“Or your friend in New York?” She knew him better than he thought. “Did you send her an e-mail tonight?” she queried. She looked like a huntress going after her prey, and he shook his head. He hadn't e-mailed her, he had called her instead.

“Don't make more of that than it is, Pam. It is what it is. She's an old friend.”

“I know you better than that. You're a hopeless romantic, Brad. That's just the sort of thing you'd fall head over heels into, especially if it's a hopeless case.”

“Don't be silly.” He tried to brush her off, but what she said sounded right. He had been a hopeless romantic years before, when he met Pam. But she had stamped it out of him long since, or so he thought. He didn't believe what she was saying about his feelings for Faith. He was smarter than that. And Pam was just being territorial and defending her turf. She wanted to make it clear that she still owned him, whether she wanted him or not, or he her.

Their guests all left around eleven o'clock, and Pam's father had a car and driver pick him up. He didn't like to drive at night anymore. And as Pam and Brad walked upstairs, Brad looked at his watch.

“Do you have a hot date?” she teased. She was on his case a lot these days, although he had noticed her flirting with several men that night. She didn't hesitate to do that in front of him, or even kiss them on the mouth. She did whatever she liked, no matter what she said to him about Faith.

“Actually,” he said casually, “I was thinking of going to church.”

“Oh my God. You don't have a mistress. You've lost your mind. Why on earth would you do that?”

“I think it's a nice thing,” he said calmly, trying not to be annoyed by what she said.

“If you get religious on me, Brad, I want a divorce. Another woman, I can handle. A religious freak, I can't. That would really be too much.” He had to smile to himself, wondering what she would think if she knew he had sent rosary beads to Faith. That was about as religious as it got, but he had known how meaningful it would be to her, and was thrilled it had been.

“It's a nice tradition, and I miss the boys,” he said honestly. It had been a lonely holiday for him. They were the only allies he normally had in his own house.

The dinner with her father and friends had been painful for him, but he had been a good sport. He always was.

“I miss them too, but I'm not running to church. There must be other ways to deal with it,” she said, as she kicked off her shoes, and dropped her earrings on her dressing table.

“To each his own, I guess,” he said, left their bedroom, and walked downstairs. He didn't need her approval to go to church. “I'll be back in an hour,” he called up to her as he put on his coat, and she came out of their bedroom barefoot and half dressed with a grin.

“Give me a little warning if you're planning to become a priest.”

“Don't worry, I will.” He smiled up at her. “No danger yet. It's just mass on Christmas Eve. I think I'm safe. Merry Christmas, by the way.” He stood looking up at her for a long moment, feeling sad, wishing he still felt more for her, but he hadn't in a long time, and neither had she.

“Thanks, Brad. You too,” she said, and disappeared.

He took his Jeep out of the garage, and drove to St. Dominic's at Steiner and Bush. It was a large beautiful old Gothic church, and as he walked up the steps, he could see a cluster of tall pine trees on either side of the main altar, banks of poinsettias, and the church was mostly candle-lit. The shrine to Saint Jude was off to the right, and there were rows of candles there as well. He decided to go there first, and he lit candles for Faith and Jack, and he knelt for a moment, thinking of her, and his old friend. He didn't know what prayers he should say or even how, all he did was think of them, and wish them well. And he was grateful that some unseen force had brought Faith back into his life.

He took a seat in a pew toward the rear of the church, and was impressed by the beauty and pomp and ceremony of the midnight mass. And when they sang “Silent Night” toward the end, there were tears rolling slowly down his cheeks. He wasn't sure why, or whom they were for, or even what he was crying about. All he knew was that he was deeply moved. And when he went home that night, he felt lighter than he had in years. It was an odd sense of peace and joy and ease. He smiled as he drove home, and for an odd moment, he felt as though Jack were riding in the car with him.





