She was smacking my back and saying, “Put me down Jason. Put me down,” but little did she know that I was never going to let go of her. I was never going to put her down, but she had to know. I had to tell her.

Making my way into the beach house with Ash on my shoulders I dropped her on the sofa in the living room and started pacing back and forth. I knew I needed to tell her. She deserved this but I just didn’t know how to go about it.

She was getting ready to say something when I placed a finger to her lips and said, “I need to tell you something Ashlynn.” With my finger still on her luscious lips she nodded her head. Without thinking I kissed her because I wasn’t sure if it would be the last or one of many but the way she was looking at me gave me the courage to finally speak up.

“Jade’s and my childhood was pretty fucked up. Dad was always belittling me and pushing me to work extremely hard. Even when I did succeed in something he would put me down and degrade me. I kind of learned to look past the verbal abuse because he didn’t matter to me all that much. But the physical abuse was a completely different story.”

I heard Ash gasp and she was about to say something when I shushed her and said, “He’s a drunk but he’s one of the top attorneys in the country so he got away with a lot of bullshit. When we were little there were little shoves here or there but as we got older the physical abuse got a hell of a lot worse. Jade had missed curfew once. I think we were in middle school and he was about to kick her in the side when I pushed her out of the way to protect her. Needless to say, I wasn’t able to go to baseball practice for a week but he never hit Jade again.

The sick bastard knew how to hit me without showing physical evidence where it would be visible. It was all along my chest or legs or ribs. I stopped counting how many times I was in the hospital for chipped teeth, cracked ribs, and broken bones.”

I took a breather because this was really hard for me to say. I had never told anyone this before and neither had Jade. We were both ashamed and we knew no one would ever believe us. Top Defense Attorney vs. two teenagers. Hands down no competition. I also knew that it was a lot for Ashlynn to take in.

I wanted to look up at her but I didn’t know what emotion would cross her face then I heard her whisper, “Where was your mom?”

I looked up at her face and saw tears streaming down. As much as I wanted to wipe them away I had to keep going on in my explanation. “I don’t know. Probably passed out somewhere because of too many cocktails. The spa or lunches with the ladies. Working on the board. Doesn’t really matter because she wouldn’t have done anything either way.

Not only was my dad physically and verbally abusive with his children but he cheated on his wife and had numerous affairs. I wouldn’t be surprised if Jade and I had brothers and sisters out there somewhere.”

Pausing, I sucked in a breath before I looked up into Ash’s eyes and said, “That’s why we can’t be together Ashlynn. My life has been a mess and I don’t want to end up like my dad. Beating up his children. Cheating on his wife. You don’t deserve that. So there you have it. My sob story. My reason for pushing you away.”

She walked over to me and sat down beside me. “I don’t understand why you’re pushing me away, Jason. You’re kind and funny. You’re smart. You’re beautiful.”

Cupping her face between my hands I said, “Because I don’t do relationships. I have sex with girls, I don’t fall in love with them. I keep that barrier because I can’t turn out like my dad. I also know that I would never have children because I would never want to ruin their childhoods and their lives the way both of my parents destroyed mine and Jade’s. I won’t allow it. Kids deserve to run around in the yard and get ice cream from the ice cream truck. They deserve to act silly and get messy and sticky. What they don’t deserve is dealing with physical and verbal abuse. They don’t deserve to grow up too fast and not experience a childhood. They don’t deserve what Jade and I had to go through. I can’t and I won’t. I knew when I first saw you freshman year you would be the hardest to get over and I still haven’t gotten over you. I don’t think I ever will.

But you deserve a lot more than just someone who is going to have sex with you. You deserve a guy who is going to love you for the rest of your life and who’s going to marry you. To have children with. To treat you with respect and dignity and grace. Keep you on that pedestal where you most certainly belong. You deserve a guy who is going to wake up every day and say, ‘Damn, I’m lucky because I’m with Ashlynn Miller’.”

Never taking my eyes off hers I said, “That’s what you deserve. Not me. Not this mess.”

She closed her eyes and more tears fell from them. She tried to lean in for a kiss when I dropped my hands from her face. Her bottom lip was quivering when she looked up at me and said, “I still don’t understand Jason.”

My blood pressure instantly raised and my heart beat accelerated. How could she not see why we couldn’t be together? I couldn’t do that to her. As much as I wanted her and needed her in my life as something much more than a friend I had to push her away.

Does she think that little of herself that what I said doesn’t matter to her? I’m not worth it.

“What don’t you understand Ash? Do you not understand that I’m a horrible mess of a person? Do you not understand that I would fuck this up?”

I took a minute to catch my breath and attempted to calm down. I began to pace back and forth because I didn’t know what to do or say. Collecting my bearings I said, “I just told you those things so you would understand why we can never be together.”

I slammed my hand against the wall which in turn made her jump a little. Good, she needs to be scared. She needed a rude awakening and to realize she deserves much more than what I can offer her.

“I mean DAMMIT Ash! You’re beautiful and sweet and pure. Me, on the other hand, I’m a fuck up and a mess. I don’t deserve you. And I will not put myself in a situation where I hurt someone the way my dad hurt my mom and his children. Especially with you.”

She gasped and placed a hand to her beautiful chest. Scrunching her eyebrows together Ash whispered, “You think I’m beautiful and you think you’re a mess?”

I just shrugged my shoulders in defeat and shook my head. “I don’t think that Ash. It’s a fact and I’m just pointing the obvious out to you.”

She took her lower lip into her mouth and bit down on it. She had this far off look on her face like she was thinking about something and then this sweet, innocent smile came across her beautiful face.

Ash let go of her bottom lip and walked over to me placing a hand on either side of my face. Never taking her eyes off me she whispered, “Do you know what we make Jason?” Not allowing me to answer she said, “We even each other out because together we make a beautiful mess.”

It was in that moment I was awakened. I was given a second chance and I knew exactly what I wanted, Ashlynn Miller, and I was never going to let her go again.

Sucking in a breath I felt tears forming in my eyes. I couldn’t believe the words that left Ash’s beautiful lips. Leave it to her to see the good in such a fucked up situation. I laughed and then looked into her caramel colored twinkling eyes and said, “Yeah, I guess we do.”


The rest of Spring Break was indescribable. We had the time of our lives together getting to know one another. Of course there were a few stolen kisses but nothing more because I wanted to take what we had going on as slow as possible. I wanted to enjoy it and I wanted to make this work because I knew with all my gut I wanted Ashlynn for a long time.