MRS BODKIN

Rupert Campbell-Black’s ancient housekeeper.


ROSALIE BRANDON

A bossyboots attached to the London office of Shepherd Denston, the music agents.


MILES BRIAN-KNOWLES

Detested deputy-managing director of the RSO, a snake in furry caterpillar’s clothing, who is after Mark Carling’s job.


DAVIE BUCKLE

A beaming bruiser and RSO timpanist.


EDDIE CAMPBELL-BLACK

Rupert’s father, an unreformed rake, just emerged from a fifth marriage and raring to go.


RUPERT CAMPBELL-BLACK

Ex-world show-jumping champion, now one of the world’s leading owner-trainers. Still Mecca for most women.


TAGGIE CAMPBELL-BLACK

Rupert’s wife — an angel and the apple of his once roving eye.


MARCUS CAMPBELL-BLACK

Rupert’s son by his first marriage. A pianist whose path to the top is only impeded by asthma and nerves, both chiefly induced by his father.


TABITHA CAMPBELL-BLACK

A ravishing tearaway. Rupert’s daughter, also by his first wife.


CANDY

A comely rank-and-file RSO viola player.


LINDY CARDEW

The mettlesome wife of Rutminster’s planning officer.


MARK CARLING

Beleaguered managing director of the RSO.


HAN CHAI

A very young Korean contestant in the Appleton Piano Competition.


TONY CHARLTON

The indefatigable and perennially cheerful stage manager of the RSO. Known as ‘Charlton Handsome’.


MISS CHATTERTON

Marcus Campbell-Black’s piano teacher, known as ‘Chatterbox’.


LADY CHISLEDON

A lusty old trout and member of the RSO board.


CHRISSIE

An obsequious Northern Television minion.


CLARE

Another very pretty RSO rank-and-file viola player, also the orchestra Sloane.


CLARISSA

Principal Cello, RSO.


CLIVE

Rannaldini’s sinister black-leather-clad henchman.


THE BISHOP OF COTCHESTER

Another silly old fossil.


CRYSTELLE

A bullying beautician from Parker and Parker’s department store.


OLD CYRIL

Fourth Horn, RSO. Heavy drinker. Onetime great player.


HOWARD DENSTON

Wideboy partner in Shepherd Denston, the toughest music agents in New York.


HOWIE DENSTON

Howard’s son, a mega-manipulator, who runs the London office.


NICHOLAS DIGBY

The harassed orchestra manager, or ‘fixer’ of the RSO, who has the unenviable task of getting the right number or players on and off the platform. Known as ‘Knickers’.


MRS DIGGORY

Heroic cleaner of the Celtic Mafia’s Bordello.


DIZZY

Rupert Campbell-Black’s head groom.


DMITRI

A lyrical and lachrymose cellist, later Principal Cello of the RSO.


BLUE DONOVAN

Second Horn of the RSO — blue-eyed Irishman of great charm, who covers for Viking O’Neill, both on the platform and in life. Founder member of Viking’s gang, known as the ‘Celtic Mafia’.


DIXIE DOUGLAS

A Glaswegian hunk, whose light duties as an RSO trombone player leave him rather too much time to hell-raise and troublemake. Another member of the Celtic Mafia.


MRS EDWARDS

Helen Campbell-Black’s underworked cleaner.


ELDRED

A beleaguered Principal Clarinet.


ERNESTO

A bribable Italian judge at the Appleton Piano Competition.


FRANCIS FAIRCHILD

Second Desk First Violin of the RSO nicknamed the ‘Good Loser? because he’s always mislaying his possessions.


LIONEL FIELDING

Leader of the RSO. A vainglorious narcissist.


HUGO DE GINÈSTRE

The charming, chivalrous, French-Canadian Co-leader of the RSO.


GISELA

Sir Rodney Macintosh’s cherishing housekeeper.


ROWENA GODBOLD

Charismatic bloude First Horn of the Cotchester Chamber Orchestra (CCO), the RSO’s deadly rivals.


PABLO GONZALES

An ancient Spanish pianist of great renown.


HELEN GORDON (formerly CAMPBELL-BLACK)

Rupert’s first wife, now married to his old chef d’équipe, Malise Gordon. A legendary beauty and devoted mother of Marcus and less so of Tabitha.


GILBERT GREENFORD

A caring beard from the Arts Council. Mark Carling’s cross.


