talking.
“That must have been terrifying,” she said when he went silent.
“I don’t remember that much about it anymore. I remember it hurt a lot, and the dog’s mouth…it looked so much scarier with blood on its muzzle. White fur, all stained with blood.”
She could see from this distance in his gaze that he’d gone there mentally.
“How did you get away from the dog?”
“My mom found us and pulled him off me.”
“Is that how you got the scar on your neck?”
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