“What was Gavin’s reaction?” he finally asked.

“He wanted another chance. Asked me to try and trust him again. Said he’d never leave. But I know the truth, Andy. I’ll be left behind. I always am.”

Andy cocked his head. “How do you know?”

She peered at him from under the blanket. “I just know. I’m not following him to Europe, and I won’t turn him into a martyr. He’d eventually end up hating me and leaving anyway.” She wrinkled her nose. “It’s a mess. We’re a mess. First I wanted nothing to do with him. Then I thought if we had sex, I’d get him out of my system. Then I realized I’m still in love with him.”

“Nothing like a woman who knows her own mind.”

She glowered. “I need to move forward with my life. Live on my own terms and leave the past behind.”

“Huh, seems to me you’re doing the opposite. Running away from your true feelings because you’re too afraid. Gavin loves you and wants to stay. You’re not letting him choose at all. You already set him up to leave you again and break your heart. Maybe it’s time you took a good look at what you really want, and then have enough guts to go after it.”

What did she want? How had her motives gotten so screwed up? First, she’d just wanted him to leave her alone. Then she craved revenge. Moved on to sex. And now she wanted…

Everything.

Her friend’s words stirred up all the pain like a witch’s brew gone bad. No, this was for the best. Every time she tried to break through the barrier, the knowledge he’d never tried to contact her burned in her gut.

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore, Andy. I’m tired.”

He let out a frustrated breath and glared. “That’s because you’re sleeping twenty hours a day. Look, I’ll cover you for one more. Then your ass better be back to work writing a column. Got it?”

“Sure. How’s Stephen? I called Elaine before and she said everything was fine. Just the stitches and a few bruises.”

“Yeah, the little devil is back to his normal mischief. The doctor said get used to the ER, since the kid almost crawled out of the hospital bed to climb the dresser to get to the balloons.”

She smiled. “I’ll come visit this weekend.”

“Only if you shower first.”

“Deal.”

He shook his head and left. The evening dragged by, and she got caught up in old movies. She settled on The Joker’s Wild, enjoying Sinatra’s character and thinking about Gavin’s father. Soon, she was wrapped up in the push and pull of their relationship, building toward the big ending where Frank crooned the classic, All The Way, and lost the girl. Unbelievably, tears pricked her lids, threatening to escape. If only love was easy, where a song or a love letter made things magically—

Letters.

She sat up and flung back the blanket. Heart slamming against her chest, she walked into the kitchen and removed the stack of letters from the drawer.

She pulled out the envelopes and her fingers trembled. One by one, she removed the letters and read every word, smoothing out the crinkled paper, trapped in the world Gavin inhabited during those years apart. Lines of verse blurred into one another.

A bright, orange moon hangs over the skyline in Florence, and I’m thinking of you…

Calcutta has shown me another side to myself. I see the poverty in the streets, the begging for food, the smell of death. Yet, I also see joy in the children who have nothing, and never question their place in this world. I wonder, my love, if I ever really knew what was important. If perhaps my journeys have led me here…

I turned a street corner in Paris and caught your scent, but when I looked for you, there was only an empty roadway…

Why can’t I get rid of this hole in my gut? I finally got everything I ever wanted, and now I realize how empty it is without you…without my family. Have I made the biggest mistake of my life? Is it too late for me? How could I have been so wrong about the only goal I ever had…

With trembling hands, Miranda laid the letters on the table. The postmarks and smeared ink reflected a journey of the man she thought she knew. If she fought past the crippling fear of being hurt, could they have a chance at something precious? The future was uncertain. He may go back to his career and leave her behind again. They weren’t the same people any longer—their younger, more innocent selves. She’d grown up, and now took what she wanted. She had the rare opportunity to close out the past on her terms.

Wasn’t it time to face her fears?

In order to find out, she needed to re-open a door she swore she’d never unlock.

When she fell in love with Gavin, it was the first time she ever opened herself up to the idea of love. Her gamble only dragged her back to her past, where everyone important in her life walked away. She’d sworn to never be hurt like that again. These past few weeks opened her up in a new way, and pushed her to grow. Gavin demanded. Every physical reaction, every laugh, every smile. She began to like the person she was with him: strong, confident, but open. Open to life, love, hurt. It was a huge risk.