GWYNNETH

A caftanned barrel from the Arts Council, Gilbert Greenford’s ‘partner’ and another of Mark Calling’s crosses.


RANDY HAMILTON

Third Trumpet from a brass-band and Army background. Another Celtic Mafia hell-raiser.


HERMIONE HAREFIELD

World-famous diva and Rannaldini’s mistress, who brings out the Crippen in all of us.


DIRTY HARRY

A bass player who never washes.


LYSANDER HAWKLEY

Rupert Campbell-Black’s jockey, the man who made husbands jealous.


HARVEY THE HEAVY

George Hungerford’s chauffeur and minder.


OLD HENRY

Oldest member of the RSO, once auditioned successfully for Toscanini, now rank-and-file First Violin.


ANTHEA HISLOP

A pianist, mostly employed for her sex appeal.


GEORGE HUNGERFORD

An extremely successful property developer.


MOTHER MARIA

A radiant Reverend Mother.

IMMACULATA


FAT ISOBEL

A very large viola player.


JISON

A dodgy local car dealer.


BRUCE KENNEDY

American pianist and judge at the Appleton Piano Competition.


KEVIN

A social worker.


MARIA KUSAK

A violin soloist, also employed for her sex appeal.


LORD LEATHERHEAD

Chairman of the RSO and crashing bore on the subject of bottled water.


BORIS LEVITSKY

A glamorous Russian conductor/composer. A bear with a very sore heart as a result of his wife Rachel’s suicide.


LILI

A bribable German judge in the Appleton Piano Competition.


LINCOLN

Fifth Horn of the RSO.


HILARY LLOYD

Second Clarinet of the RSO. An utter bitch known as the ‘Swan of Purley’ because she’s very refined and having an affaire with the leader. Hell-bent on becoming First Clarinet.


SIR RODNEY MACINTOSH

Musical Director and Principal Conductor of the RSO. Absolute sweetie and sly old fox, who lets others do the worrying.


GEORGIE MAGUIRE

World-famous singer and song writer.


CARL MATTHESON

Homespun American contestant in the Appleton Piano Competition.


JUNO MEADOWS

Second Flute of the RSO. Tiny and tantalizingly pretty, known as the ‘Steel Elf’.


MARY MELVILLE

Principal Second Violin of the RSO. A doting mother known as ‘Mary-the-Mother-of-Justin’.


SISTER MERCEDES

A very butch nun.


QUINTON MITCHELL

Third Horn of the RSO who wants to be First Horn.


SALVADOR MOLINARI

A naughty Colombian playboy.


MILITANT MOLL

A fiercely feminist rank-and-file viola player of the RSO.


ALEXEI NEMEROVSKY

Principal dancer of the Cossak Russe Ballet Company, known as ‘The Treat from Moscow’.


NELLIE NICOLSON

Third Desk cellist of the RSO known as ‘Nellie the Nympho’.


NINION

Second Oboe. Militant Moll’s exceedingly hen-pecked boyfriend.


NORIKO

An adorably pretty Japanese; rank-and-file First Violin of the RSO.


DECLAN O’HARA

Irish television presenter and megastar. Managing director of Venturer Television.


DEIRDRE O’NEILL

Irish judge at the Appleton Piano Competition, fond of a drop, known as ‘Deirdre of the Drowned Sorrows’.


VICTOR (VIKING) O’NEILL

First Horn and hero of the orchestra because of his great glamour, glorious sound and rebellious attitude. The Godfather of the Celtic Mafia.


SIMON PAINSHAW

First Oboe of the RSO. A walking Grove’s Dictionary who spends his time brooding on his reeds.


PEGGY PARKER

Owner of Parker and Parker department store in Rutminster High Street. A bossy boots and overbearing member of the RSO board.


ROGER ‘SONNY’ PARKER

Her frightful son, a composer of even more frightful modern music.


MISS PARROTT

The rather heavenly RSO harpist.


JULIAN PELLAFACINI

The highly respected leader of the New World Symphony Orchestra.


LUISA PELLAFACINI

His lovely bosomy wife.


NATALIA PHILIPOVA

An apparently untalented Czechoslovak pianist.


PETER PLUMPTON

First Flute of the RSO.


MISS PRIDDOCK

Mark Carling’s secretary, beloved of Old Cyril. An unfazed old trout.


ROBERTO RANNALDINI

Mega-Maestro and arch fiend, currently musical director of the New World Symphony Orchestra.


KITTY RANNALDINI