Looking at her computer she typed in a few things and said, “He’s in room 312.”

Pointing behind us she said, “Take the elevator to the third floor and you will find it with no problem.”

Nodding my head I said, “Thank you.”

We all turned around and walked over to the elevator. Once it opened I pressed the button for the third floor and the doors closed behind us. Ashlynn moved closer to me and wrapped her hand in mine. I looked over at her and she gave a small smile in reassurance. She was letting me know that she was here for me. I then looked over towards Jade and saw that Neil had an arm over her whispering things into her ear and I was happy that someone was comforting my sister.

When the elevator doors opened to the third floor we turned left and walked to room 312. I put my hand to the knob and could feel my hand shaking. Taking a step back I said, “I can’t do this,” and let go of Ash’s hand and went to sit in the waiting room.

What was I supposed to say someone who beat the shit out of me when I was little and messed up mine and Jade’s adult lives? I had no fucking clue. I didn’t even know where to start and the man was dying literally ten feet away from me.

I heard Ash say something to Neil and Jade. Once they opened the door and walked into the room she turned and walked straight towards me. Sitting down in a chair next to me she took my hand in hers and started rubbing her thumb back and forth. I was so ashamed and looking at the floor I spoke to her, “I can’t do this Ash.”

Placing a hand on the side of my face she turned my head so I was looking at her. Tears started pouring from my eyes and she got up from her chair and sat down on my lap. I buried my face in her neck and sobbed while she rubbed up and down my back and whispered in my ear. She told me that it was okay to cry and how much she loved me.

Gathering myself I looked up at her and said, “I love you so much, Ashlynn.”

She kissed me on the cheek and said, “I know Jason.”

Standing from my lap she sat back down in the chair and looked towards my dad’s room and started talking. “That man messed up yours and Jade’s childhoods beyond repair and you both are here at the hospital while he is dying. The both of you are such strong people and I am proud to say that Jade is my best friend.”

Turning to me she placed a hand to her stomach and said, “And I have no words to describe the adoration, respect, and love I feel for you Jason Williams. I’m left speechless. Whatever choice you make I will stand by you and respect it … but I do think you need closure. I don’t want you going through life thinking about the what-if’s, if you don’t walk in that room and confront him or tell him how you feel.” Pointing back to room 312 she said, “And you don’t have much time for finding that closure.”

This is one of the many reasons why I loved Ashlynn Miller, because she told me exactly what I needed to hear when others were sometimes too afraid to say to my face.

A couple of minutes later Neil walked out with Jade wrapped in his arm while she cried. She was so broken up that halfway to the waiting room Neil lifted my sister into his arms and cradled her. He walked over and sat in a chair smoothing her hair back away from her face. Looking over at Ashlynn I nodded my head and we both got up and walked towards room 312. This time when I placed my hand on the knob I took a deep breath and walked in closing the door behind us.

The room was dark with a bunch of machines all over the place. There were monitors and sounds beeping and signaling the morphine drip. I looked around the room and my eyes stopped on the man lying in the bed with his eyes closed with an oxygen mask around his face. He looked so fragile and weak and I started to choke up. Walking over to the side of his bed there were two chairs available and I took the one closest to him so I could release everything I had built up for twenty-one years of my life.

Ashlynn sat next to me and never let go of my hand as I vented and he never opened his eyes.

It didn’t matter to me if he was awake or asleep. The only thing that mattered to me was that I had finally told this man how badly he messed up. Not only his relationship with his children but our own relationships as people.

Leaning towards him I said, “You messed me and Jade up completely. We had childhoods that no one should have to go through and because of you I have lived my life up until recently angry with myself. Angry with how I let you get to me. I let you get into my head and mess up any opportunity I ever had. I always had your voice in the back of my head saying that I would never be good enough and that I was not worthy of love. But guess what? You were wrong.”

