“Breadbox,” he answered and I blinked, feeling a tear slide down my cheek.

“What?”

“His casket. The size of a breadbox.”

At his words, what they conjured and knowing that memory was burned on his brain, the sob tore from my throat. I couldn’t stop it and it was so strong it seared a path of fire.

“Joe –”

“She’d been straight since before she got pregnant. The longest she’d gone. I thought we had it beat.”

“You don’t have to explain this to me.”

He went on like I didn’t speak. “The Bonnie she was, I’d never leave her with him, not with Dad that fuckin’ sick. I’d never even have a kid with her. But I didn’t think she was that Bonnie anymore.”

“Joe –”

“So I left her with him.”

“You didn’t have a choice, baby. You had to keep your family fed.”

“I thought we had it beat,” he murmured.

“Stop it, honey. You weren’t responsible for that.”

He pulled in breath, closed his eyes and kept them closed a long time before he opened them. Then his fingers wrapped around my wrist and he pulled my hand down to his chest so I could feel the strength of his heartbeat.

“He’s here, buddy, that’s all I could take, that’s all I need. I had to let go the rest. The rest is too much,” he told me.

I was a mother and I was a widow. I knew better than that.

“You need all you can get,” I whispered.

“Can’t take anymore,” he replied.

I pressed my hand into his chest. “That just isn’t true.”

“Vi –”

“Bring him home.”

“Violet –”

“Let me bring him home.”

“Buddy –”

I pulled my hand from his and put it back to his face. “He’s a part of you and I want you, all of you. I want my girls to have all of you. Joe, honey, please let me bring him home.”

We stared at each other again for a long time before Joe whispered a tortured, “Fuck… get it.”

I didn’t delay. I let him go, jumped from the bed and went to the dresser. I pulled the picture frame from the drawer and hustled back to our bed. Then I climbed into Joe’s lap, snuggled close and kept my eyes glued to his face when I turned the picture to him.

Joe’s eyes locked on the picture and the pain came back, stronger, contorting his features as I felt his body turn solid against mine.

When he didn’t say anything, I whispered, “You looked at peace.” My tears could be heard in my words but Joe’s eyes didn’t move from the picture.

“I had the world sleepin’ on my chest,” he replied, his voice low, thick.

I looked at the photo. “Funny how the world can fit in your arm.”

“Funny,” Joe repeated quietly and I looked at him to see that now he was looking at me and then his arm slid around me.

“Joe –” I started, new tears gliding down my face.

“Put him on your shelves, buddy.”

I hugged the photo to my chest and wiped the wetness from my cheeks. The only words there were to say were the words I said.

“Thank you.”

Before I could move he asked, “Girls there when Theresa gave you that?”

I nodded. “Keira said you looked hot, even holding a baby.”

A short laugh came from him. It sounded startled like he didn’t think he’d ever laugh again.

Then he looked down at my chest and muttered, “Fuck.”

“What?” I whispered and his eyes came to mine.

“He’d be old enough to date Kate,” he answered.

I didn’t know what to do with this or what Joe was doing with it so I stayed still and silent and waited.

“Fuck,” Joe repeated.

I braved the uncertain vibe and informed him, “He got even a little of you, Dane wouldn’t stand a chance,” Joe looked at me and I continued, “or Keira would make him her mission and they’d likely be fightin’ over him.”

His hand slid up my back until his fingers sifted into my hair.

“It sucks, sayin’ this, I hate to say it but I’m going to,” he said.

“What?”

“He lived, I might still be with her and you’d be next door and I wouldn’t be right here.”

Quickly, I reminded him, “For good or for bad, that didn’t happen, Joe.”

“You’d be here, alone, or… fuck, you’d be with Haines,” he went on like I didn’t speak.

I was seeing that this was heading down the way, way, way wrong path.

“Joe, don’t. Life is life, baby. That’s all it is.”

His eyes locked with mine.

“It’d never be good with her, she wasn’t gonna change and she didn’t. But, if he lived, I’d never leave her and that’s all I’d have. Except for Nicky, I’d never have somethin’ sweet.”

I set the picture on the nightstand and moved to straddle him, pushing him to his back.

