“We are tired, but there's other stuff too. It has nothing to do with you. Just grown-up stuff. Honest.” He nodded, none of it was good news, but it was easier to cope with the truth than his fears. He had been so sure that it was his fault. “I love you very, very much …and so does Daddy.”

He nodded, and put his arms around her neck and kissed her. “I love you too. Will you really let me see Allie?”

“I promise.” She kissed him again and started to leave the room and he asked her to send Brad in. And when he went in, she said good night to Bjorn and Trygve. She thanked them again for finding him, and Trygve smiled at her as they left.

“Good night, Page,” he said quietly, and she felt as though their bond to each other had deepened. She had no secrets from him, and their families seemed to be becoming slowly intertwined. Brad felt something too. He glanced at her as he came back into the kitchen.

“Something going on between you two?” he asked bluntly, and she shook her head.

“No. But that's not the issue.”

“I know. I just wondered. I like him. I figured maybe you did too. He's a decent guy.”

“We've spent a lot of time together at the hospital in the last few weeks. He's a good father, and a good friend.”

Brad looked at her quietly across the kitchen. “I guess I haven't been there much for you …” His eyes filled with tears and he looked away. “I can't stand seeing her like that … so broken … so changed …she doesn't even look like Allie.”

“I know. I try not to think about it, just about what has to be done for her.” He nodded, admiring her, he just couldn't face it.

“What are we going to do about us?” he asked, and then opened the door to the garden. “Why don't we talk out here so no one hears us.”

She followed him and they sat on two chairs.

“It doesn't work this way, does it? I thought we could get away with it for a while, until I figured out what's happening. But I'm never here, you're always mad, and I feel pulled in a thousand directions. And every time I get home, I see Andy looking at me, or the hurt or anger in your eyes, or I realize I can barely make myself go see Allie …” And Stephanie was pushing him to move in with her, and he wasn't sure he was ready to do that either. “Maybe I should stay somewhere for a while. In a way, I'd rather be here. But it doesn't work for anyone.” She thought long and hard about what he was saying. At first, she had wanted him to stay at home too, but not the way things were now. It was nightmarish this way, and they both knew it. They had to face it. It was over.

She caught her breath before she said the words, and once they were out, she couldn't believe she'd said them. If anyone had told her a month before, she wouldn't have believed them. “I think you should move out,” she said in barely more than a whisper.

“You do?” He looked surprised as he stared at her. But in a way, it was a relief to hear her say it.

“I do.” She nodded slowly. “It's time. We've been kidding ourselves for the past few weeks. I think it was over long before I knew it. You would never have told me what you were doing, about …your other life …unless you were ready to let go of this one. I just didn't understand that when you told me.”

“Maybe you're right,” he said unhappily. “Maybe I should never have said anything.” But he couldn't take it back now, he couldn't undo what he'd done, and in truth, he didn't want to. “I wish I knew the answers, Page.”

“So do I.” She looked at him, wondering how they had come to this. Was it all because of the accident, or was that just the catalyst? Things had to have been ready to fall apart before, or this would never have happened. “I always thought we had such a perfect life,” she said, thinking back on it. “Even now, I can't see where we went wrong …what we did … or should have done …”

“You couldn't have done anything,” he said honestly, “I was fucking up for a long time. You just didn't know it.”

“I guess not,” she said, suddenly grateful that she hadn't known sooner. They had had sixteen years that she cherished now. She still couldn't believe they were over. “What'll we tell Andy?” She looked worried again. It was amazing, sitting here, discussing this, like a party they were going to give, or a trip, or a funeral. She hated every minute of it, but it had to be done, it was better to face it. “We have to say something to him soon.”

“I know. We tell him the truth, I guess …that I'm an asshole.”

She smiled at him in the dark. He was an asshole at times, but she still loved him. In some ways, she would have liked to turn the clock back, in others she knew it wasn't possible. Even after only three weeks of destruction, it had gone too far now. The whole foundation of their marriage had been undermined long since, and the entire structure had finally caved in. In truth, it had been a long time coming. And the fact that she hadn't known it was happening didn't lessen the power of the collapse. Everything around them was falling.

“What do you think you'll do?” she asked quietly. “Move in with her?” It sounded like he already had, part time at least, from what her friend said.

“I don't know yet. That's what she'd like. But I need some time to catch my breath.” It wasn't going to be easy for them. Their relationship had been built on lies, and lust, and cheating. It was harder to build on something like that, and he was beginning to understand that. “When do you want me to go?”

For an instant, she wished he could still be everything she had always thought he was. But he wasn't. “Before we destroy Andy and each other,” she said, sounding calmer than she felt. “It's been getting worse pretty quickly.”

“You've been pretty angry, and you've been right,” he admitted. This was the most civilized conversation they'd had since the accident. It was sad that they had only come to their senses in time to end it. “I'll try not to aggravate things while I get organized. I'm going to New York tomorrow. I'll be back Thursday. Maybe I can figure something out by next weekend. How much longer do you think your mother will be here?” It was a little difficult ending their marriage and moving out with his mother-in-law in the guest room. But he was surprised by Page's answer.

“I'm going to ask them to leave tomorrow morning. I'm not going to have her here anymore. It's not good for me … or for Andy.” She was cleaning all of it out, him, her mother, Alexis. In their own ways, they were using her, and hurting her, and she had understood that night, as she sat talking to Trygve, and when Andy had run away after that, that it was time to stop it.

“I respect you a lot, you know,” he said softly in the night air. “I always have. I don't know where things went wrong. Maybe I wasn't ready for all you had to give.” He was twenty-eight when they got married, but he had never really given up the idea that he could do whatever he wanted, and now there was a hell of a price to pay for it.

“You'll feel better when I'm gone,” he said sadly. “You can get on with your life then.”

“I'll be lonely too. This isn't going to be easy for anyone,” she told him honestly, and then she looked at him in the dark night. “What are we going to do about Allie?”

“There's nothing we can do. That's what gets to me so badly. I don't know how you sit there night and day. I'd go crazy.”

“I'm getting there. But what if she never comes back?” she whispered.

“I don't know. I try not to think about it. What if she does, and she's not the same. You know …like that kid …Bjorn … I don't think I could stand it, knowing what she used to be. I guess we just have to accept whatever comes, don't we? At first, I thought we had more choices. But now I realize we don't. … Or maybe we did then, we could have chosen not to operate, but then we'd have killed her. We did all the right stuff, and nothing's happening. But I'll tell you one thing, if she stays in the coma indefinitely, you can't sit there for years … or it'll destroy you. You're going to have to work that out eventually.” But it was still too soon. The accident had happened a little over three weeks before. And there was still a strong possibility she could come out of the coma.

“Don't let your life turn into that, Page …” he said, pleading with her “…you deserve so much more than that …more than I had to give you.”

She nodded, and turned away, trying not to think of what it would be like when he left. She looked up at the sky then, and saw stars, as she wondered how their life had gone so wrong …how they could have come so far …how this could have happened to them …and to Al-lie….





CHAPTER 13

Page waited quietly the next morning for her mother to get up, and when she did, she made breakfast for her and Alexis, and served it to them at the kitchen table. And then she told them quietly that they had to leave, that a week had been long enough, and this was not a good time for her to have them out there. She made no reference to the night before, and no apology, and they must have known she meant business, because neither of them argued with her. Her mother said that David was missing Alexis terribly, and she had to get home herself to see about repainting her apartment.