Pointing to Ash I said, “I fell in love with this girl a long time ago and I didn’t want to mess up with her the way you and mom messed Jade and I up. So do you want to know what I did? I pushed her away and slowly but surely with tiny baby steps she broke down my walls. She has shown me what love means and what it really is. I’m so grateful to have her in my life. Another thing you should know is that she’s pregnant with my children. We’re having twins, a boy and a girl, and unlike you I will love them unconditionally. I will build them up instead of tear them down. I will cheer them on instead of break them apart. I will hug and kiss them rather than hit them.”

Pausing I then said, “I will tell you this though. The second she told me she was pregnant I was scared out of my mind that I would become like you but I’ve realized that I make my own choices in life and after today I will never have your voice in my head telling me how royally I messed up and how I failed because the only failure I see … is you.”

Closing my eyes and opening them tears rolled down my face. Quickly wiping them away I got up from my chair and leaned into his ear so he could hear me and I whispered, “I forgive you.” Those three words had his eyes opening up and I realized he was tearing up.

Barely lifting his hand I looked down at it and placed my hand in his. I looked back up into his eyes as he pulled the oxygen mask from his face and taking a deep breath he wheezed out, “I’m so sorry Jason.”

I didn’t realize that his apology was what I needed to hear to be okay. Leaning in I kissed him on the forehead and whispered, “You can go now dad.” Sitting back down in the chair I never took my eyes away from his face as his eyes closed for the last time and the monitor line went straight and a buzz went off.

Taking a deep breath, I looked over to see Ashlynn with tears streaming down her face. I got up from my chair and pulled her up into my chest and hugged her. That hug represented how grateful I was to have her in my life and the relief that washed over me after forgiving my dad. Kissing her on the top of the head, I placed an arm around her and we walked out of the room into the waiting room where Neil was still holding Jade.

Lifting her head from Neil’s chest she looked over towards me and I shook my head. Getting up from Neil’s lap she ran over to me and I wrapped my arms around her. Calming her down Neil walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her. I wrapped my arm around Ashlynn kissing her on the forehead.

Turning back to Neil and Jade I said, “Let’s go home.” 

Chapter 16

Ashlynn

We were now in the month of December and it had been four months to the day since Jade and Jason’s dad passed away. I was also in my third trimester and doing rather well. Sitting in that hospital room with him as Jason poured out his soul to his dad was heartbreaking but I was so proud of him for talking to his dad and telling him how he felt. I knew he’d needed that closure and I just did not want him to have to go through life thinking about how he would regret not taking the opportunity to let it all out there.

Jade and Jason decided not to go to the funeral because all they really needed was to have some peace of mind and find some closure with their father. However, a month after Ben Williams’ death Jade and Jason both received letters in the mail informing them that their dad was leaving them each a large sum of money. Jason wouldn’t tell me the exact amount and I wasn’t comfortable asking but he told me that it was enough to live comfortably with the twins.

That first month after Jason’s dad’s death was rather difficult on him and I did not expect that. While he did get his closure at the hospital it all seemed to go downhill from there. He started thinking about contacting his mom but opted against it. He said he didn’t want to drag that mess into our lives when we were just getting used to it.

I also didn’t expect to see Jade and Neil becoming so close. He really took care of her after their dad’s death and I was so happy. I just hoped that she didn’t make a mistake with Neil because I could see their friendship growing into something.

This first semester of senior year was rather difficult for me because I was dealing with morning sickness and was exhausted all of the time. So I decided to take my last semester of college online. Plus I would be six months pregnant by the time the first semester ended and it was already rather difficult to fit into the desks and sit comfortably.

Explaining the whole taking my courses online to my dad was hard. He wasn’t too pleased but said that he was so proud of me either way because I was going to graduate college. He was also ecstatic about Jason and I having twins and said he could not wait to spoil them rotten. I remember having the conversation with him after Jason’s dad’s death and he said that maybe it was a sign from above that we were given both a little girl and a little boy. One to represent my mom and the other Jason’s dad.