“Yes you would,” I pressed my face into his neck and my lips to his skin. “I saw you, I’d go all Tina and do everything to catch your eye. Watering my flowers in a bikini and all sorts of shit. We wouldn’t be able to fight the attraction and we’d have a torrid affair,” I told him. “It would suck and I’d feel shit but you’d leave her for me and I’d pay you back by givin’ you all sorts of sweet things.”

As I spoke, my lips travelled his neck and throat and his hands started roaming my body.

“You’re full of shit, buddy. I’d see you waterin’ your flowers in a bikini, I’d come onto you and you’d go prude and freeze me out.”

I lifted my head and looked down on him just as his fingers curled around my breast.

“Joe, you fucked me on the hood of your car even when I was seriously pissed at you,” I reminded him. “I think we can take it as read I wouldn’t go prude.”

His thumb swiped my nipple, my lips parted and my hips jerked. At this, his eyes grew dark in a seriously sexy way and his lips tipped up at the ends.

“Yeah,” he muttered, “forgot about that.”

I blinked then felt my body get tight. “You forgot?”

His lips curled into a full-on smile. “Thanks for reminding me.”

Even though I knew he didn’t forget and was just fucking with me, I still heard an angry noise escape my throat and I started to pull away but Joe rolled so he was on top and his face disappeared in my neck as his thumb circled my nipple.

“We had an affair, buddy, we’d probably have to do it on the GT more than once,” he noted against my neck.

“We’d have to do it so you’d remember we did it before,” I snapped back but this wasn’t as effective as it should have been since my breathing was getting heavy and my legs were moving to tangle with his.

I felt his chuckle against my skin then his lips moved to my jaw. “We’d probably have to do it in the car too.”

“Would you remember that?”

He ignored my semi-irate question. “And be creative about other places we did it.”

“Joe –”

“In your car.”

“Joe –”

“In your garage.”

“Joe –”

“In my truck.”

“Joe!”

His mouth went to mine and I stopped breathing at what I saw in his eyes.

“You’re right, though. We would have found each other.”

My body relaxed under his and I whispered, “Joe.”

His head came up and he grinned slow. “You realize, buddy, that we’re discussing the ways I’d cheat on Bonnie.”

It struck me that we actually were and that was kind of funny therefore I giggled.

Then I said through a smile and while running my fingers along his scar, up his cheekbone and into his hair. “I met her once, honey, and I didn’t like her much so I’m not too broken up about that.”

His head came down and he kissed me through his gentle laughter.

Then he fucked me but nothing about that was gentle.

It would be later, when I was almost asleep, that I realized we’d both laughed about Bonnie but, more importantly, Joe had done it.

And I fell asleep thinking that, even though it was funny, what we said was also probably true.

And that was even funnier.

* * *

The next morning while Kate and Keira were running around like they’d never gotten ready for school in their lives, Keira working herself into a frenzy because it was her first day in high school and Joe was making them oatmeal and being calm which had no effect on them being in a tizzy, I walked out with the photo frame filled with Joe and Nicky and I put it on the shelves.

Kate saw, smiled at me but she didn’t say a word.

Keira didn’t see me because she was arguing with Joe. “But Joe, I can’t eat oatmeal. My stomach feels funny.”

“Nerves, baby, eat,” Joe replied.

“I’ll get sick,” Keira returned.

“No you won’t,” Joe said.

Keira looked at me and cried, “Mom!”

“Eat your oatmeal, honey,” I told her.

She stomped a foot on a repeated, annoyed, “Mom!”

“Keirry, the last time you vomited you were in second grade and had the flu. The last time you threatened to vomit was two days ago,” I said. “You need food or you’ll get cranky before second period. Eat your oatmeal.”

“Argh!” she shouted and then snatched up her oatmeal.

Keira ate her oatmeal and we had seven more dramas before she and Kate climbed into Kate’s Fiesta and they headed out while Joe and I waved them good-bye (well, Joe stood by me while I waved good-bye, he didn’t wave).

When they were out of sight, I turned and moved into Joe, wrapping my arms around him. I looked up at him and he looked down at me.

“Shit, my baby’s in high school,” I muttered.

“Yeah,” was his only reply.

“Shit,” I repeated, pressed my face into his chest and his fingers wrapped around the back of my neck.

“Let’s just hope she doesn’t snag a boyfriend on day one,” Joe told the top of my head.