Could she finally put the past aside and be the woman she wanted to be?

Miranda sat up. God, she was so tired of being afraid. Tired of being a mere shadow of the woman who clamored out from her inner being and longed to be set free. She’s been brave enough to pick up the pieces and create a career she loved. Didn’t she deserve to give her whole heart and damn the consequences?

She needed to rediscover her strength and take a chance on the future. With the man she loved and had never been able to forget.

She had nothing more to lose.

…

Gavin snapped back the shot of tequila and barely felt the sting. Good, maybe he’d finally reach a level of numbness. The past two nights had been like descending into Dante’s Inferno, and heaven seemed an impossible climb up. Not that he deserved it. Hell was his new home now.

The drama of his thoughts wrung a laugh from his lips. His cell beeped again, and he glanced at the emergency text from his brother. Where the fuck r u?

He punched out his response. Sick. Cover fOr me.

The phone vibrated. Last time. Mom and pop worried.

Gavin sat back and refilled his glass. Being away from the restaurant for two nights in a row was criminal, and if Brando had pulled this crap he’d kill him. He’d tried to get ready, but the idea of facing his family with guilt eating his insides proved too much to handle. One more night of self-pity and drunkenness. One more night of incredible pain and self-recriminations. Then he’d get himself together.

He ignored the doorbell and figured the person would go away. When the banging became insistent, he muttered a curse and flung open the door.

Miranda.

He drank in her figure with a greediness he despised. Even after destroying her, he never seemed to get enough—his hunger to immerse himself in her fire and light pulsed through him. Yet, he managed to back away and keep his distance. If she’d come to release more rage, he’d take it.

“Hello, Gavin.”

Her voice curled like smoke and singed. His gaze swept over the short lime green raincoat that left her legs bare. Mist shimmered around her hair from the rain like an angel’s halo gone naughty. Her crimson lips pursed as she waited him out. Her coat was cinched tight, but no fabric marred the swell of her breasts or neck. Dewy peach skin tempted him to take a bite, but instead he nodded and let her in.

Gavin cursed as he sprung to attention and yanked on his sweatpants. Down boy. The luscious curve of her buttocks swung as she entered his house and curiously gazed around. He hadn’t cleaned for company, and realized it looked like a bachelor pad gone wild. Empty beer bottles and junk food bags filled the surfaces. The sixty-inch television reflected a football game with the sound muted. A stadium blanket for the NY Giants lay over the leather couch, and remnants from a pizza delivery still wafted in the air. Yep. Way to impress the girl of his dreams. Not that it mattered anymore.

“I wanted to talk to you. About what we spoke about the other night.”

His gut clenched, but he made sure to look open for conversation. Gavin didn’t know if he could take anymore. The pain reflected on her face the night she confessed the truth would haunt him forever. He’d caused her misery from his selfishness, and no act could possibly redeem him. Her complete rejection humbled him. He swallowed past the tightness in his throat. “Of course. I’m willing to talk about anything you need. I just didn’t want to cause you any more distress.”

One red brow arched at his polite tone. “I think you left before I could properly tell you how I feel.”

He winced but readied himself for the torment. “I’m sorry. Go ahead.”

“I want you.”

Every muscle tightened. Her words roared in his ears like a flight gone turbulent. Knowing he walked the edge of insanity, he stared at her. “What?”

“When I first found out I was pregnant, of course I blamed you. You left me. But you had nothing to do with me losing the baby, and I never gave you the choice to come home. Maybe we would’ve made it, maybe not. We’ll never know. I’m tired of reliving the past, Gavin. I’ve never felt more alive since you came back into my life, and I’m willing to see if we can build something together. Something solid and new and real. I’m ready to take a gamble on us.”

He looked at the woman in front of him and realized she offered him the whole fantasy. All of her, body and soul, ready for surrender. Gavin gave up his last shred of hope and realized he needed to release her. Somehow he’d convinced her to take a chance, but it was too late. Too late for them.