13


ON CHRISTMAS MORNING, FAITH AND ZOE AND ALEX exchanged their gifts. Zoe had bought her mother a terrific leather backpack to use at school, and a long wool scarf so she'd look like one of the kids. And Alex had bought Faith a pretty gold bracelet at Cartier. She had given him a new suit, and some shirts and ties. And she'd given Zoe tiny diamond studs for her ears. All their gifts to each other were a great success. And their Christmas dinner was peaceful and uneventful, although they all admitted they missed Eloise. Faith had cooked a turkey, with her famous stuffing that they all loved, but somehow three at the dining table seemed a little sparse. They tried to call Eloise, but she was out when they called, and by the end of the day, Faith was feeling a little sad. She didn't like the idea that her family was shrinking, even for a year, although Ellie had promised that she'd be home for the holidays next year. And Brad called her right after they finished dinner, to thank her for her handsome gift. She answered the phone in the kitchen, while she was cleaning up. Alex and Zoe were sitting in the living room, drinking coffee, and talking, and admiring the tree. It was a rare civilized moment between them and Faith was relieved. She thought it might be Eloise when she answered the phone, and was surprised to hear Brad.

“Thank you for my wonderful books. They're incredible. They're going to be the best-looking thing in my office, Fred. Thank you so much.” He had been very proud of them when he unwrapped them, and very touched. And he had been careful to open them when he was by himself, to avoid unnecessary comment from Pam.

“They're not as beautiful as my rosary beads,” she said happily. It had been hard to find the right gift for him. She didn't want to give him anything too personal, and everything else she'd looked at seemed wrong. The books seemed to strike the right note between them. They were special and valuable, but not too intimate, almost like a symbol of what existed between them, although she had known him long enough to be outrageous if she chose, but she thought she had better not.

“I went to church last night,” he volunteered. “At St. Dominic's, and I lit candles for you and Jack at the altar of Saint Jude. He's your guy, right?”

“He's my guy,” she smiled. “That's really nice. Who'd you go with?” He had told her Pam was an atheist, and she couldn't imagine that she had gone too.

“I went by myself. What about you?” But in truth, he felt as though he had gone with her and Jack. He had felt their presence with him during the entire mass.

“Zoe met me at church. It was nice, just the two of us. We walked home afterward, and it started to snow. The perfect Christmas Eve.”

“How was Christmas dinner?”

“It was okay. It's kind of small with just the three of us. I'll be happier when Ellie's home next year. What about you?”

“The entire state of California is coming to dinner in black tie in two hours. I can hardly wait. It's so intimate and meaningful. Really kind of touches your heart to see a hundred near-strangers stampeding through your living room, shoving hors d'oeuvres down their throats and guzzling champagne. It really reminds you of the true meaning of Christmas. It's a shame you're not here.” She laughed at the description, and couldn't even begin to imagine it. As quiet as their Christmas had been, his seemed even worse. “Pam has a real knack for creating intimate gatherings that make people feel special for being here,” he teased, wishing he could be there with her, although that certainly would have been awkward and hard to explain, even to her.

“Maybe you can just give in to it, and have some fun, and not expect it to be anything more than it is,” she suggested, trying to be helpful.

“That's kind of what I do. That, and a lot of white wine. These gatherings are a little tough to stomach if you don't drink.” She had noticed he drank very little when they had dinner, so she could hardly imagine him getting drunk, even in self-defense. “What are you doing tonight?”

“Going to bed.”

“Lucky you. I'll call you tomorrow, or send you an e-mail.” He was going back to work the next day, and he was relieved that he was. He had had enough of the holidays, without the boys they meant nothing to him.

“Merry Christmas, Brad. Have a nice time tonight. You may be pleasantly surprised.”

“Maybe so,” he said, sounding vague, and thinking of her.

They hung up, and she cleaned up the kitchen, and as she was finishing Zoe came in, and asked for some money to go to the movies with her friends.

“Just take what you need out of my purse,” she said as she dried her hands, and hung up the apron she had worn over a black silk dress and a string of pearls. She had worn her blond hair in a French twist, and looked like a young Grace Kelly when she did. She pointed to the handbag she had left on one of the kitchen chairs the night before, when she came home from church. Zoe fished around for a minute, and then looked up at her.

“What are these?” She was holding the rosary beads from Brad. They had fallen out of the little satin pouch and were loose in her purse.

“They're rosary beads,” Faith said matter-of-factly She'd had them in her hands at mass the night before, but Zoe hadn't noticed them.