Teresa Mummert - A Song for Us

A small sob ripped from her chest but she nodded slowly. It was physically painful to walk out of Sarah’s life, but I knew from the beginning this was the way it would end.

I made my way back to my room and picked up Sarah’s guitar, which still sat propped against the wall. I began to strum the notes to our song. It was fitting that we never finished it together, just as we would never finish what had begun between us. Every word I sang to her I meant.

As I continued to play, I thought of all the ways my life had gone wrong. Every path I chose when I knew it would only hurt me, every person I tried to love when I knew I would never get it in return. I played for hours until my fingertips were numb and I knew what I needed to do.

There was a woman who wanted my company, who desperately craved someone to love her, and maybe I could be that man for her.

Donna was amazing. She was kind and funny and didn’t look at me as if I were a mistake. I could be whom she wanted and I knew it would never be thrown back in my face.

It didn’t take long for me to make my way to her room. She had been sleeping and pushed her hair back from her face. Even when woken in the middle of the night, she was absolutely stunning.

I had a hand braced on either side of the doorframe. She smiled when she saw me and I couldn’t help but smile back at her. I reached out, running my hand over the soft angles of her jaw. She stepped forward and pressed her lips against mine. I groaned as my hand slid back into her hair, and I ran my tongue over her lower lip. Her body pressed into mine and I moaned at the physical contact I craved. I needed to feel wanted just as much as she did, and we moved against each other with an incredible hunger.

I needed to move on and make myself forget, and Donna needed the same from me. I saw it now. She wasn’t asking anything from me that I couldn’t give her. She just didn’t want to be alone. Together we could help heal old wounds and learn to move forward. I stepped forward and pushed the door closed behind me. I slipped her nightgown off her shoulders and reluctantly pulled my mouth from hers as I tugged it down over her breasts and it pooled at her feet. She was incredibly beautiful and I was a fool for not seeing it sooner. My hand slid roughly over her breast as I walked us toward her bed, not able to wait any longer to mask the ache in my chest.

SARAH

I AWOKE TO DEREK’S climbing into bed just after three in the morning. His hand slid over my breast roughly as he pushed his lips hard against mine. I shoved against his chest, but he pinned my shoulder down with his.

“Get off me!” I could smell the alcohol coming off him in waves and it was nauseating.

He reluctantly rolled off me. “Fuck,” he barked loudly as his fists came down against the bed. “What is wrong with you?”

I got up from the bed and went to the kitchen area, filling a small glass with water and drinking it down quickly as I struggled to slow my breathing.

“You caught me off guard.” I refilled my cup and drank more slowly this time.

“You were expecting someone else?” he said angrily.

I rolled my eyes. “No, Derek. I only have you.” It was painful even to say the words but it was the truth now. I had pushed away the one person who gave a damn about me for Derek, and now he was throwing it in my face. Now instead of feeling empty I felt heartbroken.

I set my cup in the sink and made my way to the desk, turning on the small table lamp so I could write. He immediately jumped from the bed to follow me.

“I have fucking needs, Sarah.” He stood over me from behind.

“I’m just not in the mood.”

“That’s the fucking point! You’re never in the mood anymore. Ever since we came here.”

“You know that’s not true, Derek.” I sighed as a tear fell to my paper, and I hunched over farther so he couldn’t see it.

“Yeah, well, it’s getting fucking old. Maybe I should find someone who actually wants me.”

“Maybe you should.” I rolled my eyes and tried to focus on the paper.

“Fine.” He stomped across the room and I jumped as the hotel-room door slammed hard. I scrambled to my feet and grabbed the tiny trash can in the kitchen as I heaved the contents of my stomach into it.

I slid down on the cool tile floor, my back against the counter as the room began to spin. I was losing control. I tried to push out the fear and sadness, welcoming the familiar emptiness that had kept me together for all of these years. I needed to shut it all off, but the hurt hung thick in the air around me. It was all I could see, feel, and breathe. I was consumed by the pain and there was no escaping it.

I wrapped my arms around my knees, hugging myself as I rocked slowly and sang in my head, begging reality to shut off.

It felt like hours, days even, that I tried to calm myself, praying that Derek would come back and tell me it was all going to be okay. But I knew that wouldn’t happen. That wasn’t who he was. I knew exactly what he was doing.

I thought of my father’s old, rusty razor, caked in dried blood. I wanted the release, a place for the feelings to go. I wanted the tangible proof of the pain that was consuming me from the inside out. Maybe if Derek saw it, he wouldn’t be able to deny what he was doing to me. Maybe then he would stop and things could change.

I pulled myself up on shaky legs as I glanced around the room with blurred vision. Stumbling into the bedroom, I grabbed my iPod and hooked it into my portable speakers, finding my favorite escape easily. The sound of Lynyrd Skynyrd filled the room as I let the sobs rip from my chest.

I struggled against the overwhelming urge, squeezing my fists so tightly, my nails dig into the tender flesh of my palms. The small bite of pain was not enough of a release. I stalked off to the bathroom and pulled open the shower curtain. My razor sat on the edge of the tub, begging me to use it. I was like a druggie needing a fix. The urge was overwhelming. It was no longer a matter of if but when.

I cupped my hand over my mouth as the hurt overwhelmed me. Only one thing could take that away, make me feel better.

I spun around and pulled open the door to my room and made my way to E.

ERIC

THE SUN WAS about to come up as I returned to my room, but I couldn’t sleep.

When a knock came at the door, I laughed to myself as I made my way to pull it open, expecting to see Donna, though I had just left her room ten minutes before. My heart stopped as I locked eyes with Sarah. Her face was pink and damp from crying.

“What did he do?” I glanced down the hall but all was quiet, and I looked back to her in confusion as she wrung her hands together nervously.

“Nothing. Can I come in?” Her chest jumped as she struggled to calm her breathing. I nodded and took a step back as she slipped inside, and I closed the door behind her. I ran my hand through my hair as the smell of her shampoo assaulted my senses. She walked over toward the bed, but had second thoughts about sitting on it.

I crossed the room and stood in front of her, forcing myself not to touch her. “Please, tell me why you’re crying.”

Her gaze fell to the floor between us and she wiped the back of her hand over her cheek and laughed nervously. “I’m a mess.”

“You’re beautiful.” I don’t know why I said it, but as her eyes met mine, I knew it was a mistake.

“Why can’t he talk to me like that?”

I blew out a hard breath as I struggled not to let this massive kick to my ego upset me. I knew she was hurting. She didn’t deserve what he put her through, even if she didn’t leave him. For whatever reason, she felt she needed to stay. I think at first it had a lot to do with not wanting to be alone, but now it seemed more like guilt, and that blame rested entirely on me.

“Because he’s a fucking idiot and he doesn’t deserve you.”

“I don’t deserve you. I’m sorry for . . . everything.”

“Don’t be sorry. I only regret that it hurts you. I knew . . .” I cleared my throat, trying to force out the truth. “I knew I would never have you.”

“I made a mistake.” Her voice was small and she sounded so fragile. I could only nod. She was right. I was a mistake and for the rest of my life I would have to carry around with me the guilt of hurting her. “I should have chosen you.”

I didn’t think my heart could break any further, the pieces so small, but I was wrong and the pain ripped through my chest. “Don’t say that. Not now. I can’t take any more. There’s been so much back-and-forth . . . I can’t take it.”

She took a step toward me and put her hand on my chest. Her touch was almost painful and I winced as the warmth of her fingertips slid over my skin.

“Now that I’m with someone else, now you want me?” I threw her own words back at her, and she flinched at my tone as if I had hit her.

“It’s not like that, E. I’ve always . . . cared about you.”

“But it won’t ever be enough. You’d rather get walked over by that asshole until he breaks you so badly that you slip back into who you were.” My gaze fell to the scars on her arms. I understood now. I wore the same scars on my heart. I would heal, but I would never be whole again.

“Please don’t yell at me.” Her voice was barely a whisper and I knew she was on the verge of tears again.

I wrapped my arms around her neck and held her against me. It was physically painful to stay away from her and equally so to hold her in my arms and know she would never be mine. “I’m so sorry, Sarah. So sorry for all of this. I should have never let you know what I was feeling.”